Regret Avoidance vs. Living and Learning

I was a high school senior deciding between college in my home town or 5 hours away. I meticulously weighed the pros and cons and spun up scenarios of different directions my life might take if I didn’t choose the exact right university. The back and forth had a deadline and I eventually decided to leave my home town. Five years later, I was 1 year into a job, married, and moving forward in life when it hit me...it didn’t really matter which school I chose. Either way, I would have chosen the same career path, likely married the same person (since he was a childhood friend), and my life would have been good. Some things would have been different, but it all would have turned out okay.

Do you ever find yourself immobilized in decision making because you fear regret? Maybe you feel that every decision needs to be made perfectly in order for your life to progress well. Fear of regret can make it hard to choose a school, take a job, commit to a relationship, make a move, or plan a trip. Worrying that every decision might be the wrong decision can keep you from enjoying your life and creates a stuck feeling of anxiety. What if there was a way to flip the script in your head about every decision being a chance for failure and regret? What if every decision is an opportunity to live and learn, to grow and become wiser?

I talk with hundreds of humans each year about various life decisions. Over time, I have observed and embraced the reality that most decisions don’t have one right path. Most decisions have some flexibility and you could choose one of various options and still experience a positive outcome. Of course there are poor, unwise decisions and we all want to avoid those. But outside of that, most decisions aren’t permanent, can be adjusted if needed, and produce growth and learning. It’s possible to define a life well lived as one characterized by growth and learning rather than by a list of specific accomplishments. So, how do you shift from a regret avoidance approach to a living and learning approach to life?

5 Ways to Shift from Regret Avoidance to Living and Learning

1. Identify the decision at hand and notice any fear of regret thoughts surfacing in your mind and body. Name the fear of regret to yourself and gently release the thought rather than obsessing about worst case scenarios.

2. Brainstorm decision options. Notice that most of the time, multiple healthy decision options exist. Narrow your brainstorm down to the top 2 or 3 decision options that seemwise and in line with your values.

3. Remember your decision history. Remind yourself of times when decisions have been flexible and could be adjusted over time. Remind yourself of times when decisions have produced growth and learning that resulted in positive change in your life. Remindyourself of times when even decisions you would make differently now taught you something important you might not otherwise have learned. Try journaling using theabove reminders as prompts.

4. Watch for life’s lessons. As you make decisions, watch for opportunities to learn, to pivot, to embrace a new skill or character quality. When something doesn’t go like you planned, reach for the learning, notice the discomfort, then be open to growing. Our greatest times of personal growth tend to result from unexpected and hard circumstances.

5. Embrace the resulting freedom from letting go of fear of regret. Lean into the joy of knowing the vast majority of your decisions are able to shape you into a more mature and whole person if you don’t resist the process. Try creating an internal message like,“I’m going to make a wise decision based on the information I currently have. I will make adjustments as needed. I will embrace all the growth and learning from the decision I’m making and choose not to regret it.” It’s okay if regret emerges from time to time. Gently dismiss it and move forward with your new approach.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

The Life Changing Shift from Victimhood to Empowerment

Ever find yourself feeling like life is happening to you and you have no control? Maybe a person did something that was unfair or hurtful. Maybe a storm disrupted your home or event. Maybe airlines canceled your flight. Maybe a health condition is making your life difficult. Living life inevitably results in discomfort. It can often feel like things are being done to you and you are a victim of people, your environment, or conditions you can’t control.

Human nature extends us a tempting invitation to see ourselves as victims because victimhood lets us off the hook for taking responsibility for what we can control and casts the blame onto someone or something else. For a moment, embracing victimhood can feel comforting because it keeps you from having to self-reflect or take meaningful action toward change. However, in the long-term, victimhood ends up creating helplessness, hopelessness, bitterness, and resentment.

In reality, life throws curve balls and there are many things outside our control. But, even when the curve balls come, there is a helpful alternative to seeing yourself as a victim. Regardless of what is happening in your environment, you have been granted the gift of self-control. When someone does something unkind and when hard things happen, you have a choice about how you will respond. You can slide into victimhood, blame others, feel helpless, harbor resentment. Or, you can acknowledge the pain of your situation and then shift toward using your self-control to decide how you’re going to show up in the given situation as a healthy version of yourself.

David Emerald writes about the shift from seeing yourself as a “victim” to seeing yourself as a “creator” in his book, The Power Of TED (I highly recommend the short read). Shifting to a creator mindset is accomplished by figuring out where your self-controlled power exists in any given situation and to take meaningful action toward what you’d like to be true that is within your control. Determining what healthy control you have and how you want to respond to people/circumstances creates empowerment. So, what are the practical ways to begin shifting from victim to creator?

6 Ways to Shift from Victimhood to Empowered Creator

1. Acknowledge the discomfort of a person, situation, or condition impacting you in ways you can’t control. For example, your friend betrays your trust. Admit to yourself this has happened, that it hurt you, and that it impacts trust in the relationship. Don’t skip the pain.

2. Sort what you can and can’t control. You can’t control your friend’s behavior, the weather, illness, traffic, etc. You can control or manage yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, your behavior, your responses.

3. Notice the invitation to victimhood. Notice feeling helpless, blaming, telling others your story of being wronged when you did nothing to deserve it, your internal story of life happening to you, your over focus on someone else’s bad behavior or negativity ofcircumstance rather than focus on what you can do.

4. Gently decline victimhood’s invitation. No thanks, victimhood. Yes, this situation is uncomfortable and there are some things here I can’t control, but, I’m going to figure outwhere I do have power and I’m going to use it.

5. Ask yourself, “What do I want to be true in this situation?” I want my friend to know their betrayal hurt me. I want to set a boundary to let them know I won’t continue thefriendship as it has previously existed without loyalty. I want to have friends I can trust.

6. Use the healthy self-control (not others control) you have to help create the reality you desire through meaningful action. Have the uncomfortable conversation with your friend. Change the closeness of the relationship if they continue to betray your trust. Explore deepening other relationships that feel more respectful.

Stepping from victimhood into a creator role is certainly work, however, the resulting empowerment is life-giving, healthy, and produces mature growth in yourself and your relationships.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

You Are Ridiculously In Charge

I don’t remember most of my dreams, but I’ll never forget this one. In the dream I am in the third-row seat of a car traveling down a straight highway. I am content with my situation until I am suddenly aware that the car is on cruise control, and I am supposed to be in the driver’s seat! The rest of the dream is my struggle from the third row, over the second row of seats, and the center console to the driver’s seat. In the several months I had the dream, I am not sure I ever made it to the driver’s seat.

I had this recurring dream during a season of my life when I was living on autopilot. During this season, life felt more like something that was happening to me than a gift I got to live. I think all of us have had seasons, or days when we’ve felt like this. Maybe there are areas of your life right now that feel exactly like this. We weren’t given life to be a passive passenger in the back seat. In nearly all areas of life, including our relationships, our vocation, our health, our attitudes, and our personal growth we often have far more power than we think. The reality is, we are ridiculously in charge of the lives we’ve been given.

5 Ways to be ridiculously in charge of your life:

1. Let go of the need to be in control. If the last three years have taught us anything, it is that there are things outside our control. But even when we are not in control of everything happening in life, we are in charge of how we respond, our attitude and the actions we take in response to difficult people, circumstances and setbacks. Trying to control things outside of our control distracts us from the choices we can make. One of the great ironies of life is that we try to control what we can’t control and play victim to things we are in charge of.Be in charge: Make a list of things outside of your control and another list of things you can control. Be intentional throughout the day of focusing your energy on things you can control.

2. Acknowledge learned helplessness. There are many different reasons why we begin to feel helpless. Sometimes it’s because we are trying to control things outside of our control, so we begin to assume we have no agency in other areas of life. Sometimes this happens when we see what others have that we don’t (if I had their resources…, if I were as lucky..., if I were given the same opportunities..., if the world weren’t against me…, if I had more time…). This view of life may let us off the hook for responsibility, but it will rob our lives of meaning. Being ridiculously in charge means shifting from focusing energy on what is not possible to how you will find a way and taking the next step. Be in charge: In what areas of life have you learned helplessness? What one small step can you take forward?

3. Treat the past as a teacher not a master. The past becomes a master when we assume it is a predictor of the future. You do not have to be imprisoned by mistakes or failures in your past, and you do not have to repeat them. Allow those experiences to teach you, not define you. Today is a new day, a new chapter. What story do you want to tell? Be in charge: If you were to write the next chapter of your story, what would you title it?

4. Approach life as a possibility to be lived rather than a problem to be solved. The easiest way to get stuck in life is to focus on all the problems in life that need to be solved. When we do this, we start living life as a list of “should”; I should lose weight, I should read more, I should be a better spouse/parent, etc. Life soon becomes an obligation. When we shift our focus from the problem to the possibility, “should” becomes “can”; I can lose weight, I can read more, I can be a better spouse/parent. This approach to life is empowering invitation to live the life we want to live. Be in charge: What are your dreams? What do you want to be true?

5. Be intentional about yes and no. Being ridiculously in charge means we recognize the everyday choices we make are helping us move towards our desired outcome or they are not. This is true of both the active choices we make as well as the passive choices. And, because we are limited beings, every time we say “yes” to something we are saying “no” to something else. Be in charge: Once you identify what you want to be true in your life, make a list of things you need to start and a list of things you need to end.

If you would like to connect with us, you can find us at www.journeybravely.com.

Todd Craig has over 20 years experience having helpful coaching conversations with individuals, couples, and groups including 5 years experience of professional life and leadership coaching. He uses effective, strategic tools including the Birkman and Enneagram in his skill based coaching to help people move their stories and goals forward. To meet with Todd, connect here.

An Invitation to Dream

One of the most difficult seasons of my life were the two years I had hopes and dreams I was too scared to share with other people. The truth is, I wasn’t even brave enough to acknowledge them to myself. It was time to move from one chapter of life to the next, but I thought I didn’t know how I wanted to begin writing the next chapter. I kept talking myself out of the things that were stirring within me. However, when I got brave enough to acknowledge and share my dreams, amazing things began to happen. Life, relationships, and even work become adventures to be lived when you name your dreams and ambitions. When you are brave enough to do this, you take the first steps on an exciting journey of growth. Struggling on where to start?

6 Practices to Help Clarify Your Dreams

Focus on the potential, not the problem

The tendency to focus on the problems of life leads to anxious thoughts that anchor you to status quo thinking. When you allow yourself space to imagine the life you want to live, you begin to develop a passion and desire that can move you forward. As I’ve written before, one the most powerful and important questions to wrestle with is, “What do I want…. really?”

Postpone edits

The discipline of dreaming requires postponing edits. Many of us choose to live a limited lifebecause we edit chapters in our life story that haven’t been written yet. Focusing on potential and allowing ourselves to dream makes us vulnerable to disruption or disappointment. So, we prematurely edit our, what could be, magnificent stories in favor of a settled life.

Resist either/or thinking

We have been told ad nauseum, “you can’t have your cake and eat it too.” While this is true in some situations, there is a temptation to overapply this. As you imagine what is possible give yourself permission and hold yourself accountable to keeping a both/and mindset. Either/ or thinking comes from a scarcity mindset; there is only one cake. An abundance mindset allows both/and thinking, I can eat my cake and bake more.

Figure out what first…. how later

Don’t limit your future based on your current capabilities. It’s so tempting when you begin to imagine what is possible to quickly begin wondering how to make it happen. When you do this, you shut the door on imagining what is possible and shift to problem solving. You don’t have to know how to get there yet. If you already had the skills and knew how to get the outcome you wanted, you would have already done it. When you keep your attention focused on what you desire to be true, you will naturally begin gathering evidence of the behaviors and attitudes that lead you towards that vision or away from it. Getting clear on what you want will contribute, over time, to the clarity of how to get there. When focused on the problem you say, “I don’t know how.” When focused on the possibility you say, “I don’t know how…yet.”

Leverage What ifs

“What if” thinking can be a blessing or a curse entirely based on how you apply it. When you imagine “what if?” in a negative way you paralyze yourself with fear. What if I can’t? What if it fails? While these may be possibilities, so are the positive “what ifs”. What if I can? What if it all works out? The challenge here is to intentionally focus on the positive.

Be patient, enjoy the journey and make room for serendipity

Dreams shrink when they are rushed. If your vision is big, it will take time. Keep the view in front of you and take the next right step. You don’t have to have it all figured out. And, again, if your dream is big enough, you probably won’t have it all figured out. We tend to overestimate what we can accomplish in a short amount of time and grossly underestimate what is possible in the long term. Resist the temptation to shrink your dream to fit who you are today. Instead, allow yourself space and time to grow into your dream. Celebrate the steps you take along the way and enjoy those unexplainable moments of serendipity that happen along the way.

One of our great joys in working with people is to witness those moments of transformation when a lightbulb goes on and clients begin to imagine and believe what is possible. If you’d like to connect with support along your journey, connect with me here.

Todd Craig has over 20 years experience having helpful coaching conversations with individuals, couples, and groups including 5 years experience of professional life and leadership coaching. He uses effective, strategic tools including the Birkman and Enneagram in his skill based coaching to help people move their stories and goals forward. To meet with Todd, connect here.

What is This Time For?

There was a season of life where I reached the end of the day feeling I had been a slave to my to-do list. I was busy running from one task to the next. And, even when the days were as productive as they were busy, I often felt unfulfilled at the end of the day. Though things were getting done, there was no time to appreciate my accomplishments and tasks that were being accomplished were sometimes at the expense of being present with the people that matter most to me. I was overwhelmed, tired, and frustrated.

Time is one of our most precious gifts. Time is finite, we can’t “make time,” (even though we often use the phrase) we can only spend it. Additionally, we don’t get “do overs” with our time. So, we have developed and utilize tools to help us maximize our time including watches, calendars, alarm clocks, time management apps on our phones, to-do lists, and many others. Ironically, we can allow ourselves to be controlled by these tools, which are supposed to help us stay in control, at the expense of the very moments the tools were intended to help us maximize.

So how do we break out of this cycle? Here are three strategies that have been helpful for me and my clients:

1. Consider the different aspects of time. In our culture, we tend to think of time in a narrow and limited way. I often introduce my clients to the words the Greeks used to differentiate two ways they thought of time. The two words are chronos and kairos. The Greek word chronos is the easiest for us to understand because it aligns with the mostcommon way we refer to time. Chronos refers to the quantity of time. When we say, “It arrived at 3:07,” or “I am getting married in 18 days,” or “The cupcakes will be ready in 20 minutes,” weare talking about chronos time. Most of the tools we have for time management are built around maximizing time in a quantitative sense. The Greek word Kairos, however, refers to time in a qualitative sense. We tend to think about time in this way far less. However, when we say, “It showed up at just the right time” or “We knew it was time to get married” or “These cupcakes are taking forever” we are referring to kairos time. Our hectic schedules can challenge our efforts to maximize time in a qualitative sense. Of course, both understandings of time are important. A chronos understanding helps us recognize the limits of our time and the need to act so we can move our stories forward. And a kairos understanding helps us think beyond those limits so we move our stories forward with intentionality and meaning.

2. Slow down to speed up. With a Kairos understanding of time, we can begin to see that sometimes the most efficient thing we can do is slow down and take a breath before rushing to the next thing. When we do this, we let go of anxious mental energy in favor of focused mental energy. This also gives us space to exercise a third strategy.

3. Ask, “What is this time for?” When we are thinking about time with a chronos understanding, we will tend to ask questions like, “What do I have to do?”, “Where am I supposed to be?”, or “How long is this going to take?” In this sense, time is being spent and we can find ourselves looking towards what’s next. But, when we are thinking about time with a karios understanding, we might ask a question like, “What is this time for?” Asking this question can help us relax into the moment and consider taking in all the benefits the present moment has to offer. Asking, “What is this time for?” may save me from rushing to accomplish more tasks on my to-do list (quantitative) in favor of taking time to be fully present with my child who is asking for help with a school project or waiting to be tucked in at night (qualitative).

As you work toward making shifts in how you view time, we are here to support you in your journey.

Todd Craig has over 20 years experience having helpful coaching conversations with individuals, couples, and groups including 5 years experience of professional life and leadership coaching. He uses effective, strategic tools including the Birkman and Enneagram in his skill based coaching to help people move their stories and goals forward. To meet with Todd, connect here.

Kindness vs. Cancelling

You’re in the middle of a conversation and suddenly it becomes apparent the person you’re talking to holds a different opinion on an important topic. Maybe you start to worry if you share your thoughts, you’ll be judged or cancelled. Maybe you feel incensed the other person could possibly hold that opinion or belief and you feel tempted to judge, cancel, or shame them. Maybe you want to learn to hold the tension of differing views and values but you feel confused about how to be true to your values while not judging or shaming someone else.

Cancel culture regularly sacrifices kindness in the name of being right and holding others accountable. Cancel culture says for justice and rightness to prevail, people must be publicly shamed for holding independent beliefs that deviate from some moral majority. And when you’re part of the moral majority, cancelling others can feel justified. The problem is cancel culture is built on the false idea that shame creates true change. In reality, current shame research (read anything by Brene Brown for more on shame) tells us shame actually breeds insecurity, self-loathing and hopelessness. Shame may create a temporary, superficial, face-saving shift but results, long-term, in the opposite of healthy change. Ashamed people are highly likely to make poor choices that have negative, hurtful effects on themselves and others.

So, if you remove shame from your toolbox, what options do you have? Reflect on a time when you needed to learn something new. What was most effective in helping you move forward? Maybe someone said you were unintelligent and you needed to get it together. Maybe someone said you must be ignorant for not already knowing something. Was that helpful to you?  Or, maybe someone lovingly and kindly said you are a valuable person period. Maybe they directly and kindly shared a different perspective and allowed space for you to hold your value while also presenting a new possibility. Was that helpful to you? Kindness consistently moves people toward change more effectively than shame. And, kindness makes you feel better about yourself at the end of the day.

5 Ways to Practice Kindness Over Cancelling:

1.     Slow down and take a breath. Different opinions/values can create emotional overwhelm if you feel strongly about something. You may find yourself going into fight or flight and impulsively speaking words of shame. Try taking a few breaths and reminding yourself that someone else having a different value than you does not mean attack or shame are needed. Instead remember that both values can exist even if you disagree.

2.     Humanize the other person. Often when someone holds a different value, it’s tempting to begin viewing them as “other” and deserving of shame. Try remembering traits you like and appreciate about the person. Remind yourself they are a whole person with strengths and weaknesses and try not to define them by the one issue about which you disagree.

3.     Seek to validate. Validating means try to understand how the other person might believe or feel the way they do based on their history and experiences. You don’t have to agree. Instead, try to embrace and articulate to the other person that you can understand how they might see things the way they do even if it’s very different than how you see it. Validation reduces defensiveness and opens avenues for seeing the other person as valuable despite differences.

4.     Embrace humility. Try remembering that while you may hold your values to be very true and dear, you are not the absolute authority on truth. You can believe your values are right and true while also recognizing others can differ from you and still be worthwhile humans who may help you understand something new.

5.     Communicate directly and kindly. Share your thoughts and beliefs calmly, directly, and with a kind tone. Remember that your values/opinions can exist securely even when others don’t agree. 

Approaching others with kindness instead of cancelling creates opportunities for growth in yourself and others. Kindness brings more conversation, connection, and increased possibilities for change without the unnecessary negativity of shame. As you practice walking in kindness, connect with us for support along your journey at journeybravely.com.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 19 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Staying in Your Lane

Do you ever find yourself feeling anxious, irritable and out of control? You’ve got that person who refuses to do things the way you think they should and it’s causing stress in your life and theirs. You believe deep down that if your child, partner, coworker, parent, sibling, random driver on the road would just do things “the right way” (your way), things would be so much better for everyone. You spend energy thinking about how you can change them. Then, you find yourself frustrated and resentful when you realize they are going to continue doing things their way. Often, you spend energy that could be spent managing yourself focused on the other person. And, all of this results in more feeling out of control and stuck.

It’s uncomfortable when other’s choices cause inconvenience, stress, and pain for you. Maybe someone in your life is drinking too much to cope. Maybe they are choosing an unhealthy relationship. Maybe they aren’t showing up emotionally for you. Maybe someone is in a self-destructive space and you can’t help them snap out of it. Regardless how much you care about the well-being of others, one thing is true. The only person you can control is yourself. You cannot control your friends, family, children or anyone else. 

So, what are you supposed to do with this tension of believing life would be better if only others would do what you say and the reality that people are only in charge of their own thoughts, feelings, and actions? Finding your lane of healthy self-control and developing the discipline to stay in that lane is the pathway to your freedom.

5 Ways to Find Your Lane and Stay in It:

1.     Accept what you can and can’t control. You can only control yourself. Your energy is best spent focusing on managing your thoughts, emotions, and actions well. Focusing on others behavior is an unhelpful distraction and a waste of energy. Try making imaginary bins for what you can and can’t control and sort things into them when you find yourself in frustrating situations with others.

2.     Notice anytime you are saying or thinking, “If they would just…” Thoughts and conversations that revolve around what others should be doing differently indicate you’re driving in someone else’s lane in which you have no control. This will result in consistent frustration and exhaustion. Try reminding yourself to get back in your lane where you have healthy power and self-control.

3.     Focus on understanding and mastering your own lane. Think honestly about how you are managing your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Notice things you might want to change such as taking better care of yourself, developing healthier coping skills, working on your relationship skills. Try choosing a couple of specific areas and intentionally focus your energy on your personal growth.

4.     Pay attention to boundaries. Often when you are out of your lane, it means you need to adjust boundaries. Instead of focusing on changing someone else’s behavior, try focusing on how you will adjust your engagement in the relationship if the other person continues with unhealthy behavior. Maybe spend less time with them, share less vulnerable information, invest less energy. Or with parenting, perhaps you reduce privileges or make electronics contingent on responsible behavior.

5.     Ask for what you need directly with kindness. When someone else’s behavior is negatively impacting you, it is more effective to have a direct, kind conversation than to try to control their behavior. Try saying, “When you ______, I feel _______, what would work better for me in our relationship is _______.” Once you’ve had the conversation, you can observe whether the person responds with openness and intention to respect your needs. If they do, great. If they don’t, stay in your lane by changing your boundaries in the relationship.

Staying in your lane is not selfish. In fact, it’s one of the most healthy, loving things you can do for others. By staying in your lane, you provide space for others to learn the healthy practice of staying in and managing their lane.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 19 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

How Are You, Really?

How’s your stress level? How are your relationships? How are your physical and mental health? Are your current coping strategies moving you closer or further away from a sense of peace and direction? Often, we skip these questions and move straight to goals/resolutions at the beginning of each year. What if this year, you slow down and take a soul inventory now? What would it look like to reflect over the last several months of caring for yourself and ask “what’s working” and “what’s not working?” 

One of the beautiful things about being human is your ability to change and adapt based on new information. Once you reflect and understand what’s working and what changes are needed to be in a healthier, more balanced space, you can begin taking steps to better care for yourself. Change initially causes discomfort, but you are capable of change even when it’s hard.

So, how are you supposed to figure out what needs to change and what you’re supposed to do about it?

5 Self-Assessment Questions for Mapping Better Self-Care:

1.     How are you tending to your energy level? Maybe you’re exhausted, lacking sleep, noticing in your face/body that you’re pushing too hard. Take 10 minutes to reflect and write your observations about your energy level. Note activities you’re doing that create positive energy you’d like to continue or increase. Note energy draining activities that you’d like to let go. Try sorting these activities into categories of “must keep” (be careful that you aren’t putting everything into this category) and “could let go.” Write one shift you could make to improve tending to your energy level.

2.     How are you tending to your spirit? Maybe you’ve prioritized other important things over taking care of yourself spiritually. Maybe past emotional baggage makes it hard to prioritize spiritual practices. Engaging spiritually often results in increase connection, hope, and joy in life. Take 10 minutes to reflect and write about past spiritual activities that have helped you. Reflect on how you felt when you engaged those activities. Reflect on why you stopped doing those activities. Write one shift you could make to improve tending to your spirit.

3.     How are you tending to your physical body? If you will listen, your body will provide you with valuable information about your well-being. Maybe you’ve been putting off going to the doctor. Maybe you’re avoiding moving your body. Maybe your relationship with food has become unbalanced in some way. Maybe you’re using substances to self-medicate and your body is paying the price. Take 10 minutes to reflect and write about physical practices that create balance for you. Reflect on the barriers you have to engaging in these practices regularly. Write one shift you’d like to make to tend better to your physical body.

4.     How are you tending to your emotions? Your mood and management of emotions can make or break your daily life experience. Allowing space for emotion and having effective strategies to cope and calm when emotions get large can completely revolutionize your emotional landscape. Take 10 minutes to reflect on which feelings create the most discomfort for you. Note unhealthy coping skills you currently use to suppress or avoid feelings (drinking, shopping, eating, raging, avoiding). Note healthy ways you’ve coped and calmed in the past that have worked for you without causing extra problems in your life (walk, talk to friend, art, deep breathing, podcast, ocean). Write one coping shift you’d like to make to tend better to your emotions.

5.     How are you tending to your relationships? Maybe you find yourself being defensive, not listening well, or pushing away those you love. Take 10 minutes to reflect on how you are experiencing and showing up in your most important relationships. Note relationships that feel unhealthy and why. Note relationships that feel positive/supportive and why. Note your behavior patterns that are causing problems in your relationships. Write one shift you’d like to make to tend better to your relationships.

Making changes to prioritize caring for yourself can feel challenging. Try remembering that you must take care of yourself consistently to show up well in your family, work, and community life. All aspects of your life suffer when you are at the bottom of your life “to do” list.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 19 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

How Is Christian Counseling Different?

While all counseling addresses your mental health and helps you improve your life experience, Christian counseling incorporates your Christian beliefs and values as an important lens through which you work toward positive change. Whether engaging in counseling or Christian counseling, you are in charge of your experience. You decide how you will talk about your faith, how often, and to what extent you wish that to be part of your counseling. As a Christian counselor, it is not my role to tell you what to believe, but to ask questions to help you clarify how your Christian beliefs are influencing your decisions and relationships.

Sometimes along your faith journey, you may find the way you’re viewing yourself, others, and your life circumstances feels out of balance with your Christian beliefs. Maybe you know God loves others but you see yourself as unlovable. Maybe you know God is forgiving but your belief that you or someone difficult in your life is beyond that loving forgiveness is keeping you bitter and stuck. Maybe you’ve heard that God loves you and wants good things for you, but the way your parents talked about God leaves you seeing God as someone who wants to punish you.

When life stress and pain invite you to forget what you know to be true, I can help you identify, return to, and clarify the Christian values from which you want to be living. Whether you’re an adolescent, teen, adult, parent, or couple, your Christian values can be seamlessly incorporated into your counseling experience.

As a Christian myself, I understand that God’s love, grace, and forgiveness play a major role in healing and working toward a more whole and healthy life. Additionally, as both a therapist and a pastor’s wife for 18 years, I have extensive experience understanding and helping people work through uncomfortable or unhealthy situations you may have experienced in relation to your faith upbringing and church life. I look forward to connecting with you along your journey.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 19 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Why Teen Counseling Matters

I provide helpful, skill-based teen counseling and therapy for middle school through college age students in the Santa Rosa Beach, FL area. With 18 years experience as a teen therapist, I meet with teens to strategically address improving teen depression, teen anxiety, teen self-esteem struggles, teen relationship issues, teen family conflict, self-harming behavior, school pressures, social pressures, clarifying values, managing emotions and generally gaining a strong sense of self for moving forward in healthy ways.

DID YOU KNOW…

• According to the National Institutes of Health, nearly 1 in 3  of all adolescents ages 13 to 18 will experience an anxiety disorder. Numbers continue to rise; between 2007 and 2012, anxiety disorders in children and teens went up 20%.

• In a recent study, children's hospital admissions for suicidal thoughts and actions have doubled during past decade.

• The National Institute of Mental Health reports that about 3.2 million 12- to 17-year-olds have had at least one major depressive episode within the past 12 months.

WHAT’S CAUSING THE RISE OF ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION IN TEENS?

While we don’t have clear cut answers, there are several factors that could be contributing. In addition to genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and environment, consider the following possible contributing issues: 

• Increased expectations and pressure to succeed. Within our culture of achievement, today's youth may be experiencing a more intense pressure to succeed. A yearly survey by Higher Education Research asks incoming college students if they feel overwhelmed by their daily life tasks. In 2016, 41% of students said "yes" compared with 28% in 2000 and 18% in 1985. Students now begin thinking about and discussing college and career as early as the 7th grade.

• Publicized cultural violence. Our children and teens are exposed on a daily basis to news and media discussing terrorism, mass shootings, school shootings, and other disturbing information introducing them to the reality that the world can be a frightening and dangerous place at earlier ages than in generations past. Additionally, children and teens grow up doing lock down drills at school in addition to weather and fire drills.

• Social media.  Most teens are connected throughout each day to social media posts that present images and ideas promoting comparison and challenging positive self-esteem. Social media platforms are also used regularly for bullying.

• Disconnection. In the current age of technology, most families struggle to have face to face interactions often choosing instead to isolate from one another on individual screens and devices sometimes reducing much needed supportive connection at home.

• Emotional Overwhelm. With constant communication with friends at their fingertips, teens often find themselves trying to help peers manage their anxiety, depression symptoms, and social challenges resulting in increased emotional pressure.

WHAT CAN BE DONE TO HELP TEENS MANAGE THE PRESSURE?

While the statistics and pressures are very real, we know the following specific things contribute to teens having a more positive life experience:

• Connection at home. Intentional connecting within families such as meaningful conversation about daily life, family meals without screens, family game night, and one on one time with trusted adults can reduce stress and improve feelings of belonging.

• Connection at school. Positive relationships with school teachers, counselors, principals, and staff can contribute to more positive feelings about self and school experience.

• Healthy friendships. Relationships with peers that highlight individual strengths, provide mutual support, and encourage teens toward a healthy version of themselves in character and behavior largely impact teen self-worth.

• Connection in faith community. When teens connect in a faith community that aligns with their values, there is significant potential for increase in positive relationships, increased perspective of hope, and a deeper understanding of the individual’s place in the world as a greater whole.

• Counseling. As teens begin challenging family values and the parental perspective, it is very helpful to connect with a trained, trustworthy adult that can provide skilled support in reducing the stress and overwhelm common to the teen years. Strategic teen anxiety treatment, teen depression treatment and teen emotional regulation training can equip teens to confidently navigate life’s difficulties.

AS A TEEN, WHAT CAN COUNSELING DO FOR ME?

As you’re moving toward adulthood, life can sometimes feel really hard and overwhelming. You’re becoming your own person, figuring out relationships, navigating school work, and looking toward the future. At times, life can feel fun and exciting. At others, anxiety symptoms, stress, depression symptoms, and the pressures of life might leave you feeling like you don’t know quite what to do next. Counseling during your teen years can be a really helpful way to sort through confusion and to develop a deeper understanding of who you are, what you want in life, and how to get through the overwhelming times.

I come alongside you in safe, private conversations that matter to you and help you untangle stress and confusion, while helping you develop new ways of dealing with your struggles that improve your feelings of healthy control and peace. I talk with teens about healthy ways to cope with stress other than drugs/alcohol, unhealthy relationships, self-harming behavior, or being unkind to yourself.

While your parents may be suggesting you begin counseling, you are the primary decision maker about what you want to talk about in your sessions. Together, we will give your parents updates over time about your progress in counseling and how they can support you. However, the specific content of your sessions will be private so you know counseling is a safe space to talk openly and honestly about what matters to you. You decide what you want to work on in counseling, and I help you gain clarity about how to make things better.

I have seen counseling help teens:

• Move from out of control perfectionism to realistic expectations

• Move from suicidal thoughts to knowing how to manage difficult situations in healthier ways

• Move from feeling consistently anxious and overwhelmed to feeling more comfortable in their own skin

• Move from having large emotions run their life to knowing how to calm big feelings and make better decisions

• Move from feeling distrusting and disconnected from parents to feeling more positive and supported in relating to parents

• Move from choosing toxic, draining social relationships to understanding how to choose healthy, life-giving relationships

• Move from saying unkind things to themselves all day to saying/believing positive truths about themselves

• Move from a lack of sense of self to understanding who they want to be and how to make decisions consistent with values

AS A PARENT, HOW CAN YOU SUPPORT YOUR TEEN?

You love your teen deeply and you want them to be healthy and happy. It’s great and supportive that you are encouraging them to begin counseling. It’s also important for you to encourage your teen to be an involved decision maker in choosing their therapist. We know without a doubt, that your teen’s feelings of control and investment in the counseling process is a strong determiner of positive outcome in their therapy experience. Encourage them to look at websites and to bring a list of their questions to an initial consultation call or first session.

In most situations, I invite parents into some portion of the initial session to gain parental and family perspective. After that, you will get regular updates from your teen and myself together on progress in counseling and specific ways you can support your teen’s growth process. At times, it is very helpful for you to participate in family sessions with your teen to work on various issues that come up along the way.

Another way to support your teen is to ask open ended questions and to listen without judging or advice-giving. As a parent, it’s so tempting to judge and tell your teen what to do because you want the best for them. Often though, teens begin to distance and shut down if they feel judged. Open ended questions provide an opportunity for your teen to share more with you. Instead of asking, “Did you have a good day?” which is a yes/no question, try asking “How was that history test you were studying for?” or “What happened with the break up today?” Then, leave lots of space and silence for your teen to share. Sometimes they may not share. But, over time, if you continue asking, they are likely to begin sharing.

When they do share, instead of advice-giving or saying, “Why did you do that?" try validating what they shared by saying something to let them know you heard and understood what they said. And to let them know you get how they might be feeling. For example, “That fight with your best friend sounds like it was really painful and stressful today. I can see how you would feel overwhelmed by it all.” When you might normally engage in advice-giving, try saying, “What will you do about that situation?” This allows your teen to do some problem solving and to know you are working to trust them in managing their daily challenges.

Most importantly, spend face to face time with your teen doing something they enjoy. Tell them frequently how much you love them even when they aren’t doing what you want them to do. And, remind them of all the positive things you see in them regularly. All of these things will build a trusting foundation so they come to you when they need support. If you’re a parent seeking counseling for the complicated parenting journey, I would be happy to talk with you about your counseling needs as well.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 19 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.