Regret Avoidance vs. Living and Learning

I was a high school senior deciding between college in my home town or 5 hours away. I meticulously weighed the pros and cons and spun up scenarios of different directions my life might take if I didn’t choose the exact right university. The back and forth had a deadline and I eventually decided to leave my home town. Five years later, I was 1 year into a job, married, and moving forward in life when it hit me...it didn’t really matter which school I chose. Either way, I would have chosen the same career path, likely married the same person (since he was a childhood friend), and my life would have been good. Some things would have been different, but it all would have turned out okay.

Do you ever find yourself immobilized in decision making because you fear regret? Maybe you feel that every decision needs to be made perfectly in order for your life to progress well. Fear of regret can make it hard to choose a school, take a job, commit to a relationship, make a move, or plan a trip. Worrying that every decision might be the wrong decision can keep you from enjoying your life and creates a stuck feeling of anxiety. What if there was a way to flip the script in your head about every decision being a chance for failure and regret? What if every decision is an opportunity to live and learn, to grow and become wiser?

I talk with hundreds of humans each year about various life decisions. Over time, I have observed and embraced the reality that most decisions don’t have one right path. Most decisions have some flexibility and you could choose one of various options and still experience a positive outcome. Of course there are poor, unwise decisions and we all want to avoid those. But outside of that, most decisions aren’t permanent, can be adjusted if needed, and produce growth and learning. It’s possible to define a life well lived as one characterized by growth and learning rather than by a list of specific accomplishments. So, how do you shift from a regret avoidance approach to a living and learning approach to life?

5 Ways to Shift from Regret Avoidance to Living and Learning

1. Identify the decision at hand and notice any fear of regret thoughts surfacing in your mind and body. Name the fear of regret to yourself and gently release the thought rather than obsessing about worst case scenarios.

2. Brainstorm decision options. Notice that most of the time, multiple healthy decision options exist. Narrow your brainstorm down to the top 2 or 3 decision options that seemwise and in line with your values.

3. Remember your decision history. Remind yourself of times when decisions have been flexible and could be adjusted over time. Remind yourself of times when decisions have produced growth and learning that resulted in positive change in your life. Remindyourself of times when even decisions you would make differently now taught you something important you might not otherwise have learned. Try journaling using theabove reminders as prompts.

4. Watch for life’s lessons. As you make decisions, watch for opportunities to learn, to pivot, to embrace a new skill or character quality. When something doesn’t go like you planned, reach for the learning, notice the discomfort, then be open to growing. Our greatest times of personal growth tend to result from unexpected and hard circumstances.

5. Embrace the resulting freedom from letting go of fear of regret. Lean into the joy of knowing the vast majority of your decisions are able to shape you into a more mature and whole person if you don’t resist the process. Try creating an internal message like,“I’m going to make a wise decision based on the information I currently have. I will make adjustments as needed. I will embrace all the growth and learning from the decision I’m making and choose not to regret it.” It’s okay if regret emerges from time to time. Gently dismiss it and move forward with your new approach.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

The Life Changing Shift from Victimhood to Empowerment

Ever find yourself feeling like life is happening to you and you have no control? Maybe a person did something that was unfair or hurtful. Maybe a storm disrupted your home or event. Maybe airlines canceled your flight. Maybe a health condition is making your life difficult. Living life inevitably results in discomfort. It can often feel like things are being done to you and you are a victim of people, your environment, or conditions you can’t control.

Human nature extends us a tempting invitation to see ourselves as victims because victimhood lets us off the hook for taking responsibility for what we can control and casts the blame onto someone or something else. For a moment, embracing victimhood can feel comforting because it keeps you from having to self-reflect or take meaningful action toward change. However, in the long-term, victimhood ends up creating helplessness, hopelessness, bitterness, and resentment.

In reality, life throws curve balls and there are many things outside our control. But, even when the curve balls come, there is a helpful alternative to seeing yourself as a victim. Regardless of what is happening in your environment, you have been granted the gift of self-control. When someone does something unkind and when hard things happen, you have a choice about how you will respond. You can slide into victimhood, blame others, feel helpless, harbor resentment. Or, you can acknowledge the pain of your situation and then shift toward using your self-control to decide how you’re going to show up in the given situation as a healthy version of yourself.

David Emerald writes about the shift from seeing yourself as a “victim” to seeing yourself as a “creator” in his book, The Power Of TED (I highly recommend the short read). Shifting to a creator mindset is accomplished by figuring out where your self-controlled power exists in any given situation and to take meaningful action toward what you’d like to be true that is within your control. Determining what healthy control you have and how you want to respond to people/circumstances creates empowerment. So, what are the practical ways to begin shifting from victim to creator?

6 Ways to Shift from Victimhood to Empowered Creator

1. Acknowledge the discomfort of a person, situation, or condition impacting you in ways you can’t control. For example, your friend betrays your trust. Admit to yourself this has happened, that it hurt you, and that it impacts trust in the relationship. Don’t skip the pain.

2. Sort what you can and can’t control. You can’t control your friend’s behavior, the weather, illness, traffic, etc. You can control or manage yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, your behavior, your responses.

3. Notice the invitation to victimhood. Notice feeling helpless, blaming, telling others your story of being wronged when you did nothing to deserve it, your internal story of life happening to you, your over focus on someone else’s bad behavior or negativity ofcircumstance rather than focus on what you can do.

4. Gently decline victimhood’s invitation. No thanks, victimhood. Yes, this situation is uncomfortable and there are some things here I can’t control, but, I’m going to figure outwhere I do have power and I’m going to use it.

5. Ask yourself, “What do I want to be true in this situation?” I want my friend to know their betrayal hurt me. I want to set a boundary to let them know I won’t continue thefriendship as it has previously existed without loyalty. I want to have friends I can trust.

6. Use the healthy self-control (not others control) you have to help create the reality you desire through meaningful action. Have the uncomfortable conversation with your friend. Change the closeness of the relationship if they continue to betray your trust. Explore deepening other relationships that feel more respectful.

Stepping from victimhood into a creator role is certainly work, however, the resulting empowerment is life-giving, healthy, and produces mature growth in yourself and your relationships.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

How Are You, Really?

How’s your stress level? How are your relationships? How are your physical and mental health? Are your current coping strategies moving you closer or further away from a sense of peace and direction? Often, we skip these questions and move straight to goals/resolutions at the beginning of each year. What if this year, you slow down and take a soul inventory now? What would it look like to reflect over the last several months of caring for yourself and ask “what’s working” and “what’s not working?” 

One of the beautiful things about being human is your ability to change and adapt based on new information. Once you reflect and understand what’s working and what changes are needed to be in a healthier, more balanced space, you can begin taking steps to better care for yourself. Change initially causes discomfort, but you are capable of change even when it’s hard.

So, how are you supposed to figure out what needs to change and what you’re supposed to do about it?

5 Self-Assessment Questions for Mapping Better Self-Care:

1.     How are you tending to your energy level? Maybe you’re exhausted, lacking sleep, noticing in your face/body that you’re pushing too hard. Take 10 minutes to reflect and write your observations about your energy level. Note activities you’re doing that create positive energy you’d like to continue or increase. Note energy draining activities that you’d like to let go. Try sorting these activities into categories of “must keep” (be careful that you aren’t putting everything into this category) and “could let go.” Write one shift you could make to improve tending to your energy level.

2.     How are you tending to your spirit? Maybe you’ve prioritized other important things over taking care of yourself spiritually. Maybe past emotional baggage makes it hard to prioritize spiritual practices. Engaging spiritually often results in increase connection, hope, and joy in life. Take 10 minutes to reflect and write about past spiritual activities that have helped you. Reflect on how you felt when you engaged those activities. Reflect on why you stopped doing those activities. Write one shift you could make to improve tending to your spirit.

3.     How are you tending to your physical body? If you will listen, your body will provide you with valuable information about your well-being. Maybe you’ve been putting off going to the doctor. Maybe you’re avoiding moving your body. Maybe your relationship with food has become unbalanced in some way. Maybe you’re using substances to self-medicate and your body is paying the price. Take 10 minutes to reflect and write about physical practices that create balance for you. Reflect on the barriers you have to engaging in these practices regularly. Write one shift you’d like to make to tend better to your physical body.

4.     How are you tending to your emotions? Your mood and management of emotions can make or break your daily life experience. Allowing space for emotion and having effective strategies to cope and calm when emotions get large can completely revolutionize your emotional landscape. Take 10 minutes to reflect on which feelings create the most discomfort for you. Note unhealthy coping skills you currently use to suppress or avoid feelings (drinking, shopping, eating, raging, avoiding). Note healthy ways you’ve coped and calmed in the past that have worked for you without causing extra problems in your life (walk, talk to friend, art, deep breathing, podcast, ocean). Write one coping shift you’d like to make to tend better to your emotions.

5.     How are you tending to your relationships? Maybe you find yourself being defensive, not listening well, or pushing away those you love. Take 10 minutes to reflect on how you are experiencing and showing up in your most important relationships. Note relationships that feel unhealthy and why. Note relationships that feel positive/supportive and why. Note your behavior patterns that are causing problems in your relationships. Write one shift you’d like to make to tend better to your relationships.

Making changes to prioritize caring for yourself can feel challenging. Try remembering that you must take care of yourself consistently to show up well in your family, work, and community life. All aspects of your life suffer when you are at the bottom of your life “to do” list.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 19 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

How Is Christian Counseling Different?

While all counseling addresses your mental health and helps you improve your life experience, Christian counseling incorporates your Christian beliefs and values as an important lens through which you work toward positive change. Whether engaging in counseling or Christian counseling, you are in charge of your experience. You decide how you will talk about your faith, how often, and to what extent you wish that to be part of your counseling. As a Christian counselor, it is not my role to tell you what to believe, but to ask questions to help you clarify how your Christian beliefs are influencing your decisions and relationships.

Sometimes along your faith journey, you may find the way you’re viewing yourself, others, and your life circumstances feels out of balance with your Christian beliefs. Maybe you know God loves others but you see yourself as unlovable. Maybe you know God is forgiving but your belief that you or someone difficult in your life is beyond that loving forgiveness is keeping you bitter and stuck. Maybe you’ve heard that God loves you and wants good things for you, but the way your parents talked about God leaves you seeing God as someone who wants to punish you.

When life stress and pain invite you to forget what you know to be true, I can help you identify, return to, and clarify the Christian values from which you want to be living. Whether you’re an adolescent, teen, adult, parent, or couple, your Christian values can be seamlessly incorporated into your counseling experience.

As a Christian myself, I understand that God’s love, grace, and forgiveness play a major role in healing and working toward a more whole and healthy life. Additionally, as both a therapist and a pastor’s wife for 18 years, I have extensive experience understanding and helping people work through uncomfortable or unhealthy situations you may have experienced in relation to your faith upbringing and church life. I look forward to connecting with you along your journey.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 19 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Why Teen Counseling Matters

I provide helpful, skill-based teen counseling and therapy for middle school through college age students in the Santa Rosa Beach, FL area. With 18 years experience as a teen therapist, I meet with teens to strategically address improving teen depression, teen anxiety, teen self-esteem struggles, teen relationship issues, teen family conflict, self-harming behavior, school pressures, social pressures, clarifying values, managing emotions and generally gaining a strong sense of self for moving forward in healthy ways.

DID YOU KNOW…

• According to the National Institutes of Health, nearly 1 in 3  of all adolescents ages 13 to 18 will experience an anxiety disorder. Numbers continue to rise; between 2007 and 2012, anxiety disorders in children and teens went up 20%.

• In a recent study, children's hospital admissions for suicidal thoughts and actions have doubled during past decade.

• The National Institute of Mental Health reports that about 3.2 million 12- to 17-year-olds have had at least one major depressive episode within the past 12 months.

WHAT’S CAUSING THE RISE OF ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION IN TEENS?

While we don’t have clear cut answers, there are several factors that could be contributing. In addition to genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and environment, consider the following possible contributing issues: 

• Increased expectations and pressure to succeed. Within our culture of achievement, today's youth may be experiencing a more intense pressure to succeed. A yearly survey by Higher Education Research asks incoming college students if they feel overwhelmed by their daily life tasks. In 2016, 41% of students said "yes" compared with 28% in 2000 and 18% in 1985. Students now begin thinking about and discussing college and career as early as the 7th grade.

• Publicized cultural violence. Our children and teens are exposed on a daily basis to news and media discussing terrorism, mass shootings, school shootings, and other disturbing information introducing them to the reality that the world can be a frightening and dangerous place at earlier ages than in generations past. Additionally, children and teens grow up doing lock down drills at school in addition to weather and fire drills.

• Social media.  Most teens are connected throughout each day to social media posts that present images and ideas promoting comparison and challenging positive self-esteem. Social media platforms are also used regularly for bullying.

• Disconnection. In the current age of technology, most families struggle to have face to face interactions often choosing instead to isolate from one another on individual screens and devices sometimes reducing much needed supportive connection at home.

• Emotional Overwhelm. With constant communication with friends at their fingertips, teens often find themselves trying to help peers manage their anxiety, depression symptoms, and social challenges resulting in increased emotional pressure.

WHAT CAN BE DONE TO HELP TEENS MANAGE THE PRESSURE?

While the statistics and pressures are very real, we know the following specific things contribute to teens having a more positive life experience:

• Connection at home. Intentional connecting within families such as meaningful conversation about daily life, family meals without screens, family game night, and one on one time with trusted adults can reduce stress and improve feelings of belonging.

• Connection at school. Positive relationships with school teachers, counselors, principals, and staff can contribute to more positive feelings about self and school experience.

• Healthy friendships. Relationships with peers that highlight individual strengths, provide mutual support, and encourage teens toward a healthy version of themselves in character and behavior largely impact teen self-worth.

• Connection in faith community. When teens connect in a faith community that aligns with their values, there is significant potential for increase in positive relationships, increased perspective of hope, and a deeper understanding of the individual’s place in the world as a greater whole.

• Counseling. As teens begin challenging family values and the parental perspective, it is very helpful to connect with a trained, trustworthy adult that can provide skilled support in reducing the stress and overwhelm common to the teen years. Strategic teen anxiety treatment, teen depression treatment and teen emotional regulation training can equip teens to confidently navigate life’s difficulties.

AS A TEEN, WHAT CAN COUNSELING DO FOR ME?

As you’re moving toward adulthood, life can sometimes feel really hard and overwhelming. You’re becoming your own person, figuring out relationships, navigating school work, and looking toward the future. At times, life can feel fun and exciting. At others, anxiety symptoms, stress, depression symptoms, and the pressures of life might leave you feeling like you don’t know quite what to do next. Counseling during your teen years can be a really helpful way to sort through confusion and to develop a deeper understanding of who you are, what you want in life, and how to get through the overwhelming times.

I come alongside you in safe, private conversations that matter to you and help you untangle stress and confusion, while helping you develop new ways of dealing with your struggles that improve your feelings of healthy control and peace. I talk with teens about healthy ways to cope with stress other than drugs/alcohol, unhealthy relationships, self-harming behavior, or being unkind to yourself.

While your parents may be suggesting you begin counseling, you are the primary decision maker about what you want to talk about in your sessions. Together, we will give your parents updates over time about your progress in counseling and how they can support you. However, the specific content of your sessions will be private so you know counseling is a safe space to talk openly and honestly about what matters to you. You decide what you want to work on in counseling, and I help you gain clarity about how to make things better.

I have seen counseling help teens:

• Move from out of control perfectionism to realistic expectations

• Move from suicidal thoughts to knowing how to manage difficult situations in healthier ways

• Move from feeling consistently anxious and overwhelmed to feeling more comfortable in their own skin

• Move from having large emotions run their life to knowing how to calm big feelings and make better decisions

• Move from feeling distrusting and disconnected from parents to feeling more positive and supported in relating to parents

• Move from choosing toxic, draining social relationships to understanding how to choose healthy, life-giving relationships

• Move from saying unkind things to themselves all day to saying/believing positive truths about themselves

• Move from a lack of sense of self to understanding who they want to be and how to make decisions consistent with values

AS A PARENT, HOW CAN YOU SUPPORT YOUR TEEN?

You love your teen deeply and you want them to be healthy and happy. It’s great and supportive that you are encouraging them to begin counseling. It’s also important for you to encourage your teen to be an involved decision maker in choosing their therapist. We know without a doubt, that your teen’s feelings of control and investment in the counseling process is a strong determiner of positive outcome in their therapy experience. Encourage them to look at websites and to bring a list of their questions to an initial consultation call or first session.

In most situations, I invite parents into some portion of the initial session to gain parental and family perspective. After that, you will get regular updates from your teen and myself together on progress in counseling and specific ways you can support your teen’s growth process. At times, it is very helpful for you to participate in family sessions with your teen to work on various issues that come up along the way.

Another way to support your teen is to ask open ended questions and to listen without judging or advice-giving. As a parent, it’s so tempting to judge and tell your teen what to do because you want the best for them. Often though, teens begin to distance and shut down if they feel judged. Open ended questions provide an opportunity for your teen to share more with you. Instead of asking, “Did you have a good day?” which is a yes/no question, try asking “How was that history test you were studying for?” or “What happened with the break up today?” Then, leave lots of space and silence for your teen to share. Sometimes they may not share. But, over time, if you continue asking, they are likely to begin sharing.

When they do share, instead of advice-giving or saying, “Why did you do that?" try validating what they shared by saying something to let them know you heard and understood what they said. And to let them know you get how they might be feeling. For example, “That fight with your best friend sounds like it was really painful and stressful today. I can see how you would feel overwhelmed by it all.” When you might normally engage in advice-giving, try saying, “What will you do about that situation?” This allows your teen to do some problem solving and to know you are working to trust them in managing their daily challenges.

Most importantly, spend face to face time with your teen doing something they enjoy. Tell them frequently how much you love them even when they aren’t doing what you want them to do. And, remind them of all the positive things you see in them regularly. All of these things will build a trusting foundation so they come to you when they need support. If you’re a parent seeking counseling for the complicated parenting journey, I would be happy to talk with you about your counseling needs as well.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 19 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Sorry, Not Sorry.

“I’m sorry. I was wrong. I can see that I hurt you and I shouldn’t have done that. I value our relationship. I will make every effort not to do that in the future.” Wouldn’t it be so helpful to hear that when someone hurt you? 

What we often get instead is…”I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t….” Or, “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive.” Or, “I’m sorry your feelings are hurt but the reason I did this is because you….” Or, often we get silence and are expected to move on in a relationship with no acknowledgment or resolution around the hurt.

If you’re like most humans, you appreciate and need a sincere, heartfelt apology as a part of repairing a relationship. However, it’s often easier to receive an apology than to give one. Apologizing is the humbling act of taking direct, verbal responsibility for something hurtful you’ve done to someone else. And, following up the verbal apology with a behavioral commitment to change your behavior to prevent repetitive hurt. Apologizing is a cornerstone of healthy relationship.

If apologizing is hard for you, you may have some of the following common objections to saying you’re sorry:

·      I didn’t intend to hurt anyone.

·      Parents aren’t supposed to apologize to their kids.

·      The other person hurt me too and they need to apologize first.

·      If I apologize, I’m giving away power I have in the relationship.

·      The other person deserved the hurtful thing I did.

·      I don’t do anything wrong so I don’t owe anyone an apology.

While these objections can be powerful motivations preventing apology, the cost is disconnected relationship that lacks trust and accountability. Apologizing is non-negotiable if you want honest, reciprocal, trustworthy relationship.

So, you know you need to apologize but how do you get it right?

5 Things NOT do when Apologizing:

1.     Don’t make excuses. Someone you’ve hurt is not interested in why you hurt them.

2.     Don’t lecture. If there is something you want the other person to do differently in the future of your relationship, address that issue at a separate time, not on the heels of your apology.

3.     Don’t use apology to get results. Apologize because you care and you have remorse for hurting the other person. Don’t apologize to get the other person to quickly move on from their pain, to finish a work project, or to move back to life as usual because this is more comfortable for you.

4.     Don’t insult the hurt person’s emotional experience. “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive” is not an apology. It’s an insult and indicates no responsibility for your hurtful behavior.

5.     Don’t demand forgiveness. The hurt person gets to decide how they will receive your apology. If they choose to forgive you, they get to decide that in their own time.

5 Things TO do when Apologizing:

1.     Take full responsibility for your part. Reflect on what you understand was hurtful behavior on your part. Say you’re sorry and say specifically what you did that was hurtful. “I’m sorry I stood you up for our lunch date.” Even if the other person did something hurtful to you in this situation, now is not the time to say it. Own your part and hold them accountable for their part in a separate discussion. 

2.     Validate the emotion of the hurt party. “I can see and understand that it was hurtful to you when I did not show up for lunch.”

3.     Communicate the value of the relationship. “Our friendship is important to me and my behavior did not reflect that.”

4.     Communicate and follow through on a plan for change. “I commit to doing better in the future. If I make plans with you, I will show up or let you know in advance if I have a change of plans.”

5.     Keep it simple. Apologize and leave it at that. Correcting, lecturing, or explaining your behavior will only take away from the apology.

While apologizing can be difficult at times, it’s a healthy practice that causes self-awareness, personal growth, and relational maturity. There is something freeing about admitting you are wrong sometimes and taking the steps to make things right with others. Sincere apology followed by behavioral change can be profoundly healing in any relationship. These tips can be used in marriage, friendship, parent-child relationships, work, and beyond. Connect with more emotional and relational health resources at journeybravely.com for your counseling and coaching journey.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled. 

Can People Really Change?

 Are you worn out from navigating the current emotional climate in America? Tensions certainly abound. Mask or no mask? Reopen or slow down reopening? Support black lives or support law enforcement? Peaceful protesting or fear of looting? It’s a lot to sort and manage emotionally. 

Maybe as you’ve been quarantined, you’ve noticed something about yourself that needs to change. Maybe an important relationship isn’t as strong as you believed. Maybe racial tension has caused some reflection and personal work around racism. Entertaining the need for internal change is no small thing. Do you find yourself wondering if you or others can really change? Or are you basically stuck in the ways you’ve always thought and behaved?

The good news is your brain was created to expand its capacity and shift its focus based on what you intentionally and repetitively practice. In addition to your neurobiology, humility is required for true change. Being able to admit there are things you need to learn that only someone else can teach you opens the door wide for genuine, deep, sustained change. Everyone falls short and needs to engage in change throughout life, but how does that actually work?

10 Steps to Transformational Change:

1.     Notice the discomfort. Life events creates emotional/relational discomfort that challenges you to admit something in your life is unhealthy.

2.     Name the problem. “I’m drinking too much.” “I’m working too much.” “I’m not standing up for others like I want to.”

3.     Grieve the impact of the problem. Acknowledge and take responsibility for the hurtful impact the problem has had on yourself and others. Give heartfelt apologies and confess/receive forgiveness from God.

4.     Confront and release shame.  Notice where you are beating yourself up for the problem and recognize that shaming yourself results in feeling stuck and impedes growth and healing. Commit to move forward here and now.

5.     Cultivate curiosity about the problem. Where and how often is the problem showing up in your daily life? You may experience some overwhelm realizing the problem is more widespread than you knew. Allow yourself to be emotionally unsettled about the problem. Entertain the need for action to make a change.

6.     Educate yourself. Consume new resources, seek counseling/support to understand the origin of the problem. Learn new tools/strategies to make a change.

7.     Commit to and complete action steps for change repeatedly. Begin taking a pause each time you notice the problem and take intentional steps to implement the new positive behavior or strategy of change. You may begin by noticing and making the change after you’ve already engaged in the problem at first. That’s ok, it’s part of the process. Eventually with practice, you’ll be able to notice and implement change before the problem has occurred.

8.     Sustain change. Practice new skills for weeks, then months until you begin to notice the problem is showing up much less in your life. Eventually, the new, healthier tools and perspective will become normal. Make a life-long commitment to keep the new normal.

9.     Celebrate and enjoy freedom of change. As you see the evidence of transformation in your life, know that with commitment and attention such change can be repeated in other areas of your life.

10.  Embrace humility. Know deeply that you don’t have life figured out and there’s always something to learn. Be open to repeating this process of change as you are open to noticing more problem areas within yourself.

You can apply this process of change to many areas of your personal life including bad habits, stuck relationships, negative thoughts/beliefs and community areas of change such as pursuing justice and loving your neighbor as you love yourself. The important thing is to be a person who continues to do your personal work so you can show up as a positive contributor in your relationships, community and world. As you walk through your process of change, remember counseling or coaching can be a helpful tool. Journey Bravely would be happy to connect with you along your journey at journeybravely.com.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Self Care During Coronavirus Pandemic

The COVID-19 Pandemic has hit hard and now you’re trying to figure out how to stay home, homeschool kids, work from home, figure out getting groceries without being exposed, cook more meals…and that doesn’t even cover the emotional turmoil created daily by the rising diagnosis/death tolls and constant news coverage. All of these changes are occurring at the same time and it’s natural for your brain to feel overwhelmed, confused, and forgetful.

You may be focused primarily on taking care of others in your life, however, self care is very important right now to help your brain find the balance it needs to develop it’s new routine and rhythm. Self care is not selfish. In fact, one of the most helpful and loving things you can do to make yourself healthy and available to help those you love is to incorporate some self care into your daily life. Constant stress increases your Cortisol levels, contributes to lower immune system, and puts you at higher risk for unhealth. Taking as little as 10 minutes a day to do something calming and loving toward yourself can make a significant difference in your mental and physical health.

What Is Self Care?

Self care is any activity that creates a sense of calm, rest, relaxation and kindness toward yourself. The goal is to remember that while others are important, so are you. The purpose of self care is to get a physical and mental break from the constant busyness and stress associated with transition and crisis. There are many forms of self care that vary widely based on the personality and enjoyment of the individual. Some common examples are:

• Getting enough sleep

• Eating healthy foods

• Exercise

• Prayer/Meditation

• Reading

• Sports

• Talking to a friend

• Journaling

• Creative writing

• Playing video games

• Taking a bath

• Doing your nails

• Being outdoors

• Dancing

• Singing

• Jumping on the trampoline

• Art

• Cleaning

• Swimming

• Riding a bike

• Baking

• Decorating

• Holding your pet

• Deep breathing

• Diffusing/applying essential oils

• Organizing

The best way to make sure self care happens is to be realistic with your expectations, set aside specific time, and let your loved ones know you are taking your self care time and ask them to respect that time. It may also be helpful right now to create some boundaries around when work and school are happening daily so you can identify non-work time to schedule your self care activities.

As you consider your self care time, remember that others in your home need self care too. Consider asking them what they will do for self care and when they will set aside time so you can support their efforts to maintain their emotional health, too. Once you get a self care routine going during the pandemic, maybe you will find it easier to incorporate self care when the pandemic ends and you return to work, school, and other activities outside the home.

If you’re struggling with the pandemic or something else and are wanting to connect for online counseling, Journey Bravely is here to help you get started with online counseling this week. Call 918-221-9987 for your free 15 minute consultation call or if you’re ready to schedule your initial online counseling session, connect to our client portal to schedule now here.

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Mindfulness: An Antidote to Anxiety

Do you find it difficult to enjoy today because your mind is anxious and overwhelmed about the past and future?

Mindfulness is the practice of increasing focus on the present moment instead of on the past and future. Mindfulness creates space for you to live and enjoy life with less background noise. It can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression while increasing attention, calm, and presence in your relationships. 

However, our brains naturally gravitate toward past or future, distracting us from our present experience. Past thoughts are commonly about regret leaving us feeling sad. Future thoughts are commonly about our desire to control future events leading to anxiety. In reality, we can only be in the present moment.

Most often, the present moment is not the source of stress. Rather, it’s our past or future oriented, obsessive thoughts creating anxiety. Stress results from the long to-do list for later today or the difficult conversation we are replaying from yesterday. 

The hopeful news is current neuroscience says our brains are moldable and created for change. With intentional, repetitive mindfulness practice, our brains can and will embrace more present focus. Explore these mindfulness characteristics and practices to feel calmer and more present in life.

8 Characteristics of Mindfulness:

• Notice your surroundings as you observe them through your 5 senses. "I see a red car, I hear my favorite song, I feel cool air blowing on me, I feel the smooth steering wheel, I smell my peppermint car freshener."

• Let go of trying to control what is outside your control. Accept what is happening and think about how you can bring the best version of yourself into that situation.

• Let go of judging people and circumstances as good/bad. Instead notice and accept behavior and circumstances as they are. Recognize your response does not need to be determined by others behaving well or badly.

• Notice and name feelings without allowing your feelings to determine your response. "I'm noticing that sadness is surrounding me right now and I can feel it in my throat and in my eyes." A feeling can just be a feeling when you understand and name it.

• Notice thoughts and feelings come and go like waves and usually move on if we do not grasp or avoid them.

• Participate fully in exactly what you are doing right now. Let go of ruminating and begin describing your present experience to yourself through your senses. Allow yourself to become immersed fully in the present experience.

• Tend to each thing in its own time. If while you are focusing on the present moment, you are noticing a repeated invasive thought about a future task, set aside a specific time later to give the future task your full attention. 

• Do one thing at a time. There is something relaxing about refusing to multitask.

Now that you understand some basic ideas of mindfulness, use the following steps to stay in the present when past and future thoughts try to dominate your mind.

5 Steps for Practicing Mindfulness:

1.     DESCRIBE your moment by moment actions to yourself. "I am getting out of bed, the floor is cold, I'm turning on the shower..."

1. NOTICE past/future oriented thoughts. "I am noticing that I'm thinking about my work meeting tomorrow."

2. GENTLY DISMISS past/future oriented thoughts. "Now is not the time to think about my work meeting. I will spend 30 minutes tonight preparing for my meeting. Right now, I am focusing on…"

3. RETURN to describing your moment by moment experience using your senses. "I see a blue umbrella, I smell fresh rain, I feel moisture on my skin."

4. REPEAT the process over and over knowing you are retraining your brain. At some point in the near future, you won't have to work so hard at it!

It is helpful to begin steps of mindfulness during short, specific life activities like teeth brushing, eating breakfast, and driving. After you are practiced, begin putting activities together to build hours of mindfulness. Keep in mind it takes about 21 days of repetitive practice to create a new brain habit, then additional weeks of consistency to sustain the habit. 

I encourage you to commit 21 days to developing this practice and track your progress. Visit the Journeybravely.com Resources page for your free 21 Day Mindfulness Challenge PDF plus a free PDF Mindfulness Steps & Characteristics sheet. I wish you success in showing up fully in your present life!

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.