An Invitation to Dream

One of the most difficult seasons of my life were the two years I had hopes and dreams I was too scared to share with other people. The truth is, I wasn’t even brave enough to acknowledge them to myself. It was time to move from one chapter of life to the next, but I thought I didn’t know how I wanted to begin writing the next chapter. I kept talking myself out of the things that were stirring within me. However, when I got brave enough to acknowledge and share my dreams, amazing things began to happen. Life, relationships, and even work become adventures to be lived when you name your dreams and ambitions. When you are brave enough to do this, you take the first steps on an exciting journey of growth. Struggling on where to start?

6 Practices to Help Clarify Your Dreams

Focus on the potential, not the problem

The tendency to focus on the problems of life leads to anxious thoughts that anchor you to status quo thinking. When you allow yourself space to imagine the life you want to live, you begin to develop a passion and desire that can move you forward. As I’ve written before, one the most powerful and important questions to wrestle with is, “What do I want…. really?”

Postpone edits

The discipline of dreaming requires postponing edits. Many of us choose to live a limited lifebecause we edit chapters in our life story that haven’t been written yet. Focusing on potential and allowing ourselves to dream makes us vulnerable to disruption or disappointment. So, we prematurely edit our, what could be, magnificent stories in favor of a settled life.

Resist either/or thinking

We have been told ad nauseum, “you can’t have your cake and eat it too.” While this is true in some situations, there is a temptation to overapply this. As you imagine what is possible give yourself permission and hold yourself accountable to keeping a both/and mindset. Either/ or thinking comes from a scarcity mindset; there is only one cake. An abundance mindset allows both/and thinking, I can eat my cake and bake more.

Figure out what first…. how later

Don’t limit your future based on your current capabilities. It’s so tempting when you begin to imagine what is possible to quickly begin wondering how to make it happen. When you do this, you shut the door on imagining what is possible and shift to problem solving. You don’t have to know how to get there yet. If you already had the skills and knew how to get the outcome you wanted, you would have already done it. When you keep your attention focused on what you desire to be true, you will naturally begin gathering evidence of the behaviors and attitudes that lead you towards that vision or away from it. Getting clear on what you want will contribute, over time, to the clarity of how to get there. When focused on the problem you say, “I don’t know how.” When focused on the possibility you say, “I don’t know how…yet.”

Leverage What ifs

“What if” thinking can be a blessing or a curse entirely based on how you apply it. When you imagine “what if?” in a negative way you paralyze yourself with fear. What if I can’t? What if it fails? While these may be possibilities, so are the positive “what ifs”. What if I can? What if it all works out? The challenge here is to intentionally focus on the positive.

Be patient, enjoy the journey and make room for serendipity

Dreams shrink when they are rushed. If your vision is big, it will take time. Keep the view in front of you and take the next right step. You don’t have to have it all figured out. And, again, if your dream is big enough, you probably won’t have it all figured out. We tend to overestimate what we can accomplish in a short amount of time and grossly underestimate what is possible in the long term. Resist the temptation to shrink your dream to fit who you are today. Instead, allow yourself space and time to grow into your dream. Celebrate the steps you take along the way and enjoy those unexplainable moments of serendipity that happen along the way.

One of our great joys in working with people is to witness those moments of transformation when a lightbulb goes on and clients begin to imagine and believe what is possible. If you’d like to connect with support along your journey, connect with me here.

Todd Craig has over 20 years experience having helpful coaching conversations with individuals, couples, and groups including 5 years experience of professional life and leadership coaching. He uses effective, strategic tools including the Birkman and Enneagram in his skill based coaching to help people move their stories and goals forward. To meet with Todd, connect here.

Staying in Your Lane

Do you ever find yourself feeling anxious, irritable and out of control? You’ve got that person who refuses to do things the way you think they should and it’s causing stress in your life and theirs. You believe deep down that if your child, partner, coworker, parent, sibling, random driver on the road would just do things “the right way” (your way), things would be so much better for everyone. You spend energy thinking about how you can change them. Then, you find yourself frustrated and resentful when you realize they are going to continue doing things their way. Often, you spend energy that could be spent managing yourself focused on the other person. And, all of this results in more feeling out of control and stuck.

It’s uncomfortable when other’s choices cause inconvenience, stress, and pain for you. Maybe someone in your life is drinking too much to cope. Maybe they are choosing an unhealthy relationship. Maybe they aren’t showing up emotionally for you. Maybe someone is in a self-destructive space and you can’t help them snap out of it. Regardless how much you care about the well-being of others, one thing is true. The only person you can control is yourself. You cannot control your friends, family, children or anyone else. 

So, what are you supposed to do with this tension of believing life would be better if only others would do what you say and the reality that people are only in charge of their own thoughts, feelings, and actions? Finding your lane of healthy self-control and developing the discipline to stay in that lane is the pathway to your freedom.

5 Ways to Find Your Lane and Stay in It:

1.     Accept what you can and can’t control. You can only control yourself. Your energy is best spent focusing on managing your thoughts, emotions, and actions well. Focusing on others behavior is an unhelpful distraction and a waste of energy. Try making imaginary bins for what you can and can’t control and sort things into them when you find yourself in frustrating situations with others.

2.     Notice anytime you are saying or thinking, “If they would just…” Thoughts and conversations that revolve around what others should be doing differently indicate you’re driving in someone else’s lane in which you have no control. This will result in consistent frustration and exhaustion. Try reminding yourself to get back in your lane where you have healthy power and self-control.

3.     Focus on understanding and mastering your own lane. Think honestly about how you are managing your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Notice things you might want to change such as taking better care of yourself, developing healthier coping skills, working on your relationship skills. Try choosing a couple of specific areas and intentionally focus your energy on your personal growth.

4.     Pay attention to boundaries. Often when you are out of your lane, it means you need to adjust boundaries. Instead of focusing on changing someone else’s behavior, try focusing on how you will adjust your engagement in the relationship if the other person continues with unhealthy behavior. Maybe spend less time with them, share less vulnerable information, invest less energy. Or with parenting, perhaps you reduce privileges or make electronics contingent on responsible behavior.

5.     Ask for what you need directly with kindness. When someone else’s behavior is negatively impacting you, it is more effective to have a direct, kind conversation than to try to control their behavior. Try saying, “When you ______, I feel _______, what would work better for me in our relationship is _______.” Once you’ve had the conversation, you can observe whether the person responds with openness and intention to respect your needs. If they do, great. If they don’t, stay in your lane by changing your boundaries in the relationship.

Staying in your lane is not selfish. In fact, it’s one of the most healthy, loving things you can do for others. By staying in your lane, you provide space for others to learn the healthy practice of staying in and managing their lane.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 19 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

How Is Christian Counseling Different?

While all counseling addresses your mental health and helps you improve your life experience, Christian counseling incorporates your Christian beliefs and values as an important lens through which you work toward positive change. Whether engaging in counseling or Christian counseling, you are in charge of your experience. You decide how you will talk about your faith, how often, and to what extent you wish that to be part of your counseling. As a Christian counselor, it is not my role to tell you what to believe, but to ask questions to help you clarify how your Christian beliefs are influencing your decisions and relationships.

Sometimes along your faith journey, you may find the way you’re viewing yourself, others, and your life circumstances feels out of balance with your Christian beliefs. Maybe you know God loves others but you see yourself as unlovable. Maybe you know God is forgiving but your belief that you or someone difficult in your life is beyond that loving forgiveness is keeping you bitter and stuck. Maybe you’ve heard that God loves you and wants good things for you, but the way your parents talked about God leaves you seeing God as someone who wants to punish you.

When life stress and pain invite you to forget what you know to be true, I can help you identify, return to, and clarify the Christian values from which you want to be living. Whether you’re an adolescent, teen, adult, parent, or couple, your Christian values can be seamlessly incorporated into your counseling experience.

As a Christian myself, I understand that God’s love, grace, and forgiveness play a major role in healing and working toward a more whole and healthy life. Additionally, as both a therapist and a pastor’s wife for 18 years, I have extensive experience understanding and helping people work through uncomfortable or unhealthy situations you may have experienced in relation to your faith upbringing and church life. I look forward to connecting with you along your journey.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 19 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.