What is This Time For?

There was a season of life where I reached the end of the day feeling I had been a slave to my to-do list. I was busy running from one task to the next. And, even when the days were as productive as they were busy, I often felt unfulfilled at the end of the day. Though things were getting done, there was no time to appreciate my accomplishments and tasks that were being accomplished were sometimes at the expense of being present with the people that matter most to me. I was overwhelmed, tired, and frustrated.

Time is one of our most precious gifts. Time is finite, we can’t “make time,” (even though we often use the phrase) we can only spend it. Additionally, we don’t get “do overs” with our time. So, we have developed and utilize tools to help us maximize our time including watches, calendars, alarm clocks, time management apps on our phones, to-do lists, and many others. Ironically, we can allow ourselves to be controlled by these tools, which are supposed to help us stay in control, at the expense of the very moments the tools were intended to help us maximize.

So how do we break out of this cycle? Here are three strategies that have been helpful for me and my clients:

1. Consider the different aspects of time. In our culture, we tend to think of time in a narrow and limited way. I often introduce my clients to the words the Greeks used to differentiate two ways they thought of time. The two words are chronos and kairos. The Greek word chronos is the easiest for us to understand because it aligns with the mostcommon way we refer to time. Chronos refers to the quantity of time. When we say, “It arrived at 3:07,” or “I am getting married in 18 days,” or “The cupcakes will be ready in 20 minutes,” weare talking about chronos time. Most of the tools we have for time management are built around maximizing time in a quantitative sense. The Greek word Kairos, however, refers to time in a qualitative sense. We tend to think about time in this way far less. However, when we say, “It showed up at just the right time” or “We knew it was time to get married” or “These cupcakes are taking forever” we are referring to kairos time. Our hectic schedules can challenge our efforts to maximize time in a qualitative sense. Of course, both understandings of time are important. A chronos understanding helps us recognize the limits of our time and the need to act so we can move our stories forward. And a kairos understanding helps us think beyond those limits so we move our stories forward with intentionality and meaning.

2. Slow down to speed up. With a Kairos understanding of time, we can begin to see that sometimes the most efficient thing we can do is slow down and take a breath before rushing to the next thing. When we do this, we let go of anxious mental energy in favor of focused mental energy. This also gives us space to exercise a third strategy.

3. Ask, “What is this time for?” When we are thinking about time with a chronos understanding, we will tend to ask questions like, “What do I have to do?”, “Where am I supposed to be?”, or “How long is this going to take?” In this sense, time is being spent and we can find ourselves looking towards what’s next. But, when we are thinking about time with a karios understanding, we might ask a question like, “What is this time for?” Asking this question can help us relax into the moment and consider taking in all the benefits the present moment has to offer. Asking, “What is this time for?” may save me from rushing to accomplish more tasks on my to-do list (quantitative) in favor of taking time to be fully present with my child who is asking for help with a school project or waiting to be tucked in at night (qualitative).

As you work toward making shifts in how you view time, we are here to support you in your journey.

Todd Craig has over 20 years experience having helpful coaching conversations with individuals, couples, and groups including 5 years experience of professional life and leadership coaching. He uses effective, strategic tools including the Birkman and Enneagram in his skill based coaching to help people move their stories and goals forward. To meet with Todd, connect here.

You Are NOT Your Mistakes

Ever find yourself wishing you could crawl into a hole after you’ve made a mistake or failed? Or maybe your spouse or child made a poor choice and you feel ashamed? 

Shame is incredibly powerful and will invite you to keep secrets, hide, and to feel less than. Shame also encourages you to shame others to avoid dealing with your emotional pain. The helpful news is everyone fails and makes mistakes because mistakes are part of being human. Sometimes mistakes are small like missing an appointment. Other times mistakes are big, destructive, and damage opportunities and relationships. Regardless of the size, realizing you or someone you love has made a mistake can be difficult to navigate emotionally.

Mistake shame will often trick you into believing you should define yourself by your worst moments. “Only a bad person would do what I did.” “Only someone who doesn’t care about their family would do what I did.” However, creating a healthy framework for navigating mistakes and failure can transform your most difficult moments into deep opportunities for growth and flourishing. So, how do you get from failure shame to flourishing?

5 Healthy Steps for Navigating Failure and Mistakes

1.     Approach each day with humility. Remember daily you are human and likely to make mistakes. Set reasonable expectations for yourself, strive to make wise decisions and remind yourself that mistakes may happen. 

2.     Honestly identify and take responsibility for mistakes when they happen. Watch for a tendency to avoid owning mistakes and blaming others to make yourself more emotionally comfortable. It’s okay to just say, “I really messed that up. I’m human. Everyone makes mistakes. Now I’m going to take the necessary steps to make it right if possible.”

3.     Tell those involved about the mistake. Hiding failure and mistakes breeds shame and results in lies and broken trust. It’s better to tell people you messed up. Apologize when appropriate. Then determine action steps to correct the issue. “I was supposed to have my part of the project done today. I’m sorry I didn’t follow through on time. I’m going to cancel my other plans today and get my part of the project to you by the end of the day. I will also take responsibility with our boss if we turn in the project late.”

4.     Extend grace to yourself. Watch for shame messages that will invite you to judge yourself harshly. “I can’t believe you did that. You’re so irresponsible.” “No one will ever trust you because you screw up everything.” “Everyone is going to know what you did and it’s all people will remember about you.” Instead, create a gracious mantra you can repeat to yourself each time you fail or make a mistake. “I messed up. Everyone messes up because we are human. I’m a loving, responsible person. I will take responsibility and action to fix my mistake. I will learn from this going forward and become a wiser person.”

5.     Reflect on what happened to increase wisdom. After you have moved through being honest and taking responsibility for your mistake, take time to reflect on the situation. Where did you go wrong? Were there decisions you made that led up to the failure that you could change in the future? What valuable lessons did you learn from the mistake? What did you learn about yourself in the process? Is there a pattern to the mistakes you’re making? Is there deeper personal work that needs to be done so you can learn from what happened? Internalize the answers to these questions and incorporate them into daily life to avoid making the same mistakes moving forward.

Failure and mistakes are inevitable. Even the most careful, responsible people make mistakes often. Remember, mistakes do not define your identity or the identity of others. Extend grace to yourself and those around you with the healthy knowledge that your most recent failure might be the catalyst for the most significant growth of your life. 

When sorting through failure and mistakes, sometimes it helps to have professional support. Journey Bravely currently has adult, teen, and couples coaching sessions available to help you navigate life’s challenges. Connect with us at journeybravely.com.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 19 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Ditch Resolutions for Life-Giving Activities

Tired of making resolutions and experiencing a sense of failure by the end of January? It’s easy to make self-disciplined plans in December until January hits and you’re back to eating out, skipping the gym, staying up late, procrastinating and spending energy taking care of everyone but you. What are you supposed to do when the resolutions have fallen flat and you still desire some healthy direction for the remaining 11 months?

Instead of setting idealistic, unrealistic resolutions that tend to be all or nothing oriented, consider creating a Life-Giving Activities List to provide your daily and weekly life with some flexible, commitment-oriented direction. Life-giving activities are disciplines or practices that when done consistently, move your life toward living out your values with meaning and balance. Life-giving activities are measured over the long term of weeks and months rather than days and allow for extending yourself grace when you’ve missed the mark on any given day or week. They provide a barometer of sorts to check in on your level of health in various areas of life and provide a guide for making needed adjustments as you go throughout the year. While resolutions are meant to serve us, we often end up feeling enslaved to them. Life-giving activities serve your desired personal growth rather than you serving them.

5 Ways to Create and Use Your Life-Giving Activities List

1.     Consider areas of focus and determine where growth is desired. Areas of focus to consider include physical health, emotional health, spiritual health, and relational health. Questions you might consider to help you evaluate these areas of focus include:  How am I caring for my body? How is my sleep? How are my relationships? How is my stress level? In what areas of life do I want to see growth? 

2.     In your own words, choose 5-10 areas of focus that will create the main items on your Life-Giving Activity List. For example, my areas of focus include: Connect with God, Connect with Family, Eat Intuitively, Sleep Well, Have Fun, Meaningful Work, Move My Body, Personal Development, Engage Hobbies/Creativity, Be Generous.

3.     Choose up to 5 life-giving activity options for each area of focus that bring balance and joy to life. Choose activities you know or suspect will promote your desired growth in each area of focus. You do not need to complete all of the activities each week but instead, choose one or more activities from your list weekly to help you grow in each area of focus. On my list, under Connect with Family my activities include family table dinners, family game night, movie night, date night. Under Connect with God, my activities include prayer walks on the beach, participate in worship community, participate in small group, spiritual reading/podcasts. 

4.     Post your Life-Giving Activities List in an easily accessible location. Put the list in your phone notes and consider posting a hard copy in your home. I like posting my list on the bathroom mirror where I see it throughout the day.

5.     Create a consistent weekly time to use your Life-Giving Activities List for a personal growth check-in. Set aside 10 or more minutes to reflect on the prior week. Notice how many of your 5-10 areas of focus you engaged over the past week. Notice which areas you might be avoiding and consider why. Notice which activities have brought you the most joy and meaning. Notice if you felt a sense of healthy, balance or a sense of exhaustion and chaos. Consider how you will adjust your activities in the coming week. You may want to schedule your life-giving activities into your calendar so they will actually happen.

The Life-Giving Activities List is meant to be a flexible guide to provide structure and reflection. It’s a great tool for noticing when life has taken a turn away from your deepest values. It provides gracious course correction opportunity without the shame of failure. When used consistently, the list can empower you to live life in health and balance. Feel free to adjust your list as needed throughout the year. When I consistently engage life-giving activities in 7-10 of my areas of focus, life feels more connected, intentional, balanced, happy, and healthy. Best wishes to you in your growth in 2020! Click here to download your personalized Life-Giving Activities Worksheet.

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.