Kindness vs. Cancelling

You’re in the middle of a conversation and suddenly it becomes apparent the person you’re talking to holds a different opinion on an important topic. Maybe you start to worry if you share your thoughts, you’ll be judged or cancelled. Maybe you feel incensed the other person could possibly hold that opinion or belief and you feel tempted to judge, cancel, or shame them. Maybe you want to learn to hold the tension of differing views and values but you feel confused about how to be true to your values while not judging or shaming someone else.

Cancel culture regularly sacrifices kindness in the name of being right and holding others accountable. Cancel culture says for justice and rightness to prevail, people must be publicly shamed for holding independent beliefs that deviate from some moral majority. And when you’re part of the moral majority, cancelling others can feel justified. The problem is cancel culture is built on the false idea that shame creates true change. In reality, current shame research (read anything by Brene Brown for more on shame) tells us shame actually breeds insecurity, self-loathing and hopelessness. Shame may create a temporary, superficial, face-saving shift but results, long-term, in the opposite of healthy change. Ashamed people are highly likely to make poor choices that have negative, hurtful effects on themselves and others.

So, if you remove shame from your toolbox, what options do you have? Reflect on a time when you needed to learn something new. What was most effective in helping you move forward? Maybe someone said you were unintelligent and you needed to get it together. Maybe someone said you must be ignorant for not already knowing something. Was that helpful to you?  Or, maybe someone lovingly and kindly said you are a valuable person period. Maybe they directly and kindly shared a different perspective and allowed space for you to hold your value while also presenting a new possibility. Was that helpful to you? Kindness consistently moves people toward change more effectively than shame. And, kindness makes you feel better about yourself at the end of the day.

5 Ways to Practice Kindness Over Cancelling:

1.     Slow down and take a breath. Different opinions/values can create emotional overwhelm if you feel strongly about something. You may find yourself going into fight or flight and impulsively speaking words of shame. Try taking a few breaths and reminding yourself that someone else having a different value than you does not mean attack or shame are needed. Instead remember that both values can exist even if you disagree.

2.     Humanize the other person. Often when someone holds a different value, it’s tempting to begin viewing them as “other” and deserving of shame. Try remembering traits you like and appreciate about the person. Remind yourself they are a whole person with strengths and weaknesses and try not to define them by the one issue about which you disagree.

3.     Seek to validate. Validating means try to understand how the other person might believe or feel the way they do based on their history and experiences. You don’t have to agree. Instead, try to embrace and articulate to the other person that you can understand how they might see things the way they do even if it’s very different than how you see it. Validation reduces defensiveness and opens avenues for seeing the other person as valuable despite differences.

4.     Embrace humility. Try remembering that while you may hold your values to be very true and dear, you are not the absolute authority on truth. You can believe your values are right and true while also recognizing others can differ from you and still be worthwhile humans who may help you understand something new.

5.     Communicate directly and kindly. Share your thoughts and beliefs calmly, directly, and with a kind tone. Remember that your values/opinions can exist securely even when others don’t agree. 

Approaching others with kindness instead of cancelling creates opportunities for growth in yourself and others. Kindness brings more conversation, connection, and increased possibilities for change without the unnecessary negativity of shame. As you practice walking in kindness, connect with us for support along your journey at journeybravely.com.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 19 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Staying in Your Lane

Do you ever find yourself feeling anxious, irritable and out of control? You’ve got that person who refuses to do things the way you think they should and it’s causing stress in your life and theirs. You believe deep down that if your child, partner, coworker, parent, sibling, random driver on the road would just do things “the right way” (your way), things would be so much better for everyone. You spend energy thinking about how you can change them. Then, you find yourself frustrated and resentful when you realize they are going to continue doing things their way. Often, you spend energy that could be spent managing yourself focused on the other person. And, all of this results in more feeling out of control and stuck.

It’s uncomfortable when other’s choices cause inconvenience, stress, and pain for you. Maybe someone in your life is drinking too much to cope. Maybe they are choosing an unhealthy relationship. Maybe they aren’t showing up emotionally for you. Maybe someone is in a self-destructive space and you can’t help them snap out of it. Regardless how much you care about the well-being of others, one thing is true. The only person you can control is yourself. You cannot control your friends, family, children or anyone else. 

So, what are you supposed to do with this tension of believing life would be better if only others would do what you say and the reality that people are only in charge of their own thoughts, feelings, and actions? Finding your lane of healthy self-control and developing the discipline to stay in that lane is the pathway to your freedom.

5 Ways to Find Your Lane and Stay in It:

1.     Accept what you can and can’t control. You can only control yourself. Your energy is best spent focusing on managing your thoughts, emotions, and actions well. Focusing on others behavior is an unhelpful distraction and a waste of energy. Try making imaginary bins for what you can and can’t control and sort things into them when you find yourself in frustrating situations with others.

2.     Notice anytime you are saying or thinking, “If they would just…” Thoughts and conversations that revolve around what others should be doing differently indicate you’re driving in someone else’s lane in which you have no control. This will result in consistent frustration and exhaustion. Try reminding yourself to get back in your lane where you have healthy power and self-control.

3.     Focus on understanding and mastering your own lane. Think honestly about how you are managing your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Notice things you might want to change such as taking better care of yourself, developing healthier coping skills, working on your relationship skills. Try choosing a couple of specific areas and intentionally focus your energy on your personal growth.

4.     Pay attention to boundaries. Often when you are out of your lane, it means you need to adjust boundaries. Instead of focusing on changing someone else’s behavior, try focusing on how you will adjust your engagement in the relationship if the other person continues with unhealthy behavior. Maybe spend less time with them, share less vulnerable information, invest less energy. Or with parenting, perhaps you reduce privileges or make electronics contingent on responsible behavior.

5.     Ask for what you need directly with kindness. When someone else’s behavior is negatively impacting you, it is more effective to have a direct, kind conversation than to try to control their behavior. Try saying, “When you ______, I feel _______, what would work better for me in our relationship is _______.” Once you’ve had the conversation, you can observe whether the person responds with openness and intention to respect your needs. If they do, great. If they don’t, stay in your lane by changing your boundaries in the relationship.

Staying in your lane is not selfish. In fact, it’s one of the most healthy, loving things you can do for others. By staying in your lane, you provide space for others to learn the healthy practice of staying in and managing their lane.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 19 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Why Teen Counseling Matters

I provide helpful, skill-based teen counseling and therapy for middle school through college age students in the Santa Rosa Beach, FL area. With 18 years experience as a teen therapist, I meet with teens to strategically address improving teen depression, teen anxiety, teen self-esteem struggles, teen relationship issues, teen family conflict, self-harming behavior, school pressures, social pressures, clarifying values, managing emotions and generally gaining a strong sense of self for moving forward in healthy ways.

DID YOU KNOW…

• According to the National Institutes of Health, nearly 1 in 3  of all adolescents ages 13 to 18 will experience an anxiety disorder. Numbers continue to rise; between 2007 and 2012, anxiety disorders in children and teens went up 20%.

• In a recent study, children's hospital admissions for suicidal thoughts and actions have doubled during past decade.

• The National Institute of Mental Health reports that about 3.2 million 12- to 17-year-olds have had at least one major depressive episode within the past 12 months.

WHAT’S CAUSING THE RISE OF ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION IN TEENS?

While we don’t have clear cut answers, there are several factors that could be contributing. In addition to genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and environment, consider the following possible contributing issues: 

• Increased expectations and pressure to succeed. Within our culture of achievement, today's youth may be experiencing a more intense pressure to succeed. A yearly survey by Higher Education Research asks incoming college students if they feel overwhelmed by their daily life tasks. In 2016, 41% of students said "yes" compared with 28% in 2000 and 18% in 1985. Students now begin thinking about and discussing college and career as early as the 7th grade.

• Publicized cultural violence. Our children and teens are exposed on a daily basis to news and media discussing terrorism, mass shootings, school shootings, and other disturbing information introducing them to the reality that the world can be a frightening and dangerous place at earlier ages than in generations past. Additionally, children and teens grow up doing lock down drills at school in addition to weather and fire drills.

• Social media.  Most teens are connected throughout each day to social media posts that present images and ideas promoting comparison and challenging positive self-esteem. Social media platforms are also used regularly for bullying.

• Disconnection. In the current age of technology, most families struggle to have face to face interactions often choosing instead to isolate from one another on individual screens and devices sometimes reducing much needed supportive connection at home.

• Emotional Overwhelm. With constant communication with friends at their fingertips, teens often find themselves trying to help peers manage their anxiety, depression symptoms, and social challenges resulting in increased emotional pressure.

WHAT CAN BE DONE TO HELP TEENS MANAGE THE PRESSURE?

While the statistics and pressures are very real, we know the following specific things contribute to teens having a more positive life experience:

• Connection at home. Intentional connecting within families such as meaningful conversation about daily life, family meals without screens, family game night, and one on one time with trusted adults can reduce stress and improve feelings of belonging.

• Connection at school. Positive relationships with school teachers, counselors, principals, and staff can contribute to more positive feelings about self and school experience.

• Healthy friendships. Relationships with peers that highlight individual strengths, provide mutual support, and encourage teens toward a healthy version of themselves in character and behavior largely impact teen self-worth.

• Connection in faith community. When teens connect in a faith community that aligns with their values, there is significant potential for increase in positive relationships, increased perspective of hope, and a deeper understanding of the individual’s place in the world as a greater whole.

• Counseling. As teens begin challenging family values and the parental perspective, it is very helpful to connect with a trained, trustworthy adult that can provide skilled support in reducing the stress and overwhelm common to the teen years. Strategic teen anxiety treatment, teen depression treatment and teen emotional regulation training can equip teens to confidently navigate life’s difficulties.

AS A TEEN, WHAT CAN COUNSELING DO FOR ME?

As you’re moving toward adulthood, life can sometimes feel really hard and overwhelming. You’re becoming your own person, figuring out relationships, navigating school work, and looking toward the future. At times, life can feel fun and exciting. At others, anxiety symptoms, stress, depression symptoms, and the pressures of life might leave you feeling like you don’t know quite what to do next. Counseling during your teen years can be a really helpful way to sort through confusion and to develop a deeper understanding of who you are, what you want in life, and how to get through the overwhelming times.

I come alongside you in safe, private conversations that matter to you and help you untangle stress and confusion, while helping you develop new ways of dealing with your struggles that improve your feelings of healthy control and peace. I talk with teens about healthy ways to cope with stress other than drugs/alcohol, unhealthy relationships, self-harming behavior, or being unkind to yourself.

While your parents may be suggesting you begin counseling, you are the primary decision maker about what you want to talk about in your sessions. Together, we will give your parents updates over time about your progress in counseling and how they can support you. However, the specific content of your sessions will be private so you know counseling is a safe space to talk openly and honestly about what matters to you. You decide what you want to work on in counseling, and I help you gain clarity about how to make things better.

I have seen counseling help teens:

• Move from out of control perfectionism to realistic expectations

• Move from suicidal thoughts to knowing how to manage difficult situations in healthier ways

• Move from feeling consistently anxious and overwhelmed to feeling more comfortable in their own skin

• Move from having large emotions run their life to knowing how to calm big feelings and make better decisions

• Move from feeling distrusting and disconnected from parents to feeling more positive and supported in relating to parents

• Move from choosing toxic, draining social relationships to understanding how to choose healthy, life-giving relationships

• Move from saying unkind things to themselves all day to saying/believing positive truths about themselves

• Move from a lack of sense of self to understanding who they want to be and how to make decisions consistent with values

AS A PARENT, HOW CAN YOU SUPPORT YOUR TEEN?

You love your teen deeply and you want them to be healthy and happy. It’s great and supportive that you are encouraging them to begin counseling. It’s also important for you to encourage your teen to be an involved decision maker in choosing their therapist. We know without a doubt, that your teen’s feelings of control and investment in the counseling process is a strong determiner of positive outcome in their therapy experience. Encourage them to look at websites and to bring a list of their questions to an initial consultation call or first session.

In most situations, I invite parents into some portion of the initial session to gain parental and family perspective. After that, you will get regular updates from your teen and myself together on progress in counseling and specific ways you can support your teen’s growth process. At times, it is very helpful for you to participate in family sessions with your teen to work on various issues that come up along the way.

Another way to support your teen is to ask open ended questions and to listen without judging or advice-giving. As a parent, it’s so tempting to judge and tell your teen what to do because you want the best for them. Often though, teens begin to distance and shut down if they feel judged. Open ended questions provide an opportunity for your teen to share more with you. Instead of asking, “Did you have a good day?” which is a yes/no question, try asking “How was that history test you were studying for?” or “What happened with the break up today?” Then, leave lots of space and silence for your teen to share. Sometimes they may not share. But, over time, if you continue asking, they are likely to begin sharing.

When they do share, instead of advice-giving or saying, “Why did you do that?" try validating what they shared by saying something to let them know you heard and understood what they said. And to let them know you get how they might be feeling. For example, “That fight with your best friend sounds like it was really painful and stressful today. I can see how you would feel overwhelmed by it all.” When you might normally engage in advice-giving, try saying, “What will you do about that situation?” This allows your teen to do some problem solving and to know you are working to trust them in managing their daily challenges.

Most importantly, spend face to face time with your teen doing something they enjoy. Tell them frequently how much you love them even when they aren’t doing what you want them to do. And, remind them of all the positive things you see in them regularly. All of these things will build a trusting foundation so they come to you when they need support. If you’re a parent seeking counseling for the complicated parenting journey, I would be happy to talk with you about your counseling needs as well.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 19 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Mindfulness: An Antidote to Anxiety

Do you find it difficult to enjoy today because your mind is anxious and overwhelmed about the past and future?

Mindfulness is the practice of increasing focus on the present moment instead of on the past and future. Mindfulness creates space for you to live and enjoy life with less background noise. It can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression while increasing attention, calm, and presence in your relationships. 

However, our brains naturally gravitate toward past or future, distracting us from our present experience. Past thoughts are commonly about regret leaving us feeling sad. Future thoughts are commonly about our desire to control future events leading to anxiety. In reality, we can only be in the present moment.

Most often, the present moment is not the source of stress. Rather, it’s our past or future oriented, obsessive thoughts creating anxiety. Stress results from the long to-do list for later today or the difficult conversation we are replaying from yesterday. 

The hopeful news is current neuroscience says our brains are moldable and created for change. With intentional, repetitive mindfulness practice, our brains can and will embrace more present focus. Explore these mindfulness characteristics and practices to feel calmer and more present in life.

8 Characteristics of Mindfulness:

• Notice your surroundings as you observe them through your 5 senses. "I see a red car, I hear my favorite song, I feel cool air blowing on me, I feel the smooth steering wheel, I smell my peppermint car freshener."

• Let go of trying to control what is outside your control. Accept what is happening and think about how you can bring the best version of yourself into that situation.

• Let go of judging people and circumstances as good/bad. Instead notice and accept behavior and circumstances as they are. Recognize your response does not need to be determined by others behaving well or badly.

• Notice and name feelings without allowing your feelings to determine your response. "I'm noticing that sadness is surrounding me right now and I can feel it in my throat and in my eyes." A feeling can just be a feeling when you understand and name it.

• Notice thoughts and feelings come and go like waves and usually move on if we do not grasp or avoid them.

• Participate fully in exactly what you are doing right now. Let go of ruminating and begin describing your present experience to yourself through your senses. Allow yourself to become immersed fully in the present experience.

• Tend to each thing in its own time. If while you are focusing on the present moment, you are noticing a repeated invasive thought about a future task, set aside a specific time later to give the future task your full attention. 

• Do one thing at a time. There is something relaxing about refusing to multitask.

Now that you understand some basic ideas of mindfulness, use the following steps to stay in the present when past and future thoughts try to dominate your mind.

5 Steps for Practicing Mindfulness:

1.     DESCRIBE your moment by moment actions to yourself. "I am getting out of bed, the floor is cold, I'm turning on the shower..."

1. NOTICE past/future oriented thoughts. "I am noticing that I'm thinking about my work meeting tomorrow."

2. GENTLY DISMISS past/future oriented thoughts. "Now is not the time to think about my work meeting. I will spend 30 minutes tonight preparing for my meeting. Right now, I am focusing on…"

3. RETURN to describing your moment by moment experience using your senses. "I see a blue umbrella, I smell fresh rain, I feel moisture on my skin."

4. REPEAT the process over and over knowing you are retraining your brain. At some point in the near future, you won't have to work so hard at it!

It is helpful to begin steps of mindfulness during short, specific life activities like teeth brushing, eating breakfast, and driving. After you are practiced, begin putting activities together to build hours of mindfulness. Keep in mind it takes about 21 days of repetitive practice to create a new brain habit, then additional weeks of consistency to sustain the habit. 

I encourage you to commit 21 days to developing this practice and track your progress. Visit the Journeybravely.com Resources page for your free 21 Day Mindfulness Challenge PDF plus a free PDF Mindfulness Steps & Characteristics sheet. I wish you success in showing up fully in your present life!

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Mindfulness 101

Are you finding yourself overwhelmed, irritable, and having difficulty managing life's curve balls? Maybe your brain has many tasks, fears, or disappointments running in the background preventing you from focusing on what you are doing right now. Maybe you've reflected after a day spent doing things that were supposed to be fun with your family and realized you weren't fully there because your mind was somewhere else.

Mindfulness is the practice of focusing as fully as possible on the present moment. Your brain naturally gravitates toward things from the past or things in the future, distracting you from paying attention to what's happening now. Past rumination is most commonly about past hurts or nostalgic wishes which both leave you feeling sad. Future rumination is most commonly anxiety driven, entertaining ways to control circumstances yet to come leaving you feeling powerless. The reality is that you can truly only be in the present moment and it is the moment that is most commonly neglected.

Think about it. Is it usually the present moment that is stressing you out or the thoughts running in the background while you're trying to do the present moment? In the morning, making toast and eggs isn't actually stressful if you're noticing the texture of the bread, the scent of the eggs, the color of the yolk, the sound of the toaster. The stress comes from the long to-do list you're running through your head or the conversation you're replaying from yesterday when you wished you'd thought of the excellent comeback you now have in mind.

Most of the time, the present moment is not actually that stressful when we can retrain our brains not to wander to the past and future. Easier said than done, right? I'm not going to lie. This takes repetitive mental exercise, however, your brain is wired to be remolded when you practice new habits. You are made for change. The question is, are you willing to do the work to GET WELL and LIVE WELL by pursuing presence in the current moment?

Beginning a PRACTICE OF MINDFULNESS requires that you embrace a few ideas:

• Mindfulness means NOTICING your surroundings as you observe them through your 5 senses. "I see a red car, I hear my favorite song, I feel cool air blowing on me, I feel the smooth steering wheel, I smell my peppermint car freshener."

• Mindfulness means LETTING GO of trying to CONTROL what is outside your control. Accept what is happening and think about how you can bring the best version of yourself into that situation.

• Mindfulness means LETTING GO of JUDGING people and circumstances as good/bad. Instead notice and accept behavior and circumstances as they are. Recognize that your response does not need to be determined by whether others are behaving well or badly.

• Mindfulness means NOTICING and NAMING FEELINGS without allowing your feelings to determine your response. "I'm noticing that sadness is surrounding me right now and I can feel it in my throat and in my eyes." A feeling can just be a feeling when you understand and name it.

• Mindfulness means NOTICING that thoughts and feelings come and go like waves and usually naturally move on if we do not grasp or avoid them.

• Mindfulness means PARTICIPATING fully in exactly what you are doing right now. Let go of ruminating and begin describing your present experience to yourself through your senses. "I have my hands in this warm, soapy water. It feels relaxing and the bubbles are iridescent. It smells like lemon. The sound of the water running reminds me of a creek." Allow yourself to become immersed fully in the present experience.

• Mindfulness means TENDING to each thing in it's own time. If while you are focusing on the present moment, you are noticing a repeated invasive thought about a future task, you can set aside a specific time later when you can give the future task your full attention.

• Mindfulness means DOING ONE THING AT A TIME. There is something relaxing about refusing to multitask.

Once you decide you can get on board with the ideas, begin the LIVE WELL practice of mindfulness with the following steps:

• DESCRIBE your moment by moment actions to yourself. "I am getting out of bed, the floor is cold, I'm turning on the shower..."

• NOTICE past/future oriented thoughts. "I am noticing that I'm thinking about my work meeting tomorrow."

• GENTLY DISMISS past/future oriented thoughts. "Now is not the time to think about my work meeting. I will spend 30 minutes tonight preparing for my meeting. Right now, I am focusing on....."

• RETURN to describing your moment by moment experience using your senses. "I see a blue umbrella, I smell fresh rain, I feel moisture on my skin, I hear drops of rain."

• REPEAT the process over and over knowing you are retraining your brain. And at some point in the near future, you won't have to work so hard at it!

It is most helpful to begin these steps of mindfulness during specific life activities such as teeth brushing, eating breakfast, and driving. After you build momentum in several life activities, you can begin putting your morning activities together to build hours of mindfulness. Keep in mind that it takes about 21 days to create a new habit, then additional weeks to sustain the habit.

I have found mindfulness to be an incredibly life-giving practice. I used to worry about the future throughout the day running numbers, to-dos, and planned activities through my mind. The practice of mindfulness has created a space for me to live and enjoy each day with less background noise. It has become such an ingrained habit that I now notice when the background noise returns and this is a signal to me to explore the imbalance and return to intentional mindfulness practice. Mindfulness has also significantly increased my capacity to GIVE WELL. I am more attentive, calm, and present with my family, friends, and clients without the background noise.

Mindfulness has the potential to reduce stress, decrease anxiety, improve depression symptoms, improve focus, and increase experience of daily calm. Why wouldn't you want more of that? I encourage you to take the 21 Day Mindfulness Challenge. Commit 21 days to developing this practice and track your progress along the way by journaling how you feel different.

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.