What's Your 2021 Story?

2020 is over and yet you may continue to face many of the same challenges as you enter the new year. It can be easy to feel resentfully stuck in survival mode and to view yourself as a victim of the pandemic and other major stressors of 2020. Isolation, financial challenges, racism, political change, value debates on social media, and missing the way things used to be. It’s all a lot to carry and work through as you hope for recovery and continue to walk in the mess.

Resolutions may feel trite and impossible this year as we limp along and try to hold it together. Honestly acknowledging our personal and collective discomfort and suffering is a healthy practice. However, getting stuck in bitterness and hopelessness only feeds the negative energy we are all hoping to escape. 

What if instead of writing resolutions, you were to ask yourself what you want your story to be at the end of 2021? 

While there are many circumstances in life that are often out of your control, you are in control of your behavior and choices. You get to decide how you’ll treat others, how you’ll talk to yourself, how you’ll live out your faith, how you’ll engage with your values, how you’ll take healthy risks, how you’ll respond to challenges, and how you’ll step into personal growth. These personal practices will largely shape your story this year.

What if instead of carrying the weight of victimhood from 2020, you were to step into the practice of writing all of the parts of your story that are within your power?

5 Ways to Move from Victim to Writer of Your 2021 Story:

1.     Acknowledge struggle while looking for redemption. Honestly admit to yourself when you’re experiencing grief and hardship. Feel the feelings associated with the difficulty. Watch for short and long-term ways you see suffering in your life create opportunity for growth, connection, and comforting others.

2.     Create a mental or written list of 3-5 big ideas within your control you want to be true of your story at the end of 2021. Examples: I want to have been a loving, connected parent, friend, partner. I want to have given generously from what I earned. I want to have expressed a grateful attitude regularly. I want to have faced challenges and pain with grace and dignity. I want to have spent time on things that matter most to me. I want to have said encouraging things to myself and others most of the time. I want to see progress in this specific business skill. I want to have engaged a spirit of adventure.

3.     Create a more detailed story for each of your 3-5 big ideas. Big idea: I want to have lived generously. Detailed story about living generously: I want to look back over 12 months and see that I intentionally set aside money, time, and other resources as a monthly practice rather spending all of my resources on myself. I want to see that I used those resources to give to people and causes I value. Some of the people and causes I value are my church, Caring & Sharing of South Walton, Compassion International.

4.     Take steps to make your story real. If I’m going to look back and see that I gave generously this year, I’m going to: set up auto-giving for my top 3 valued organizations, set up a specific auto-transfer savings account designated for generous giving, set up regular monthly volunteer hours.

5.     Read and edit your story as you go. Check in monthly on your story and determine if you’re living into the story you want to be true at the end of the year. Be gracious with yourself, determine where you’re struggling, and make edits when needed. For example: I planned to auto-give to 3 organizations but I had a financial change. I’m going to reduce my amounts to all 3 or I’m going to choose one organization instead.

The healthy way to engage your 2021 story is to face the circumstances outside your control with acceptance and focus on writing what you can control with hope and determination. As you move from victim to writer of your 2021 story, remember that Journey Bravely has coaching sessions available to help move your story forward. Connect with us at journeybravely.com.

Todd and Stephenie have been helping people find hope, clarity, and clear steps forward toward a meaningful life for 19 years. Todd provides life and leadership coaching for young adults and adults to assist in clarifying values, goals and generally getting unstuck from the overhwhelm of life and relationship. Stephenie provides professional counseling, specializing in emotional/relational health for teens, adults, couples, and families. Read more about how we can help you move toward the life you want here. To schedule an initial, free consultation for counseling with Stephenie call 918-221-9987 or email here. To schedule an initial, free consultation with Todd call 918-740-1232 or email here. For more general information about Journey Bravely Counseling & Coaching, look here. We look forward to connecting with you along your journey.

Our Shared Grief

What comes to mind when you hear the word grief? The last year is inviting you to see grief as the emotional experience surrounding the loss of anything or anyone important to you. Maybe you’ve lost a person, a pet, a relationship, or a home. We are experiencing loss of jobs, physical touch, in-person contact with family, the ability to visit sick loved ones, gathering in large groups to celebrate or to mourn. We are also experiencing intangible losses like feelings of certainty, control, and the way life was before COVID. 

As the struggles of the last year continue, we are invited to acknowledge our loss/pain and remember that we aren’t alone in our grief. While we all wish 2021 would bring “normal” back, we struggle to make sense of our current and ongoing challenges in a world where COVID exists.

So, what are we supposed to do with all the uncertainty, sadness, anger, and depression? 

Elizabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler, authors/social scientists, provide helpful guidance in messy, chaotic grief. The 6 Stages of Grief are not tidy categories, neat timelines or defined behavioral markers. Grief is complicated, unique to each person, and not linear. Rather, the Stages of Grief are ideas providing structure for understanding complex emotions. Stages are experienced in any order, repetitively, and you don’t have to experience every stage. There is no typical or normal grief. You can’t do it wrong. What’s important is acknowledging your loss and allowing yourself to feel.

6 Stages of Grief to help you navigate loss:

1.     Denial. Denial is the numbness/shock that occurs shortly after a loss. Your brain can’t completely process and reorient to loss, so denial helps you ease into the reality. Denial feels like your brain is tricking you into postponing acknowledgement of loss and the full onset of grief emotion is sometimes muted temporarily.

2.     Anger. Anger can be powerful and overwhelming. Let yourself feel and express anger. Losing a person, a job, or sense of normalcy are hurtful experiences. Your body uses anger to find structure and strength in the emptiness of loss. It’s ok to feel anger toward yourself, loved ones, strangers, God. Let yourself feel rather than pushing anger down.

3.     Bargaining. “If only I had left the house 15 minutes later…” “I will do anything to get things back to the way it was before so I don’t have to feel this pain.” Bargaining is your brain seeking control in the midst of out of control circumstances. It’s okay to entertain these thoughts and wonderings as a path toward accepting death, pain, and loss happen in this world outside of your control.

4.     Depression. Loss is terribly sad. It leaves you feeling empty, exhausted, withdrawn, lacking motivation, lacking a sense of purpose, and lacking mental clarity. Situational depression is common in grief and different from clinical depression that is prolonged and not related to circumstance. Don’t rush yourself or “quick fix” grief-related depression. It’s normal and over time, it decreases.

5.     Acceptance. You don’t “get over” loss. Instead, you move through it in your own time accepting the loss will always be part of you and your story. Acceptance happens as you accept the new reality of daily life in the absence of what you lost. You will still hurt at times even as you begin to experience joy again in your life in small doses. 

6.     Making Meaning. Loss cannot take from you all of the moments, lessons, and joys you carry from time before the loss. You make meaning by remembering the value and beauty in what existed before. You make meaning by bringing what was before into the present and creating meaningful moments of memory and carrying legacy forward. You make meaning by allowing loss to motivate positive action to help others through the loss you’ve experienced.

These stages will not help you skip pain, however, they can provide reassurance along the journey. Allow yourself whatever time you need to grieve. Let emotions rise to the surface even when they threaten to overwhelm you. Releasing feelings is the slow path to lessening emotional intensity and embracing the current reality of your life. As you navigate grief and other difficulties, remember that Journey Bravely has coaching sessions available to help you. Connect with us at journeybravely.com.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 19 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

You Are NOT Your Mistakes

Ever find yourself wishing you could crawl into a hole after you’ve made a mistake or failed? Or maybe your spouse or child made a poor choice and you feel ashamed? 

Shame is incredibly powerful and will invite you to keep secrets, hide, and to feel less than. Shame also encourages you to shame others to avoid dealing with your emotional pain. The helpful news is everyone fails and makes mistakes because mistakes are part of being human. Sometimes mistakes are small like missing an appointment. Other times mistakes are big, destructive, and damage opportunities and relationships. Regardless of the size, realizing you or someone you love has made a mistake can be difficult to navigate emotionally.

Mistake shame will often trick you into believing you should define yourself by your worst moments. “Only a bad person would do what I did.” “Only someone who doesn’t care about their family would do what I did.” However, creating a healthy framework for navigating mistakes and failure can transform your most difficult moments into deep opportunities for growth and flourishing. So, how do you get from failure shame to flourishing?

5 Healthy Steps for Navigating Failure and Mistakes

1.     Approach each day with humility. Remember daily you are human and likely to make mistakes. Set reasonable expectations for yourself, strive to make wise decisions and remind yourself that mistakes may happen. 

2.     Honestly identify and take responsibility for mistakes when they happen. Watch for a tendency to avoid owning mistakes and blaming others to make yourself more emotionally comfortable. It’s okay to just say, “I really messed that up. I’m human. Everyone makes mistakes. Now I’m going to take the necessary steps to make it right if possible.”

3.     Tell those involved about the mistake. Hiding failure and mistakes breeds shame and results in lies and broken trust. It’s better to tell people you messed up. Apologize when appropriate. Then determine action steps to correct the issue. “I was supposed to have my part of the project done today. I’m sorry I didn’t follow through on time. I’m going to cancel my other plans today and get my part of the project to you by the end of the day. I will also take responsibility with our boss if we turn in the project late.”

4.     Extend grace to yourself. Watch for shame messages that will invite you to judge yourself harshly. “I can’t believe you did that. You’re so irresponsible.” “No one will ever trust you because you screw up everything.” “Everyone is going to know what you did and it’s all people will remember about you.” Instead, create a gracious mantra you can repeat to yourself each time you fail or make a mistake. “I messed up. Everyone messes up because we are human. I’m a loving, responsible person. I will take responsibility and action to fix my mistake. I will learn from this going forward and become a wiser person.”

5.     Reflect on what happened to increase wisdom. After you have moved through being honest and taking responsibility for your mistake, take time to reflect on the situation. Where did you go wrong? Were there decisions you made that led up to the failure that you could change in the future? What valuable lessons did you learn from the mistake? What did you learn about yourself in the process? Is there a pattern to the mistakes you’re making? Is there deeper personal work that needs to be done so you can learn from what happened? Internalize the answers to these questions and incorporate them into daily life to avoid making the same mistakes moving forward.

Failure and mistakes are inevitable. Even the most careful, responsible people make mistakes often. Remember, mistakes do not define your identity or the identity of others. Extend grace to yourself and those around you with the healthy knowledge that your most recent failure might be the catalyst for the most significant growth of your life. 

When sorting through failure and mistakes, sometimes it helps to have professional support. Journey Bravely currently has adult, teen, and couples coaching sessions available to help you navigate life’s challenges. Connect with us at journeybravely.com.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 19 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Sorry, Not Sorry.

“I’m sorry. I was wrong. I can see that I hurt you and I shouldn’t have done that. I value our relationship. I will make every effort not to do that in the future.” Wouldn’t it be so helpful to hear that when someone hurt you? 

What we often get instead is…”I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t….” Or, “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive.” Or, “I’m sorry your feelings are hurt but the reason I did this is because you….” Or, often we get silence and are expected to move on in a relationship with no acknowledgment or resolution around the hurt.

If you’re like most humans, you appreciate and need a sincere, heartfelt apology as a part of repairing a relationship. However, it’s often easier to receive an apology than to give one. Apologizing is the humbling act of taking direct, verbal responsibility for something hurtful you’ve done to someone else. And, following up the verbal apology with a behavioral commitment to change your behavior to prevent repetitive hurt. Apologizing is a cornerstone of healthy relationship.

If apologizing is hard for you, you may have some of the following common objections to saying you’re sorry:

·      I didn’t intend to hurt anyone.

·      Parents aren’t supposed to apologize to their kids.

·      The other person hurt me too and they need to apologize first.

·      If I apologize, I’m giving away power I have in the relationship.

·      The other person deserved the hurtful thing I did.

·      I don’t do anything wrong so I don’t owe anyone an apology.

While these objections can be powerful motivations preventing apology, the cost is disconnected relationship that lacks trust and accountability. Apologizing is non-negotiable if you want honest, reciprocal, trustworthy relationship.

So, you know you need to apologize but how do you get it right?

5 Things NOT do when Apologizing:

1.     Don’t make excuses. Someone you’ve hurt is not interested in why you hurt them.

2.     Don’t lecture. If there is something you want the other person to do differently in the future of your relationship, address that issue at a separate time, not on the heels of your apology.

3.     Don’t use apology to get results. Apologize because you care and you have remorse for hurting the other person. Don’t apologize to get the other person to quickly move on from their pain, to finish a work project, or to move back to life as usual because this is more comfortable for you.

4.     Don’t insult the hurt person’s emotional experience. “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive” is not an apology. It’s an insult and indicates no responsibility for your hurtful behavior.

5.     Don’t demand forgiveness. The hurt person gets to decide how they will receive your apology. If they choose to forgive you, they get to decide that in their own time.

5 Things TO do when Apologizing:

1.     Take full responsibility for your part. Reflect on what you understand was hurtful behavior on your part. Say you’re sorry and say specifically what you did that was hurtful. “I’m sorry I stood you up for our lunch date.” Even if the other person did something hurtful to you in this situation, now is not the time to say it. Own your part and hold them accountable for their part in a separate discussion. 

2.     Validate the emotion of the hurt party. “I can see and understand that it was hurtful to you when I did not show up for lunch.”

3.     Communicate the value of the relationship. “Our friendship is important to me and my behavior did not reflect that.”

4.     Communicate and follow through on a plan for change. “I commit to doing better in the future. If I make plans with you, I will show up or let you know in advance if I have a change of plans.”

5.     Keep it simple. Apologize and leave it at that. Correcting, lecturing, or explaining your behavior will only take away from the apology.

While apologizing can be difficult at times, it’s a healthy practice that causes self-awareness, personal growth, and relational maturity. There is something freeing about admitting you are wrong sometimes and taking the steps to make things right with others. Sincere apology followed by behavioral change can be profoundly healing in any relationship. These tips can be used in marriage, friendship, parent-child relationships, work, and beyond. Connect with more emotional and relational health resources at journeybravely.com for your counseling and coaching journey.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled. 

Climbing Out of the 2020 Quicksand

There’s no way around it. 2020 has been a difficult year. Anxiety is a consistent companion. Even previously fun things like planning a vacation now require intentional thought and consideration. News, social media, conversations with friends, and every day decisions invite stress. We are walking through unprecedented circumstances with a lack of clear, reliable information for wise decision making resulting in uncertainty, insecurity, fear, and emotional exhaustion. The layers of pandemic, election year, financial strain, racial tension/reform, decisions about schooling, along with normal stressors have layered to the point of overwhelm.

Unfortunately, when overwhelmed, scared, and insecure, humans often find a false sense of comfort and certainty in blaming, shaming, judging, and dehumanizing those with different views. We begin seeing strangers, friends, and family with different beliefs as “other” or “less.” We unintentionally lose sight of grace and kindness while sliding into a sea of self-righteousness, judgement, and hate. And despite popular belief, research tells us that shaming others creates more shame and bad behavior, not transformative change.

So, how do you keep moving forward in positivity and purpose in the midst of the current cultural quicksand?

7 Ways to Keep a Positive, Purposeful Mindset in 2020

1.     Get curious about your anxiety. What are the sources of anxiety? Are there certain activities, relationships, thought patterns that are creating or feeding anxiety? Consider whether you might need some additional life boundaries that could reduce anxiety (ie. limits on news, social media consumption, relationships).

2.     Sort what you can control from what you can’t. Examples of things you can’t control: the pandemic, election year, anyone else’s behavior, others wearing masks. Examples of things you can control: your daily health practices, your right to vote, how you treat your neighbor, your exposure to news coverage, your choices about masks and schooling. Focus on using your self-control and determination for what you can control and try letting go of what you can’t control.

3.     Practice gratitude. Even in difficult times, there are good things happening. Find 5 things each day that bring you joy and acknowledge aloud your thankfulness for them.

4.     Watch for shame. Are you shaming yourself for failures or your difficulty navigating the complexities of 2020? Are you telling yourself something is wrong with you because you don’t feel your feet on solid ground at the moment? We are all struggling. No one has this figured out. When you create a shameful internal dialogue with yourself, you are more likely to shame others. Are you shaming others who hold different opinions/beliefs either in person or on social media? Remember, shaming and dehumanizing others compounds problems instead of alleviating them.

5.     Cultivate grace and kindness. When possible, give yourself and others the benefit of the doubt. Assume the best of others’ intentions and allow space for others to think and make decisions different from you. When you or others mess up, try offering compassion, grace, and kindness recognizing that we are all muddling through many complicated circumstances and decisions. Encourage others rather than tearing down.

6.     Humanize others. Remember that every person is a beloved human with a story, history, heart, and reasons for their behavior. You aren’t required to agree with everyone, but treating others with dignity and respect for their humanity promotes a world where both you and others experience a sense of being loved and valued.

7.     Step into meaningful action. While some things in life currently feel like they are happening to you. You have the daily opportunity to continue to take meaningful action in your life. Do you want to get more active? Take a walk today. Do you need more social connection? Call an old friend. Do you want to pursue social justice? Educate yourself and join a like-minded activist group. 

As we all continue to stumble and learn our way through 2020, remember that we must each take the internal journey of reflection and healing in order to make the outward journey toward health, positivity and purpose in our relationships with others and the world around us. If you find yourself wanting additional coaching and counseling support along your journey, connect with us.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Enduring Hard Things in 2020

Even if you highly value optimism, 2020 is giving you a run for your money. As we sit 6 months into the pandemic, Hurricane Sally has pummeled the Panhandle, and we all know someone impacted by Covid, fires, racial tensions, not to mention the upcoming election discussions. Exhaustion and uncertainty fatigue are very normal in these circumstances. I continue to hear stories, both locally and nationally, of people being angry, irritable, depressed, and overwhelmed. Situations that used to be mildly irritating are now feeling off the charts infuriating and disappointing. We are collectively worn down and struggling to manage emotions, to be kind to each other, and to find a continued sense of resilience.

So, what can we do to remember who we are and to be the people we want to be in the current season of uncertainty? What are the tools that inspire us not to give ourselves permission to spiral downward and give up loving our neighbors?

10 Ways to Endure & Thrive Through Hard Things:

1.     Engage self-care practices. When you sleep well, eating well, move your body, take prescribed medicine, engage personal hygiene, get out of bed at a consistent time, you communicate a sense of hope and motivation to your brain and body.

2.     Look for the positive in the midst of the negative. While being honest with yourself about the real current challenges, also daily look for and focus on the positive happening around you. Hurricanes are awful, people showing up lovingly for neighbors is beautiful.

3.     Engage your spiritual life. Remember that God is present in the midst of suffering and you are deeply loved. While difficult, try embracing the reality that some of our deepest growth as humans is born in times of suffering.

4.     Remember your values.  Values such as honesty, family, love, and kindness can be consistent guides through both the wonderful and the awful moments of life. Try listing your top 10 values to remind yourself of the anchors that drive your life and decisions daily.

5.     Focus on others. Spend a few minutes each day thinking of someone you know and engaging in kindness toward them such as a thoughtful text, a phone call, praying for them, or helping them in a practical way. Remembering others gives perspective to our personal suffering and reminds us that love lives in the hard places.

6.     Let go of what you can’t control. Sort what you can control from what you can’t. As much as possible, let go of what is outside your control. Now, try spend your energy on taking meaningful action on the things within your control. I cannot control the pandemic, however, I can control my daily routines and self-care.

7.     Engage social support. Chat with neighbors outside, call or Zoom friends, return to activities that feel safe to you with social distancing precautions. We all need other people regularly.

8.     Breathe when you’re about to lose it. Don’t give yourself permission to take your frustrations out on others at home, at work, on the road. Notice when you’re getting flustered, slow down, take 10 slow, deep breaths. Check in with yourself and take 10 more until you feel your brain calming back to the rational space.

9.     Give grace. Assume the best of other’s intentions until they prove otherwise. Be kind to yourself and others as much as possible. We are all having a hard time.

10.  Practice gratitude. Write or say aloud 5 things you are grateful for daily. It’s okay to repeat some. Be creative and try to notice new things that bring joy.

While many of these tools may seem simplistic, we often neglect practicing them regularly and wonder why we feel so negative and out of control. Take a few minutes to rate yourself on each tool using a scale of 1-10, 1 being “I’ve not been so great at this” and 10 being “I’m great at doing this daily.” Then choose 2 areas to begin focusing on consistently. 

You are certainly not alone in the struggles you may be facing as you walk through 2020. Remember that seeking support is brave and wise. Journey Bravely has coaching sessions available to help you through finding tools for balance and forward movement in these challenging times.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Can People Really Change?

 Are you worn out from navigating the current emotional climate in America? Tensions certainly abound. Mask or no mask? Reopen or slow down reopening? Support black lives or support law enforcement? Peaceful protesting or fear of looting? It’s a lot to sort and manage emotionally. 

Maybe as you’ve been quarantined, you’ve noticed something about yourself that needs to change. Maybe an important relationship isn’t as strong as you believed. Maybe racial tension has caused some reflection and personal work around racism. Entertaining the need for internal change is no small thing. Do you find yourself wondering if you or others can really change? Or are you basically stuck in the ways you’ve always thought and behaved?

The good news is your brain was created to expand its capacity and shift its focus based on what you intentionally and repetitively practice. In addition to your neurobiology, humility is required for true change. Being able to admit there are things you need to learn that only someone else can teach you opens the door wide for genuine, deep, sustained change. Everyone falls short and needs to engage in change throughout life, but how does that actually work?

10 Steps to Transformational Change:

1.     Notice the discomfort. Life events creates emotional/relational discomfort that challenges you to admit something in your life is unhealthy.

2.     Name the problem. “I’m drinking too much.” “I’m working too much.” “I’m not standing up for others like I want to.”

3.     Grieve the impact of the problem. Acknowledge and take responsibility for the hurtful impact the problem has had on yourself and others. Give heartfelt apologies and confess/receive forgiveness from God.

4.     Confront and release shame.  Notice where you are beating yourself up for the problem and recognize that shaming yourself results in feeling stuck and impedes growth and healing. Commit to move forward here and now.

5.     Cultivate curiosity about the problem. Where and how often is the problem showing up in your daily life? You may experience some overwhelm realizing the problem is more widespread than you knew. Allow yourself to be emotionally unsettled about the problem. Entertain the need for action to make a change.

6.     Educate yourself. Consume new resources, seek counseling/support to understand the origin of the problem. Learn new tools/strategies to make a change.

7.     Commit to and complete action steps for change repeatedly. Begin taking a pause each time you notice the problem and take intentional steps to implement the new positive behavior or strategy of change. You may begin by noticing and making the change after you’ve already engaged in the problem at first. That’s ok, it’s part of the process. Eventually with practice, you’ll be able to notice and implement change before the problem has occurred.

8.     Sustain change. Practice new skills for weeks, then months until you begin to notice the problem is showing up much less in your life. Eventually, the new, healthier tools and perspective will become normal. Make a life-long commitment to keep the new normal.

9.     Celebrate and enjoy freedom of change. As you see the evidence of transformation in your life, know that with commitment and attention such change can be repeated in other areas of your life.

10.  Embrace humility. Know deeply that you don’t have life figured out and there’s always something to learn. Be open to repeating this process of change as you are open to noticing more problem areas within yourself.

You can apply this process of change to many areas of your personal life including bad habits, stuck relationships, negative thoughts/beliefs and community areas of change such as pursuing justice and loving your neighbor as you love yourself. The important thing is to be a person who continues to do your personal work so you can show up as a positive contributor in your relationships, community and world. As you walk through your process of change, remember counseling or coaching can be a helpful tool. Journey Bravely would be happy to connect with you along your journey at journeybravely.com.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Another Perspective on Distancing

Social distancing has become a daily part of life…spacing out 6 feet, groups of 10 or less, wearing masks. While such practices can feel exhausting and isolating, they are designed to create a healthy sense of boundary between you and others for the sake of collective well-being. As you imagine when and how life will return to “normal,” you can apply the lessons of physical boundaries through COVID-19 to improve your emotional boundaries, as well. 

Emotional boundaries are the structures you place in your relationships to let others know how you will and will not allow yourself to be treated. You set boundaries when you say yes or no, when you tell other people what you appreciate about how they are treating you and what has hurt you, when you decide how much time and energy you will invest, and when you choose to reduce your exposure to or end a relationship when you feel disrespected.

Relationship without boundaries results in you feeling exhausted, unappreciated, unseen, and taken advantage of. Lacking boundaries also results in attracting unhealthy, takers into your life repeatedly. So, how do you begin to create basic, healthy boundaries in your relationships?

6 Ways to Begin Healthy Boundaries:

1.     Identify 5 relationship deal breakers. What are 5 things that must be present for a relationship to be healthy for you? For example: honesty, mutual respect, kindness, authenticity, meaningful apologies. Choose according to your most important values. Notice in both your existing and new relationships whether your deal breakers are present. If they aren’t, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

2.     Give yourself permission to say no. Healthy relationship respects your no. Often, you will want to say yes in your relationships. However, it is not selfish to say no when you want or need to do so. It is healthy to say no when you sense another person consistently expecting more from you than you feel is healthy. If someone is guilting, shaming, or punishing you when you say no, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

3.     Decide how much time you will invest. You have many things to balance in life and limited time to give to any given relationship. You decide how much time feels healthy and respectful to give each relationship. For one relationship it might be an hour per week vs. an hour per day for another. If someone is consistently demanding more time than you believe is healthy to invest, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

4.     Give and expect reciprocity in relationship. Reciprocity means both people are both consistently giving and receiving in the relationship. There may be seasons where you are giving more or receiving more, but the overall tone of a healthy relationship is reciprocal. If you are consistently giving in a relationship and rarely receiving, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

5.     Say what you need and want. It is healthy for you to speak plainly about what is working for you and what is not. No one can read your mind no matter how long the relationship. If you don’t tell people what leaves you feeling valued or hurt, others won’t know how to be healthy in relationship with you. If someone continues hurtful behavior without improvement after it’s been addressed, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

6.     Give yourself permission to end unhealthy relationships. Sometimes relationships are unhealthy and do not improve. You can care about someone and at the same time acknowledge the relationship is not healthy for you. It is not mean or selfish to end relationships when you have been clear about what is not working and it continues to happen.

Thinking about boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first, but in the long run, creates healthy evaluation and adjustment in your relationships resulting in the life-giving connection you want and need in your life. As you are working through boundaries and other common life struggles, remember that counselors are providing online services throughout the pandemic and accepting new clients including Journey Bravely.

 Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Surviving Groundhog's Day

Do you find yourself struggling through Groundhog’s Day Syndrome in the midst of COVID-19? Each day you wake up and it’s another home day surrounded by the same people. This week, I wasn’t sure what day it was, what I had accomplished in the past 4 days, or what I needed to do that day. It was uncomfortable and disorienting. Most days in the midst of quarantine look and feel similar without the common structures that separate weekdays from weekends, work days from home days, school days from family days. Your brain doesn’t quite know how to make sense of these new life rhythms or lack thereof.

In addition to lack of rhythms, it’s very difficult to get your bearings when you have no idea how long the pandemic will last or what life is going to look like for the next many months and years following these events. It brings up feelings of anxiety, stress, overwhelm, and the necessary but very uncomfortable acknowledgement that you are out of control of many things surrounding the pandemic.

Though your traditional ways of making daily meaning in life are being challenged, you are still wired to seek a sense of purpose, value, and connection. And, though you have a significant lack of control over the pandemic circumstances, your brain will continue to encourage you to engage self-control to sustain some personal health and balance in the midst of cultural chaos. So, what can you do to combat the Groundhog’s Day pull into a numbed out, stressed out existence?

5 Ways to Survive Groundhog’s Day Syndrome

1.     Create daily anchors. Your brain makes sense of your daily rhythms by recognizing the difference between what you do on any given day of the week. For example: On Monday, I do laundry; On Tuesday, I go to the store; On Saturday, I go on a nature walk; On Sunday, I watch a church podcast. Find one activity to do on the same day each week. This will help your brain begin to differentiate Monday from Saturday.

2.     Create two tasks for the day. At the end of each day, take 2 minutes to reflect on what you would like to accomplish the following day to feel a sense of forward movement in your life. Write down the two things and do them the next day. For example: Tomorrow I will pay the electric bill and clean the bathroom.

3.     Reach for gratitude. Choose one thing you are thankful for each day. Though the pandemic is very stressful, it has created some opportunities for slowing down, spending more time with family, remembering to pray for others, taking more walks, taking time for personal reflection, considering how you can help others, etc. 

4.     Keep consistent self-care routines. It’s easy when you aren’t leaving the house to skip the shower, teeth-brushing, getting dressed activities of the day. Though, most of us have given up on makeup and fashion, keeping up with your basic daily hygiene practices communicates a sense of personal value to yourself. 

5.     Sunday check in. Take 5 minutes to check in with yourself each week. Ask yourself, “How am I doing emotionally this week?” “Have I connected with a friend this week?” “Have I gotten outdoors this week?” “Do I need to ask for support from someone?” “Do I need to make any adjustments in the coming week to feel more grounded and positive?”

Nothing about COVID-19 is simple. It is creating chaos, grief, and the daily uncomfortable sense of unknown. If you can, release what you cannot control, and engage your energy in using self-control in small, targeted areas in your daily life to guide you toward a greater sense of peace in the midst of the struggle. 

Remember, there is wisdom in asking for additional support from family, friends, or a counselor as you navigate the pandemic along with other stresses you may be experiencing. Many counselors are providing online sessions during quarantine including Journey Bravely Counseling.

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Self Care During Coronavirus Pandemic

The COVID-19 Pandemic has hit hard and now you’re trying to figure out how to stay home, homeschool kids, work from home, figure out getting groceries without being exposed, cook more meals…and that doesn’t even cover the emotional turmoil created daily by the rising diagnosis/death tolls and constant news coverage. All of these changes are occurring at the same time and it’s natural for your brain to feel overwhelmed, confused, and forgetful.

You may be focused primarily on taking care of others in your life, however, self care is very important right now to help your brain find the balance it needs to develop it’s new routine and rhythm. Self care is not selfish. In fact, one of the most helpful and loving things you can do to make yourself healthy and available to help those you love is to incorporate some self care into your daily life. Constant stress increases your Cortisol levels, contributes to lower immune system, and puts you at higher risk for unhealth. Taking as little as 10 minutes a day to do something calming and loving toward yourself can make a significant difference in your mental and physical health.

What Is Self Care?

Self care is any activity that creates a sense of calm, rest, relaxation and kindness toward yourself. The goal is to remember that while others are important, so are you. The purpose of self care is to get a physical and mental break from the constant busyness and stress associated with transition and crisis. There are many forms of self care that vary widely based on the personality and enjoyment of the individual. Some common examples are:

• Getting enough sleep

• Eating healthy foods

• Exercise

• Prayer/Meditation

• Reading

• Sports

• Talking to a friend

• Journaling

• Creative writing

• Playing video games

• Taking a bath

• Doing your nails

• Being outdoors

• Dancing

• Singing

• Jumping on the trampoline

• Art

• Cleaning

• Swimming

• Riding a bike

• Baking

• Decorating

• Holding your pet

• Deep breathing

• Diffusing/applying essential oils

• Organizing

The best way to make sure self care happens is to be realistic with your expectations, set aside specific time, and let your loved ones know you are taking your self care time and ask them to respect that time. It may also be helpful right now to create some boundaries around when work and school are happening daily so you can identify non-work time to schedule your self care activities.

As you consider your self care time, remember that others in your home need self care too. Consider asking them what they will do for self care and when they will set aside time so you can support their efforts to maintain their emotional health, too. Once you get a self care routine going during the pandemic, maybe you will find it easier to incorporate self care when the pandemic ends and you return to work, school, and other activities outside the home.

If you’re struggling with the pandemic or something else and are wanting to connect for online counseling, Journey Bravely is here to help you get started with online counseling this week. Call 918-221-9987 for your free 15 minute consultation call or if you’re ready to schedule your initial online counseling session, connect to our client portal to schedule now here.

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.