Can People Really Change?

 Are you worn out from navigating the current emotional climate in America? Tensions certainly abound. Mask or no mask? Reopen or slow down reopening? Support black lives or support law enforcement? Peaceful protesting or fear of looting? It’s a lot to sort and manage emotionally. 

Maybe as you’ve been quarantined, you’ve noticed something about yourself that needs to change. Maybe an important relationship isn’t as strong as you believed. Maybe racial tension has caused some reflection and personal work around racism. Entertaining the need for internal change is no small thing. Do you find yourself wondering if you or others can really change? Or are you basically stuck in the ways you’ve always thought and behaved?

The good news is your brain was created to expand its capacity and shift its focus based on what you intentionally and repetitively practice. In addition to your neurobiology, humility is required for true change. Being able to admit there are things you need to learn that only someone else can teach you opens the door wide for genuine, deep, sustained change. Everyone falls short and needs to engage in change throughout life, but how does that actually work?

10 Steps to Transformational Change:

1.     Notice the discomfort. Life events creates emotional/relational discomfort that challenges you to admit something in your life is unhealthy.

2.     Name the problem. “I’m drinking too much.” “I’m working too much.” “I’m not standing up for others like I want to.”

3.     Grieve the impact of the problem. Acknowledge and take responsibility for the hurtful impact the problem has had on yourself and others. Give heartfelt apologies and confess/receive forgiveness from God.

4.     Confront and release shame.  Notice where you are beating yourself up for the problem and recognize that shaming yourself results in feeling stuck and impedes growth and healing. Commit to move forward here and now.

5.     Cultivate curiosity about the problem. Where and how often is the problem showing up in your daily life? You may experience some overwhelm realizing the problem is more widespread than you knew. Allow yourself to be emotionally unsettled about the problem. Entertain the need for action to make a change.

6.     Educate yourself. Consume new resources, seek counseling/support to understand the origin of the problem. Learn new tools/strategies to make a change.

7.     Commit to and complete action steps for change repeatedly. Begin taking a pause each time you notice the problem and take intentional steps to implement the new positive behavior or strategy of change. You may begin by noticing and making the change after you’ve already engaged in the problem at first. That’s ok, it’s part of the process. Eventually with practice, you’ll be able to notice and implement change before the problem has occurred.

8.     Sustain change. Practice new skills for weeks, then months until you begin to notice the problem is showing up much less in your life. Eventually, the new, healthier tools and perspective will become normal. Make a life-long commitment to keep the new normal.

9.     Celebrate and enjoy freedom of change. As you see the evidence of transformation in your life, know that with commitment and attention such change can be repeated in other areas of your life.

10.  Embrace humility. Know deeply that you don’t have life figured out and there’s always something to learn. Be open to repeating this process of change as you are open to noticing more problem areas within yourself.

You can apply this process of change to many areas of your personal life including bad habits, stuck relationships, negative thoughts/beliefs and community areas of change such as pursuing justice and loving your neighbor as you love yourself. The important thing is to be a person who continues to do your personal work so you can show up as a positive contributor in your relationships, community and world. As you walk through your process of change, remember counseling or coaching can be a helpful tool. Journey Bravely would be happy to connect with you along your journey at journeybravely.com.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Another Perspective on Distancing

Social distancing has become a daily part of life…spacing out 6 feet, groups of 10 or less, wearing masks. While such practices can feel exhausting and isolating, they are designed to create a healthy sense of boundary between you and others for the sake of collective well-being. As you imagine when and how life will return to “normal,” you can apply the lessons of physical boundaries through COVID-19 to improve your emotional boundaries, as well. 

Emotional boundaries are the structures you place in your relationships to let others know how you will and will not allow yourself to be treated. You set boundaries when you say yes or no, when you tell other people what you appreciate about how they are treating you and what has hurt you, when you decide how much time and energy you will invest, and when you choose to reduce your exposure to or end a relationship when you feel disrespected.

Relationship without boundaries results in you feeling exhausted, unappreciated, unseen, and taken advantage of. Lacking boundaries also results in attracting unhealthy, takers into your life repeatedly. So, how do you begin to create basic, healthy boundaries in your relationships?

6 Ways to Begin Healthy Boundaries:

1.     Identify 5 relationship deal breakers. What are 5 things that must be present for a relationship to be healthy for you? For example: honesty, mutual respect, kindness, authenticity, meaningful apologies. Choose according to your most important values. Notice in both your existing and new relationships whether your deal breakers are present. If they aren’t, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

2.     Give yourself permission to say no. Healthy relationship respects your no. Often, you will want to say yes in your relationships. However, it is not selfish to say no when you want or need to do so. It is healthy to say no when you sense another person consistently expecting more from you than you feel is healthy. If someone is guilting, shaming, or punishing you when you say no, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

3.     Decide how much time you will invest. You have many things to balance in life and limited time to give to any given relationship. You decide how much time feels healthy and respectful to give each relationship. For one relationship it might be an hour per week vs. an hour per day for another. If someone is consistently demanding more time than you believe is healthy to invest, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

4.     Give and expect reciprocity in relationship. Reciprocity means both people are both consistently giving and receiving in the relationship. There may be seasons where you are giving more or receiving more, but the overall tone of a healthy relationship is reciprocal. If you are consistently giving in a relationship and rarely receiving, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

5.     Say what you need and want. It is healthy for you to speak plainly about what is working for you and what is not. No one can read your mind no matter how long the relationship. If you don’t tell people what leaves you feeling valued or hurt, others won’t know how to be healthy in relationship with you. If someone continues hurtful behavior without improvement after it’s been addressed, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

6.     Give yourself permission to end unhealthy relationships. Sometimes relationships are unhealthy and do not improve. You can care about someone and at the same time acknowledge the relationship is not healthy for you. It is not mean or selfish to end relationships when you have been clear about what is not working and it continues to happen.

Thinking about boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first, but in the long run, creates healthy evaluation and adjustment in your relationships resulting in the life-giving connection you want and need in your life. As you are working through boundaries and other common life struggles, remember that counselors are providing online services throughout the pandemic and accepting new clients including Journey Bravely.

 Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Surviving Groundhog's Day

Do you find yourself struggling through Groundhog’s Day Syndrome in the midst of COVID-19? Each day you wake up and it’s another home day surrounded by the same people. This week, I wasn’t sure what day it was, what I had accomplished in the past 4 days, or what I needed to do that day. It was uncomfortable and disorienting. Most days in the midst of quarantine look and feel similar without the common structures that separate weekdays from weekends, work days from home days, school days from family days. Your brain doesn’t quite know how to make sense of these new life rhythms or lack thereof.

In addition to lack of rhythms, it’s very difficult to get your bearings when you have no idea how long the pandemic will last or what life is going to look like for the next many months and years following these events. It brings up feelings of anxiety, stress, overwhelm, and the necessary but very uncomfortable acknowledgement that you are out of control of many things surrounding the pandemic.

Though your traditional ways of making daily meaning in life are being challenged, you are still wired to seek a sense of purpose, value, and connection. And, though you have a significant lack of control over the pandemic circumstances, your brain will continue to encourage you to engage self-control to sustain some personal health and balance in the midst of cultural chaos. So, what can you do to combat the Groundhog’s Day pull into a numbed out, stressed out existence?

5 Ways to Survive Groundhog’s Day Syndrome

1.     Create daily anchors. Your brain makes sense of your daily rhythms by recognizing the difference between what you do on any given day of the week. For example: On Monday, I do laundry; On Tuesday, I go to the store; On Saturday, I go on a nature walk; On Sunday, I watch a church podcast. Find one activity to do on the same day each week. This will help your brain begin to differentiate Monday from Saturday.

2.     Create two tasks for the day. At the end of each day, take 2 minutes to reflect on what you would like to accomplish the following day to feel a sense of forward movement in your life. Write down the two things and do them the next day. For example: Tomorrow I will pay the electric bill and clean the bathroom.

3.     Reach for gratitude. Choose one thing you are thankful for each day. Though the pandemic is very stressful, it has created some opportunities for slowing down, spending more time with family, remembering to pray for others, taking more walks, taking time for personal reflection, considering how you can help others, etc. 

4.     Keep consistent self-care routines. It’s easy when you aren’t leaving the house to skip the shower, teeth-brushing, getting dressed activities of the day. Though, most of us have given up on makeup and fashion, keeping up with your basic daily hygiene practices communicates a sense of personal value to yourself. 

5.     Sunday check in. Take 5 minutes to check in with yourself each week. Ask yourself, “How am I doing emotionally this week?” “Have I connected with a friend this week?” “Have I gotten outdoors this week?” “Do I need to ask for support from someone?” “Do I need to make any adjustments in the coming week to feel more grounded and positive?”

Nothing about COVID-19 is simple. It is creating chaos, grief, and the daily uncomfortable sense of unknown. If you can, release what you cannot control, and engage your energy in using self-control in small, targeted areas in your daily life to guide you toward a greater sense of peace in the midst of the struggle. 

Remember, there is wisdom in asking for additional support from family, friends, or a counselor as you navigate the pandemic along with other stresses you may be experiencing. Many counselors are providing online sessions during quarantine including Journey Bravely Counseling.

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Self Care During Coronavirus Pandemic

The COVID-19 Pandemic has hit hard and now you’re trying to figure out how to stay home, homeschool kids, work from home, figure out getting groceries without being exposed, cook more meals…and that doesn’t even cover the emotional turmoil created daily by the rising diagnosis/death tolls and constant news coverage. All of these changes are occurring at the same time and it’s natural for your brain to feel overwhelmed, confused, and forgetful.

You may be focused primarily on taking care of others in your life, however, self care is very important right now to help your brain find the balance it needs to develop it’s new routine and rhythm. Self care is not selfish. In fact, one of the most helpful and loving things you can do to make yourself healthy and available to help those you love is to incorporate some self care into your daily life. Constant stress increases your Cortisol levels, contributes to lower immune system, and puts you at higher risk for unhealth. Taking as little as 10 minutes a day to do something calming and loving toward yourself can make a significant difference in your mental and physical health.

What Is Self Care?

Self care is any activity that creates a sense of calm, rest, relaxation and kindness toward yourself. The goal is to remember that while others are important, so are you. The purpose of self care is to get a physical and mental break from the constant busyness and stress associated with transition and crisis. There are many forms of self care that vary widely based on the personality and enjoyment of the individual. Some common examples are:

• Getting enough sleep

• Eating healthy foods

• Exercise

• Prayer/Meditation

• Reading

• Sports

• Talking to a friend

• Journaling

• Creative writing

• Playing video games

• Taking a bath

• Doing your nails

• Being outdoors

• Dancing

• Singing

• Jumping on the trampoline

• Art

• Cleaning

• Swimming

• Riding a bike

• Baking

• Decorating

• Holding your pet

• Deep breathing

• Diffusing/applying essential oils

• Organizing

The best way to make sure self care happens is to be realistic with your expectations, set aside specific time, and let your loved ones know you are taking your self care time and ask them to respect that time. It may also be helpful right now to create some boundaries around when work and school are happening daily so you can identify non-work time to schedule your self care activities.

As you consider your self care time, remember that others in your home need self care too. Consider asking them what they will do for self care and when they will set aside time so you can support their efforts to maintain their emotional health, too. Once you get a self care routine going during the pandemic, maybe you will find it easier to incorporate self care when the pandemic ends and you return to work, school, and other activities outside the home.

If you’re struggling with the pandemic or something else and are wanting to connect for online counseling, Journey Bravely is here to help you get started with online counseling this week. Call 918-221-9987 for your free 15 minute consultation call or if you’re ready to schedule your initial online counseling session, connect to our client portal to schedule now here.

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Pandemic Anger, Sadness, Fear....Or Is It All Grief?

We are all feeling emotionally disoriented as we walk through this unprecedented pandemic experience. Maybe you find yourself reading news and feeling fearful and anxious. Maybe you feel annoyed and angry every time another restriction is placed on your community. Maybe you’re sad that your special trip, Prom, graduation, or wedding has been postponed or cancelled after months of hoping and planning. Maybe you’re feeling devastated because you cannot comfort someone you love who has COVID-19 or you haven’t been able to attend a funeral in person. Maybe you’re facing a positive diagnosis yourself.

So much is happening around us that is very much out of our control and the way we understood life before the pandemic has been taken from us. This whole experience is an emotional roller coaster. Some of us are irritable, some claustrophobic, some controlling, some numbing out, some seeking perfection in isolating, some exhausted, some tackling home projects, some trying obsessively to be positive. But, at the heart of it, all of these emotional responses are forms of grief. We are all in the midst of some form of loss. Loss of freedom, loss of physical connection, loss of comfort, loss of hope, loss of person, loss of job, loss of income.

Our grief shows itself in our confusion, our big emotions, and in our stress behaviors. It’s tempting to be avoidant of our feelings because they are uncomfortable, rapidly cycling, and difficult to manage. But, pushing down feelings is counterproductive, keeps you stuck, and does not move you to the other side where you can find acceptance and peace. And, people who stuff emotion, often are at higher risk for forms of anxiety, depression, chronic pain, migraines, and stomach problems.

So, we’re all grieving and our emotions feel out of control….so now what?

When we experience various forms of grief, the healthiest thing we can do is CREATE SPACE TO FEEL OUR EMOTIONS. Don’t swallow feelings, push them aside, or avoid them. Instead try the following:

• Let the feeling rise like a wave. Let it surface and give it space to exist.

• Be mindful not to immediately launch into avoidance or fixing strategies.

• Say to yourself, “I feel sad, mad, overwhelmed, scared…..”

• Validate your feeling, “This situation is weird and hard, it makes sense that I’m overwhelmed.”

• Remind yourself that the feeling is temporary, “I’m not always going to feel this overwhelmed.”

• Take deep breaths while you sit with the feeling.

• Give yourself permission to surrender the feeling to God and ride the wave knowing it will move on soon.

• Give your emotion a way to escape your body such as crying, running, drawing, singing, talking it out.

• Give yourself permission to ask for help and support when you need it.

Giving space to your grief helps you feel better and helps you prevent the unhealth that comes with emotional stuffing and avoidance. You are most certainly not alone in your struggle. This may be the time to begin some online counseling to get additional support in working through the high intensity emotions you’re experiencing. Journey Bravely is currently accepting new clients and providing professional online counseling, also known as online therapy, telemental health, Telehealth, and distance counseling to support those living in Oklahoma and Florida through this difficult time. We look forward to connecting with you.

If you’re struggling with the pandemic or something else and are wanting to connect for online counseling, Journey Bravely is here to help you get started with online counseling this week. Call 918-221-9987 for your free 15 minute consultation call or if you’re ready to schedule your initial online counseling session, connect to our client portal to schedule now here.

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Online Counseling During the Pandemic

The world feels like it’s turned upside down in the last few weeks. All the things you’re used to doing outside your home have been redefined. Maybe you’re struggling feeling like you started to feel some progress or momentum in some area of your life and then the pandemic hit, effectively locking you in your home and making motivation and emotional balance incredibly difficult. We are all walking through this strange, unprecedented pandemic experience together and it’s creating fear, grief, anxiety, and stress. And on top of that, many of the ways you previously coped with stress are not available like the gym, coffee with a friend, going to work, or going to the beach. As a result, you might be feeling trapped, defeated, overwhelmed, and lacking in options to start feeling better.

Professional counseling is a helpful way to begin sorting out emotion, improving coping skills, and finding some new perspective on existing thought patterns and life struggles. While sitting face to face with a therapist is a great, helpful experience, currently we are all pretty much limited to home. So what now?

Online counseling is a great option if you own a laptop or a smartphone. Online Counseling, also known as Telemental Health, Telehealth, Distance Counseling, and Online Therapy is receiving counseling in your home over the internet in a face to face, online format. Getting started is easy and due to Coronavirus, the federal government has declared FaceTime and Skype as helpful, legal Telehealth options which means you may not even have to adapt to a new electronic face to face platform. You can continue or start receiving high quality counseling at home without much stress or hassle.

Online Counseling works for individuals, couples, families, adults, teens, and kids. You can address anxiety, depression, stress, marital issues, family dynamics, divorce, parenting struggles, teen anxiety, teen depression, and other struggles you would address in traditional in office therapy.

Reasons to Use Online Counseling During the Pandemic:

• Your mental health is a priority. Taking care of yourself during this stressful time is important and matters for your quality of life and for the quality of life of your family.

• The Pandemic is causing a rise in anxiety, depression, and overall stress. You aren’t alone. Many people are experiencing an increase in symptoms of stress, anxiety, depression, and other life impairing mental health struggles.

• Online counseling is convenient and time efficient. You no longer have to drive to sessions and you can literally receive counseling in your pajamas.

• Online counseling is professional and high-quality. Online counseling is the same counseling service provided by a licensed, professional therapist you would receive in an office setting but from your home.

• Your problems don’t stop. As much as you wish they would, your struggles and problems are still present and impacting life in the midst of the pandemic. Individual and relationship struggles may eventually begin to feel even more difficult in the face of added stress.

• Technology is your friend. We are all having to learn new ways to connect with friends and family in the face of being home more. Participating in online counseling can be an addition to FaceTime or Zoom you are already doing. Or, online counseling might help you to become more comfortable using technology to connect with friends and family.

As you are feeling your way through the ups and downs of the many changes you are facing, keep in mind that online counseling is available to you along your journey. We are truly all in this together. Extend grace to yourself and others. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help.

If you’re struggling with the pandemic or something else and are wanting to connect for online counseling, Journey Bravely is here to help you get started with online counseling this week.Call 918-221-9987 for your free 15 minute consultation call or if you’re ready to schedule your initial online counseling session, connect to our client portal to schedule now here.

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Coping Through Coronavirus

A few short weeks ago, I woke up, took a beach walk, got the kids off to school, went to work to counsel people in person, and stopped on the way to a baseball game to pick up a few things from the store including toilet paper and lunchmeat. This week, I woke up, the beach is closed, the kids are doing school at home, all counseling sessions are online, no baseball games, and walking the empty toilet paper and lunchmeat aisles at the store sparks anxiety. Most things that felt normal and gave daily structure to life a few weeks ago are now completely different. 

Experiencing so much change at one time in the daily infrastructure of our lives is disorienting and overwhelming. You aren’t alone if you’re experiencing brain fog, forgetfulness, exhaustion, depression, irritability, fear, anxiety, anger and grief. It is overwhelming to the brain to have so many life anchors cut loose simultaneously. Your brain has shifted from doing everyday tasks automatically to having to intentionally think through things that were simple a few weeks ago. Any room your brain had to give to higher level thinking about your goals, dreams, relationships, and life satisfaction has been overrun by crisis mode focused on basic needs and survival.

The good news in the midst of our current difficulty is your brain is created to change and adapt. Your brain will embrace a new version of normalcy after about 3-4 weeks if you engage in some repetitive daily practices that help you feel normal even in the midst of very abnormal circumstances. 

5 Ways to Stay Mentally Healthy During Coronavirus: 

1.     Be intentional about your sleep, nutrition, exercise, social connection, spiritual support, and medication regimen.Make intentional, reasonable efforts to take care of yourself in these areas while also being mindful to lower your expectations of yourself and others. 

2.     Adopt 5 daily practices to keep you grounded in a sense of purpose and connection to others.  Personalize your 5 practices to what helps you feel normal, hopeful, and a sense of accomplishment each day. My 5 daily practices include: laying eyes on the ocean, walking outdoors, listening to hopeful/spiritual podcast or sermon, send an encouraging message to a friend/family member, and naming 10 gratitude items.  Make a meaningful effort to engage your 5 practices daily, giving grace to yourself when you aren’t able to make it happen

3.     Connect socially. Whether by phone, text, Facetime, Facebook, Zoom, Marco Polo or talking to your neighbors from across the yard, find a way to communicate with others. Talking with others reminds us that we aren’t alone in the current struggle and serves as mutual encouragement that we can survive the challenges we are facing. Don’t hesitate to share struggles with a trusted friend.

4.     Engage in Self-Care. Find time each week to do something that feels calming and soul nurturing. Take a bath, read a book, watch your favorite show, call a friend, get outdoors, hold your pet, etc. Your brain and body need a break from your higher stress level. 

5.     Limit News Consumption. While we need to be wise and informed, there is wisdom in determining an amount of trustworthy news that feels informative and helpful for the day vs. falling into a black hole of fear mongering and confusion. 

As we are navigating this new, socially distant, stressful world together, don’t hesitate to seek extra mental health support. Many therapists are accepting new clients and providing online counseling sessions to accommodate increased mental health needs in the community including Journey Bravely. 

If you’re struggling with the pandemic or something else and are wanting to connect for online counseling, Journey Bravely is here to help you get started with online counseling this week. Call 918-221-9987 for your free 15 minute consultation call or if you’re ready to schedule your initial online counseling session, connect to our client portal to schedule now here.

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Mindfulness: An Antidote to Anxiety

Do you find it difficult to enjoy today because your mind is anxious and overwhelmed about the past and future?

Mindfulness is the practice of increasing focus on the present moment instead of on the past and future. Mindfulness creates space for you to live and enjoy life with less background noise. It can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression while increasing attention, calm, and presence in your relationships. 

However, our brains naturally gravitate toward past or future, distracting us from our present experience. Past thoughts are commonly about regret leaving us feeling sad. Future thoughts are commonly about our desire to control future events leading to anxiety. In reality, we can only be in the present moment.

Most often, the present moment is not the source of stress. Rather, it’s our past or future oriented, obsessive thoughts creating anxiety. Stress results from the long to-do list for later today or the difficult conversation we are replaying from yesterday. 

The hopeful news is current neuroscience says our brains are moldable and created for change. With intentional, repetitive mindfulness practice, our brains can and will embrace more present focus. Explore these mindfulness characteristics and practices to feel calmer and more present in life.

8 Characteristics of Mindfulness:

• Notice your surroundings as you observe them through your 5 senses. "I see a red car, I hear my favorite song, I feel cool air blowing on me, I feel the smooth steering wheel, I smell my peppermint car freshener."

• Let go of trying to control what is outside your control. Accept what is happening and think about how you can bring the best version of yourself into that situation.

• Let go of judging people and circumstances as good/bad. Instead notice and accept behavior and circumstances as they are. Recognize your response does not need to be determined by others behaving well or badly.

• Notice and name feelings without allowing your feelings to determine your response. "I'm noticing that sadness is surrounding me right now and I can feel it in my throat and in my eyes." A feeling can just be a feeling when you understand and name it.

• Notice thoughts and feelings come and go like waves and usually move on if we do not grasp or avoid them.

• Participate fully in exactly what you are doing right now. Let go of ruminating and begin describing your present experience to yourself through your senses. Allow yourself to become immersed fully in the present experience.

• Tend to each thing in its own time. If while you are focusing on the present moment, you are noticing a repeated invasive thought about a future task, set aside a specific time later to give the future task your full attention. 

• Do one thing at a time. There is something relaxing about refusing to multitask.

Now that you understand some basic ideas of mindfulness, use the following steps to stay in the present when past and future thoughts try to dominate your mind.

5 Steps for Practicing Mindfulness:

1.     DESCRIBE your moment by moment actions to yourself. "I am getting out of bed, the floor is cold, I'm turning on the shower..."

1. NOTICE past/future oriented thoughts. "I am noticing that I'm thinking about my work meeting tomorrow."

2. GENTLY DISMISS past/future oriented thoughts. "Now is not the time to think about my work meeting. I will spend 30 minutes tonight preparing for my meeting. Right now, I am focusing on…"

3. RETURN to describing your moment by moment experience using your senses. "I see a blue umbrella, I smell fresh rain, I feel moisture on my skin."

4. REPEAT the process over and over knowing you are retraining your brain. At some point in the near future, you won't have to work so hard at it!

It is helpful to begin steps of mindfulness during short, specific life activities like teeth brushing, eating breakfast, and driving. After you are practiced, begin putting activities together to build hours of mindfulness. Keep in mind it takes about 21 days of repetitive practice to create a new brain habit, then additional weeks of consistency to sustain the habit. 

I encourage you to commit 21 days to developing this practice and track your progress. Visit the Journeybravely.com Resources page for your free 21 Day Mindfulness Challenge PDF plus a free PDF Mindfulness Steps & Characteristics sheet. I wish you success in showing up fully in your present life!

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Ditch Resolutions for Life-Giving Activities

Tired of making resolutions and experiencing a sense of failure by the end of January? It’s easy to make self-disciplined plans in December until January hits and you’re back to eating out, skipping the gym, staying up late, procrastinating and spending energy taking care of everyone but you. What are you supposed to do when the resolutions have fallen flat and you still desire some healthy direction for the remaining 11 months?

Instead of setting idealistic, unrealistic resolutions that tend to be all or nothing oriented, consider creating a Life-Giving Activities List to provide your daily and weekly life with some flexible, commitment-oriented direction. Life-giving activities are disciplines or practices that when done consistently, move your life toward living out your values with meaning and balance. Life-giving activities are measured over the long term of weeks and months rather than days and allow for extending yourself grace when you’ve missed the mark on any given day or week. They provide a barometer of sorts to check in on your level of health in various areas of life and provide a guide for making needed adjustments as you go throughout the year. While resolutions are meant to serve us, we often end up feeling enslaved to them. Life-giving activities serve your desired personal growth rather than you serving them.

5 Ways to Create and Use Your Life-Giving Activities List

1.     Consider areas of focus and determine where growth is desired. Areas of focus to consider include physical health, emotional health, spiritual health, and relational health. Questions you might consider to help you evaluate these areas of focus include:  How am I caring for my body? How is my sleep? How are my relationships? How is my stress level? In what areas of life do I want to see growth? 

2.     In your own words, choose 5-10 areas of focus that will create the main items on your Life-Giving Activity List. For example, my areas of focus include: Connect with God, Connect with Family, Eat Intuitively, Sleep Well, Have Fun, Meaningful Work, Move My Body, Personal Development, Engage Hobbies/Creativity, Be Generous.

3.     Choose up to 5 life-giving activity options for each area of focus that bring balance and joy to life. Choose activities you know or suspect will promote your desired growth in each area of focus. You do not need to complete all of the activities each week but instead, choose one or more activities from your list weekly to help you grow in each area of focus. On my list, under Connect with Family my activities include family table dinners, family game night, movie night, date night. Under Connect with God, my activities include prayer walks on the beach, participate in worship community, participate in small group, spiritual reading/podcasts. 

4.     Post your Life-Giving Activities List in an easily accessible location. Put the list in your phone notes and consider posting a hard copy in your home. I like posting my list on the bathroom mirror where I see it throughout the day.

5.     Create a consistent weekly time to use your Life-Giving Activities List for a personal growth check-in. Set aside 10 or more minutes to reflect on the prior week. Notice how many of your 5-10 areas of focus you engaged over the past week. Notice which areas you might be avoiding and consider why. Notice which activities have brought you the most joy and meaning. Notice if you felt a sense of healthy, balance or a sense of exhaustion and chaos. Consider how you will adjust your activities in the coming week. You may want to schedule your life-giving activities into your calendar so they will actually happen.

The Life-Giving Activities List is meant to be a flexible guide to provide structure and reflection. It’s a great tool for noticing when life has taken a turn away from your deepest values. It provides gracious course correction opportunity without the shame of failure. When used consistently, the list can empower you to live life in health and balance. Feel free to adjust your list as needed throughout the year. When I consistently engage life-giving activities in 7-10 of my areas of focus, life feels more connected, intentional, balanced, happy, and healthy. Best wishes to you in your growth in 2020! Click here to download your personalized Life-Giving Activities Worksheet.

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

De-Stressing the Holidays

There I sat crying in a butter-soaked shirt, holding a tired, screaming baby wondering why I ever agreed to 3 Christmases in one day. It was our baby son’s first Christmas, what was supposed to be a picturesque, magical day to remember. We decorated, put our son in his Christmas sweater, baked requested casseroles, packed thoughtful gifts, dressed in new clothes, and journeyed to 3 family gatherings that ended in tears and overwhelm. Is this really what Christmas is supposed to be? Stressful, exhausting, overwhelming, and disappointing? Is there another way?

Historically, Christmas and the preceding weeks were about expectations surrounding the birth of Jesus. Currently, you might find yourself juggling spiritual and cultural expectations around Christmas and other Winter holidays including stylish decorations, hosting gatherings, spiritual reflections, church activities, perfect gift-giving, family traditions, meaningful time with extended family, etc. With good intentions, you may place impossible expectations on a few weeks of the year to bring fulfillment and happy memories. Afterward, you can be left with the disappointing reality of hurt feelings, burnt ham, criticism from family, underwhelming responses to gifts, and kids preferring to text friends instead of playing family board games.

So, what can be done?

Here are 5 Ways to De-Stress Your Holidays:

1. Sort your expectations into two categories: healthy and unhealthy. Healthy expectations are reasonable, gracious, encourage growth, and don’t result in shame. Unhealthy expectations are idealistic, unreasonable, perfectionistic, involve trying to control others, and result in feeling ashamed. Reducing stress begins with getting curious about what you are expecting of yourself and others. Are you trying to present a perfect image of yourself? Are you trying to get someone else to be who you want them to be? Are you trying to get an emotional need met from someone who is not likely to meet that need?

2. Consider what you fear will happen if you let your unhealthy expectations go. Most often you hold unhealthy expectations because you fear loss of control, when in reality, you didn’t really have control in the first place. Admitting that you only have control of yourself can set you free and empower you to manage yourself in healthier ways.

3. Identify unhealthy expectations that others may have invited you to fulfill. Maybe you’re still seeking approval from your parents, or hustling to live up to social expectations of friends, or exhausting yourself trying to keep your kids happy. If you find yourself resenting someone, it’s often a sign that unrealistic expectations are present in the relationship.

4. Set boundaries with yourself and others. Adjust unhealthy personal expectations and allow time to realize your worst fears will not be realized as a result. Try giving yourself permission to say no to unhealthy requests of others even if someone will be disappointed. They will survive the disappointment and so will you. Boundaries are usually uncomfortable initially and then all involved get used to them over time. In the long-term, such boundaries create oxygen for life.

5. Decide how you will fill the space that results from letting go of unhealthy expectations. When you think about what feels healthy and meaningful around the holidays, do that and enjoy it deeply.

For us, letting go of unhealthy expectations has set us free from exhausting, expensive, perfection-oriented busyness and created space for intentional, reflective, restful, family time on Christmas Day. The difference is astounding. What will you do to create and enjoy healthier space this holiday season?

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.