Sorry, Not Sorry.

“I’m sorry. I was wrong. I can see that I hurt you and I shouldn’t have done that. I value our relationship. I will make every effort not to do that in the future.” Wouldn’t it be so helpful to hear that when someone hurt you? 

What we often get instead is…”I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t….” Or, “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive.” Or, “I’m sorry your feelings are hurt but the reason I did this is because you….” Or, often we get silence and are expected to move on in a relationship with no acknowledgment or resolution around the hurt.

If you’re like most humans, you appreciate and need a sincere, heartfelt apology as a part of repairing a relationship. However, it’s often easier to receive an apology than to give one. Apologizing is the humbling act of taking direct, verbal responsibility for something hurtful you’ve done to someone else. And, following up the verbal apology with a behavioral commitment to change your behavior to prevent repetitive hurt. Apologizing is a cornerstone of healthy relationship.

If apologizing is hard for you, you may have some of the following common objections to saying you’re sorry:

·      I didn’t intend to hurt anyone.

·      Parents aren’t supposed to apologize to their kids.

·      The other person hurt me too and they need to apologize first.

·      If I apologize, I’m giving away power I have in the relationship.

·      The other person deserved the hurtful thing I did.

·      I don’t do anything wrong so I don’t owe anyone an apology.

While these objections can be powerful motivations preventing apology, the cost is disconnected relationship that lacks trust and accountability. Apologizing is non-negotiable if you want honest, reciprocal, trustworthy relationship.

So, you know you need to apologize but how do you get it right?

5 Things NOT do when Apologizing:

1.     Don’t make excuses. Someone you’ve hurt is not interested in why you hurt them.

2.     Don’t lecture. If there is something you want the other person to do differently in the future of your relationship, address that issue at a separate time, not on the heels of your apology.

3.     Don’t use apology to get results. Apologize because you care and you have remorse for hurting the other person. Don’t apologize to get the other person to quickly move on from their pain, to finish a work project, or to move back to life as usual because this is more comfortable for you.

4.     Don’t insult the hurt person’s emotional experience. “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive” is not an apology. It’s an insult and indicates no responsibility for your hurtful behavior.

5.     Don’t demand forgiveness. The hurt person gets to decide how they will receive your apology. If they choose to forgive you, they get to decide that in their own time.

5 Things TO do when Apologizing:

1.     Take full responsibility for your part. Reflect on what you understand was hurtful behavior on your part. Say you’re sorry and say specifically what you did that was hurtful. “I’m sorry I stood you up for our lunch date.” Even if the other person did something hurtful to you in this situation, now is not the time to say it. Own your part and hold them accountable for their part in a separate discussion. 

2.     Validate the emotion of the hurt party. “I can see and understand that it was hurtful to you when I did not show up for lunch.”

3.     Communicate the value of the relationship. “Our friendship is important to me and my behavior did not reflect that.”

4.     Communicate and follow through on a plan for change. “I commit to doing better in the future. If I make plans with you, I will show up or let you know in advance if I have a change of plans.”

5.     Keep it simple. Apologize and leave it at that. Correcting, lecturing, or explaining your behavior will only take away from the apology.

While apologizing can be difficult at times, it’s a healthy practice that causes self-awareness, personal growth, and relational maturity. There is something freeing about admitting you are wrong sometimes and taking the steps to make things right with others. Sincere apology followed by behavioral change can be profoundly healing in any relationship. These tips can be used in marriage, friendship, parent-child relationships, work, and beyond. Connect with more emotional and relational health resources at journeybravely.com for your counseling and coaching journey.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled. 

Enduring Hard Things in 2020

Even if you highly value optimism, 2020 is giving you a run for your money. As we sit 6 months into the pandemic, Hurricane Sally has pummeled the Panhandle, and we all know someone impacted by Covid, fires, racial tensions, not to mention the upcoming election discussions. Exhaustion and uncertainty fatigue are very normal in these circumstances. I continue to hear stories, both locally and nationally, of people being angry, irritable, depressed, and overwhelmed. Situations that used to be mildly irritating are now feeling off the charts infuriating and disappointing. We are collectively worn down and struggling to manage emotions, to be kind to each other, and to find a continued sense of resilience.

So, what can we do to remember who we are and to be the people we want to be in the current season of uncertainty? What are the tools that inspire us not to give ourselves permission to spiral downward and give up loving our neighbors?

10 Ways to Endure & Thrive Through Hard Things:

1.     Engage self-care practices. When you sleep well, eating well, move your body, take prescribed medicine, engage personal hygiene, get out of bed at a consistent time, you communicate a sense of hope and motivation to your brain and body.

2.     Look for the positive in the midst of the negative. While being honest with yourself about the real current challenges, also daily look for and focus on the positive happening around you. Hurricanes are awful, people showing up lovingly for neighbors is beautiful.

3.     Engage your spiritual life. Remember that God is present in the midst of suffering and you are deeply loved. While difficult, try embracing the reality that some of our deepest growth as humans is born in times of suffering.

4.     Remember your values.  Values such as honesty, family, love, and kindness can be consistent guides through both the wonderful and the awful moments of life. Try listing your top 10 values to remind yourself of the anchors that drive your life and decisions daily.

5.     Focus on others. Spend a few minutes each day thinking of someone you know and engaging in kindness toward them such as a thoughtful text, a phone call, praying for them, or helping them in a practical way. Remembering others gives perspective to our personal suffering and reminds us that love lives in the hard places.

6.     Let go of what you can’t control. Sort what you can control from what you can’t. As much as possible, let go of what is outside your control. Now, try spend your energy on taking meaningful action on the things within your control. I cannot control the pandemic, however, I can control my daily routines and self-care.

7.     Engage social support. Chat with neighbors outside, call or Zoom friends, return to activities that feel safe to you with social distancing precautions. We all need other people regularly.

8.     Breathe when you’re about to lose it. Don’t give yourself permission to take your frustrations out on others at home, at work, on the road. Notice when you’re getting flustered, slow down, take 10 slow, deep breaths. Check in with yourself and take 10 more until you feel your brain calming back to the rational space.

9.     Give grace. Assume the best of other’s intentions until they prove otherwise. Be kind to yourself and others as much as possible. We are all having a hard time.

10.  Practice gratitude. Write or say aloud 5 things you are grateful for daily. It’s okay to repeat some. Be creative and try to notice new things that bring joy.

While many of these tools may seem simplistic, we often neglect practicing them regularly and wonder why we feel so negative and out of control. Take a few minutes to rate yourself on each tool using a scale of 1-10, 1 being “I’ve not been so great at this” and 10 being “I’m great at doing this daily.” Then choose 2 areas to begin focusing on consistently. 

You are certainly not alone in the struggles you may be facing as you walk through 2020. Remember that seeking support is brave and wise. Journey Bravely has coaching sessions available to help you through finding tools for balance and forward movement in these challenging times.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Can People Really Change?

 Are you worn out from navigating the current emotional climate in America? Tensions certainly abound. Mask or no mask? Reopen or slow down reopening? Support black lives or support law enforcement? Peaceful protesting or fear of looting? It’s a lot to sort and manage emotionally. 

Maybe as you’ve been quarantined, you’ve noticed something about yourself that needs to change. Maybe an important relationship isn’t as strong as you believed. Maybe racial tension has caused some reflection and personal work around racism. Entertaining the need for internal change is no small thing. Do you find yourself wondering if you or others can really change? Or are you basically stuck in the ways you’ve always thought and behaved?

The good news is your brain was created to expand its capacity and shift its focus based on what you intentionally and repetitively practice. In addition to your neurobiology, humility is required for true change. Being able to admit there are things you need to learn that only someone else can teach you opens the door wide for genuine, deep, sustained change. Everyone falls short and needs to engage in change throughout life, but how does that actually work?

10 Steps to Transformational Change:

1.     Notice the discomfort. Life events creates emotional/relational discomfort that challenges you to admit something in your life is unhealthy.

2.     Name the problem. “I’m drinking too much.” “I’m working too much.” “I’m not standing up for others like I want to.”

3.     Grieve the impact of the problem. Acknowledge and take responsibility for the hurtful impact the problem has had on yourself and others. Give heartfelt apologies and confess/receive forgiveness from God.

4.     Confront and release shame.  Notice where you are beating yourself up for the problem and recognize that shaming yourself results in feeling stuck and impedes growth and healing. Commit to move forward here and now.

5.     Cultivate curiosity about the problem. Where and how often is the problem showing up in your daily life? You may experience some overwhelm realizing the problem is more widespread than you knew. Allow yourself to be emotionally unsettled about the problem. Entertain the need for action to make a change.

6.     Educate yourself. Consume new resources, seek counseling/support to understand the origin of the problem. Learn new tools/strategies to make a change.

7.     Commit to and complete action steps for change repeatedly. Begin taking a pause each time you notice the problem and take intentional steps to implement the new positive behavior or strategy of change. You may begin by noticing and making the change after you’ve already engaged in the problem at first. That’s ok, it’s part of the process. Eventually with practice, you’ll be able to notice and implement change before the problem has occurred.

8.     Sustain change. Practice new skills for weeks, then months until you begin to notice the problem is showing up much less in your life. Eventually, the new, healthier tools and perspective will become normal. Make a life-long commitment to keep the new normal.

9.     Celebrate and enjoy freedom of change. As you see the evidence of transformation in your life, know that with commitment and attention such change can be repeated in other areas of your life.

10.  Embrace humility. Know deeply that you don’t have life figured out and there’s always something to learn. Be open to repeating this process of change as you are open to noticing more problem areas within yourself.

You can apply this process of change to many areas of your personal life including bad habits, stuck relationships, negative thoughts/beliefs and community areas of change such as pursuing justice and loving your neighbor as you love yourself. The important thing is to be a person who continues to do your personal work so you can show up as a positive contributor in your relationships, community and world. As you walk through your process of change, remember counseling or coaching can be a helpful tool. Journey Bravely would be happy to connect with you along your journey at journeybravely.com.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Another Perspective on Distancing

Social distancing has become a daily part of life…spacing out 6 feet, groups of 10 or less, wearing masks. While such practices can feel exhausting and isolating, they are designed to create a healthy sense of boundary between you and others for the sake of collective well-being. As you imagine when and how life will return to “normal,” you can apply the lessons of physical boundaries through COVID-19 to improve your emotional boundaries, as well. 

Emotional boundaries are the structures you place in your relationships to let others know how you will and will not allow yourself to be treated. You set boundaries when you say yes or no, when you tell other people what you appreciate about how they are treating you and what has hurt you, when you decide how much time and energy you will invest, and when you choose to reduce your exposure to or end a relationship when you feel disrespected.

Relationship without boundaries results in you feeling exhausted, unappreciated, unseen, and taken advantage of. Lacking boundaries also results in attracting unhealthy, takers into your life repeatedly. So, how do you begin to create basic, healthy boundaries in your relationships?

6 Ways to Begin Healthy Boundaries:

1.     Identify 5 relationship deal breakers. What are 5 things that must be present for a relationship to be healthy for you? For example: honesty, mutual respect, kindness, authenticity, meaningful apologies. Choose according to your most important values. Notice in both your existing and new relationships whether your deal breakers are present. If they aren’t, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

2.     Give yourself permission to say no. Healthy relationship respects your no. Often, you will want to say yes in your relationships. However, it is not selfish to say no when you want or need to do so. It is healthy to say no when you sense another person consistently expecting more from you than you feel is healthy. If someone is guilting, shaming, or punishing you when you say no, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

3.     Decide how much time you will invest. You have many things to balance in life and limited time to give to any given relationship. You decide how much time feels healthy and respectful to give each relationship. For one relationship it might be an hour per week vs. an hour per day for another. If someone is consistently demanding more time than you believe is healthy to invest, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

4.     Give and expect reciprocity in relationship. Reciprocity means both people are both consistently giving and receiving in the relationship. There may be seasons where you are giving more or receiving more, but the overall tone of a healthy relationship is reciprocal. If you are consistently giving in a relationship and rarely receiving, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

5.     Say what you need and want. It is healthy for you to speak plainly about what is working for you and what is not. No one can read your mind no matter how long the relationship. If you don’t tell people what leaves you feeling valued or hurt, others won’t know how to be healthy in relationship with you. If someone continues hurtful behavior without improvement after it’s been addressed, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

6.     Give yourself permission to end unhealthy relationships. Sometimes relationships are unhealthy and do not improve. You can care about someone and at the same time acknowledge the relationship is not healthy for you. It is not mean or selfish to end relationships when you have been clear about what is not working and it continues to happen.

Thinking about boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first, but in the long run, creates healthy evaluation and adjustment in your relationships resulting in the life-giving connection you want and need in your life. As you are working through boundaries and other common life struggles, remember that counselors are providing online services throughout the pandemic and accepting new clients including Journey Bravely.

 Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Surviving Groundhog's Day

Do you find yourself struggling through Groundhog’s Day Syndrome in the midst of COVID-19? Each day you wake up and it’s another home day surrounded by the same people. This week, I wasn’t sure what day it was, what I had accomplished in the past 4 days, or what I needed to do that day. It was uncomfortable and disorienting. Most days in the midst of quarantine look and feel similar without the common structures that separate weekdays from weekends, work days from home days, school days from family days. Your brain doesn’t quite know how to make sense of these new life rhythms or lack thereof.

In addition to lack of rhythms, it’s very difficult to get your bearings when you have no idea how long the pandemic will last or what life is going to look like for the next many months and years following these events. It brings up feelings of anxiety, stress, overwhelm, and the necessary but very uncomfortable acknowledgement that you are out of control of many things surrounding the pandemic.

Though your traditional ways of making daily meaning in life are being challenged, you are still wired to seek a sense of purpose, value, and connection. And, though you have a significant lack of control over the pandemic circumstances, your brain will continue to encourage you to engage self-control to sustain some personal health and balance in the midst of cultural chaos. So, what can you do to combat the Groundhog’s Day pull into a numbed out, stressed out existence?

5 Ways to Survive Groundhog’s Day Syndrome

1.     Create daily anchors. Your brain makes sense of your daily rhythms by recognizing the difference between what you do on any given day of the week. For example: On Monday, I do laundry; On Tuesday, I go to the store; On Saturday, I go on a nature walk; On Sunday, I watch a church podcast. Find one activity to do on the same day each week. This will help your brain begin to differentiate Monday from Saturday.

2.     Create two tasks for the day. At the end of each day, take 2 minutes to reflect on what you would like to accomplish the following day to feel a sense of forward movement in your life. Write down the two things and do them the next day. For example: Tomorrow I will pay the electric bill and clean the bathroom.

3.     Reach for gratitude. Choose one thing you are thankful for each day. Though the pandemic is very stressful, it has created some opportunities for slowing down, spending more time with family, remembering to pray for others, taking more walks, taking time for personal reflection, considering how you can help others, etc. 

4.     Keep consistent self-care routines. It’s easy when you aren’t leaving the house to skip the shower, teeth-brushing, getting dressed activities of the day. Though, most of us have given up on makeup and fashion, keeping up with your basic daily hygiene practices communicates a sense of personal value to yourself. 

5.     Sunday check in. Take 5 minutes to check in with yourself each week. Ask yourself, “How am I doing emotionally this week?” “Have I connected with a friend this week?” “Have I gotten outdoors this week?” “Do I need to ask for support from someone?” “Do I need to make any adjustments in the coming week to feel more grounded and positive?”

Nothing about COVID-19 is simple. It is creating chaos, grief, and the daily uncomfortable sense of unknown. If you can, release what you cannot control, and engage your energy in using self-control in small, targeted areas in your daily life to guide you toward a greater sense of peace in the midst of the struggle. 

Remember, there is wisdom in asking for additional support from family, friends, or a counselor as you navigate the pandemic along with other stresses you may be experiencing. Many counselors are providing online sessions during quarantine including Journey Bravely Counseling.

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Self Care During Coronavirus Pandemic

The COVID-19 Pandemic has hit hard and now you’re trying to figure out how to stay home, homeschool kids, work from home, figure out getting groceries without being exposed, cook more meals…and that doesn’t even cover the emotional turmoil created daily by the rising diagnosis/death tolls and constant news coverage. All of these changes are occurring at the same time and it’s natural for your brain to feel overwhelmed, confused, and forgetful.

You may be focused primarily on taking care of others in your life, however, self care is very important right now to help your brain find the balance it needs to develop it’s new routine and rhythm. Self care is not selfish. In fact, one of the most helpful and loving things you can do to make yourself healthy and available to help those you love is to incorporate some self care into your daily life. Constant stress increases your Cortisol levels, contributes to lower immune system, and puts you at higher risk for unhealth. Taking as little as 10 minutes a day to do something calming and loving toward yourself can make a significant difference in your mental and physical health.

What Is Self Care?

Self care is any activity that creates a sense of calm, rest, relaxation and kindness toward yourself. The goal is to remember that while others are important, so are you. The purpose of self care is to get a physical and mental break from the constant busyness and stress associated with transition and crisis. There are many forms of self care that vary widely based on the personality and enjoyment of the individual. Some common examples are:

• Getting enough sleep

• Eating healthy foods

• Exercise

• Prayer/Meditation

• Reading

• Sports

• Talking to a friend

• Journaling

• Creative writing

• Playing video games

• Taking a bath

• Doing your nails

• Being outdoors

• Dancing

• Singing

• Jumping on the trampoline

• Art

• Cleaning

• Swimming

• Riding a bike

• Baking

• Decorating

• Holding your pet

• Deep breathing

• Diffusing/applying essential oils

• Organizing

The best way to make sure self care happens is to be realistic with your expectations, set aside specific time, and let your loved ones know you are taking your self care time and ask them to respect that time. It may also be helpful right now to create some boundaries around when work and school are happening daily so you can identify non-work time to schedule your self care activities.

As you consider your self care time, remember that others in your home need self care too. Consider asking them what they will do for self care and when they will set aside time so you can support their efforts to maintain their emotional health, too. Once you get a self care routine going during the pandemic, maybe you will find it easier to incorporate self care when the pandemic ends and you return to work, school, and other activities outside the home.

If you’re struggling with the pandemic or something else and are wanting to connect for online counseling, Journey Bravely is here to help you get started with online counseling this week. Call 918-221-9987 for your free 15 minute consultation call or if you’re ready to schedule your initial online counseling session, connect to our client portal to schedule now here.

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Ditch Resolutions for Life-Giving Activities

Tired of making resolutions and experiencing a sense of failure by the end of January? It’s easy to make self-disciplined plans in December until January hits and you’re back to eating out, skipping the gym, staying up late, procrastinating and spending energy taking care of everyone but you. What are you supposed to do when the resolutions have fallen flat and you still desire some healthy direction for the remaining 11 months?

Instead of setting idealistic, unrealistic resolutions that tend to be all or nothing oriented, consider creating a Life-Giving Activities List to provide your daily and weekly life with some flexible, commitment-oriented direction. Life-giving activities are disciplines or practices that when done consistently, move your life toward living out your values with meaning and balance. Life-giving activities are measured over the long term of weeks and months rather than days and allow for extending yourself grace when you’ve missed the mark on any given day or week. They provide a barometer of sorts to check in on your level of health in various areas of life and provide a guide for making needed adjustments as you go throughout the year. While resolutions are meant to serve us, we often end up feeling enslaved to them. Life-giving activities serve your desired personal growth rather than you serving them.

5 Ways to Create and Use Your Life-Giving Activities List

1.     Consider areas of focus and determine where growth is desired. Areas of focus to consider include physical health, emotional health, spiritual health, and relational health. Questions you might consider to help you evaluate these areas of focus include:  How am I caring for my body? How is my sleep? How are my relationships? How is my stress level? In what areas of life do I want to see growth? 

2.     In your own words, choose 5-10 areas of focus that will create the main items on your Life-Giving Activity List. For example, my areas of focus include: Connect with God, Connect with Family, Eat Intuitively, Sleep Well, Have Fun, Meaningful Work, Move My Body, Personal Development, Engage Hobbies/Creativity, Be Generous.

3.     Choose up to 5 life-giving activity options for each area of focus that bring balance and joy to life. Choose activities you know or suspect will promote your desired growth in each area of focus. You do not need to complete all of the activities each week but instead, choose one or more activities from your list weekly to help you grow in each area of focus. On my list, under Connect with Family my activities include family table dinners, family game night, movie night, date night. Under Connect with God, my activities include prayer walks on the beach, participate in worship community, participate in small group, spiritual reading/podcasts. 

4.     Post your Life-Giving Activities List in an easily accessible location. Put the list in your phone notes and consider posting a hard copy in your home. I like posting my list on the bathroom mirror where I see it throughout the day.

5.     Create a consistent weekly time to use your Life-Giving Activities List for a personal growth check-in. Set aside 10 or more minutes to reflect on the prior week. Notice how many of your 5-10 areas of focus you engaged over the past week. Notice which areas you might be avoiding and consider why. Notice which activities have brought you the most joy and meaning. Notice if you felt a sense of healthy, balance or a sense of exhaustion and chaos. Consider how you will adjust your activities in the coming week. You may want to schedule your life-giving activities into your calendar so they will actually happen.

The Life-Giving Activities List is meant to be a flexible guide to provide structure and reflection. It’s a great tool for noticing when life has taken a turn away from your deepest values. It provides gracious course correction opportunity without the shame of failure. When used consistently, the list can empower you to live life in health and balance. Feel free to adjust your list as needed throughout the year. When I consistently engage life-giving activities in 7-10 of my areas of focus, life feels more connected, intentional, balanced, happy, and healthy. Best wishes to you in your growth in 2020! Click here to download your personalized Life-Giving Activities Worksheet.

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

De-Stressing the Holidays

There I sat crying in a butter-soaked shirt, holding a tired, screaming baby wondering why I ever agreed to 3 Christmases in one day. It was our baby son’s first Christmas, what was supposed to be a picturesque, magical day to remember. We decorated, put our son in his Christmas sweater, baked requested casseroles, packed thoughtful gifts, dressed in new clothes, and journeyed to 3 family gatherings that ended in tears and overwhelm. Is this really what Christmas is supposed to be? Stressful, exhausting, overwhelming, and disappointing? Is there another way?

Historically, Christmas and the preceding weeks were about expectations surrounding the birth of Jesus. Currently, you might find yourself juggling spiritual and cultural expectations around Christmas and other Winter holidays including stylish decorations, hosting gatherings, spiritual reflections, church activities, perfect gift-giving, family traditions, meaningful time with extended family, etc. With good intentions, you may place impossible expectations on a few weeks of the year to bring fulfillment and happy memories. Afterward, you can be left with the disappointing reality of hurt feelings, burnt ham, criticism from family, underwhelming responses to gifts, and kids preferring to text friends instead of playing family board games.

So, what can be done?

Here are 5 Ways to De-Stress Your Holidays:

1. Sort your expectations into two categories: healthy and unhealthy. Healthy expectations are reasonable, gracious, encourage growth, and don’t result in shame. Unhealthy expectations are idealistic, unreasonable, perfectionistic, involve trying to control others, and result in feeling ashamed. Reducing stress begins with getting curious about what you are expecting of yourself and others. Are you trying to present a perfect image of yourself? Are you trying to get someone else to be who you want them to be? Are you trying to get an emotional need met from someone who is not likely to meet that need?

2. Consider what you fear will happen if you let your unhealthy expectations go. Most often you hold unhealthy expectations because you fear loss of control, when in reality, you didn’t really have control in the first place. Admitting that you only have control of yourself can set you free and empower you to manage yourself in healthier ways.

3. Identify unhealthy expectations that others may have invited you to fulfill. Maybe you’re still seeking approval from your parents, or hustling to live up to social expectations of friends, or exhausting yourself trying to keep your kids happy. If you find yourself resenting someone, it’s often a sign that unrealistic expectations are present in the relationship.

4. Set boundaries with yourself and others. Adjust unhealthy personal expectations and allow time to realize your worst fears will not be realized as a result. Try giving yourself permission to say no to unhealthy requests of others even if someone will be disappointed. They will survive the disappointment and so will you. Boundaries are usually uncomfortable initially and then all involved get used to them over time. In the long-term, such boundaries create oxygen for life.

5. Decide how you will fill the space that results from letting go of unhealthy expectations. When you think about what feels healthy and meaningful around the holidays, do that and enjoy it deeply.

For us, letting go of unhealthy expectations has set us free from exhausting, expensive, perfection-oriented busyness and created space for intentional, reflective, restful, family time on Christmas Day. The difference is astounding. What will you do to create and enjoy healthier space this holiday season?

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

You Have One Life

By Todd Craig, Personal & Professional Coach

A couple of years ago I was sitting in a large meeting that I was required to attend on an annual basis. I had this moment of clarity where I realized I was listening to the same reports and debates I had heard every year for the past 15 years with no change. I thought to myself, "life is too short to waste another minute in this room.'' So, I got up and left. I ran into a friend on my way out and when I shared my moment of clarity he said this to me, "you have only one life."

I have carried, reflected and acted on that phrase over the last 18 months. My greatest desire is to live the life I am meant to live and to help others do the same. If you find yourself thinking things like, "there's got to be more than this," or "I have more to offer," I hope these ideas will help you take a next step:

1. The past is prologue - Your past may shape your future, but it doesn't have to determine it. I believe every experience, both good and bad, can contribute to your future. But, your past is not in charge of your future.

2. You are ridiculously in charge - You have only one life.....and you get to decide how to live it. You may not be in control of everything that happens in life, but you are in charge of your mindset, attitude, how you respond to situations and people, and how you move forward. You get to decide your direction and the paths you are going to pursue. And, you are making that decision everyday. You are making that decision today! The question is, are you making it intentionally?

3. Decide who you want to be - Your character, integrity and values are more powerful in determining your direction, for better or worse, than anything you will do or how well you will do it. In fact, who you are will have a huge influence on what you do. Andy Stanley put it this way, "It's always a mistake to decide what you want to do before you decide who you want to be."

4. Ask yourself, "What do I want.....really?" - This is a deceptively difficult question to answer. In fact, most of us think we know what we want until we get pressed to define it. But even then, we often answer with things we think we want.  We think we want that position, that money, that house, that car, etc. This is why adding "really" to the question is so important. Are those things more important to you than your family? Time with your kids? Your legacy? Your reputation? What's really most important to you? A great way to determine what you want...really is to consider what you want said about you at your funeral. This is a great reflection of your personal definition of success.

5. Evaluate, "Are my habits, behaviors and life choices in line with who I want to be and what I want?" - Remember, you are ridiculously in charge. You get to decide what habits, behaviors, relationships, jobs, direction, etc. you want to pursue and keep. If you are out of alignment, every day is an opportunity for a new beginning.

6. Push through the resistance - Living your one life with intentionality is a courageous path. There are other voices telling you how you should live your life. The gravity of the status quo (as umcomfortable, disappointing or painful as it may be), can be strong and challenge our desire to move forward. 

7. You don't have to walk this journey alone - You are the hero in your story and every hero has trusted voices challenging and encouraging them forward. One of my greatest desires is to help others live the life they were to live; to be the people they want to be and to pursue the life they want. If you would like help determining who you want to be, what you want and aligning habits, behaviors and life choices don't hesitate to reach out! I'd love to join you on your Brave Journey.

Journeying Bravely

Journey Bravely just moved across the country from Oklahoma to Florida and we are still pinching ourselves most days when we take a quick drive to the ocean! We started dreaming 2 years ago about moving to a warmer, sunnier, ocean-side community. As with many dreams in the beginning stages, we had a desire but were lacking confidence that we could accomplish it. We realized in our coaching and counseling work that we were encouraging people to Journey Bravely and yet, we needed to take some brave steps in our own journey to a new home. We were excited, scared, hopeful, doubtful, and motivated for change. We decided on a specific area of Florida and determined that a 2-3 year timeline would be the best for our family as we hoped to move prior to our oldest child starting High School. And amazingly, just over 2 years later, we have landed and just moved into our permanent home in our dream community.

So how are you supposed to get from dreaming to living out that dream?

1. Explore how comfortable you are with dreaming in general. We found that we were most comfortable taking the next security oriented step in life and struggled to allow ourselves to really dream. If you’re struggling to allow yourself to dream, here are a few questions to consider that might get your dreamer working. What do you really want to be true in your life? When you come to the end of life, what will you regret having not done? What relationships and experiences bring you the most joy? What contribution can you bring to the world that brings excitement? When you think of a day to day reality in your mind that feels meaningful, what does that look like? You might find it helpful to journal through answering the above questions. In addition, seeking additional external input about dreaming through reading and podcasts can help improve the dream flow.

2. Make your vision concrete to make it more real and to invite next steps. We created our first vision board about 1 year ago. Vision boards can be done many different ways but we chose pasting and drawing pictures and words on a large board to represent our priorities for the future. Vision boards can include various areas of life such as where you want to live, vocational dreams, parenting goals, financial hopes, travel aspirations, character development, ways to give to others…and anything else you’re hoping and dreaming. Then, place that board in a visible place and take some time daily to think about what you desire and what action you’re willing to take to make it a reality. Vision boards are flexible and can morph and change over time as you experience personal growth.

3. Break down the dream into manageable parts. Moving was one part of our overall life dream. We chose to focus on that part first as many of the other dreams flow out of where we wanted to live. Once you choose an area of focus, it’s time for goals and action steps. If the goal is planning to move in two years, what are the practical daily steps you must take to get there? For us that looked like some vocational change to make my work more portable, preparing our house to sell, including our kids in the dreaming process, and looking for viable housing in our community of choice. Action steps are often where people get stuck. Sometimes dreaming is easy and action steps can feel overwhelming or boring. However, people who write down their goals on a regular basis are 42% more likely to achieve them. This is where you gather your grit and start to dig in and and do one thing at a time knowing that in the long run, the steps that seem insignificant will actually move you to your dream.

4. Make friends with healthy risk. Most people who realize dreams learn to navigate taking some level of calculated risk. Risk taking is easier for some and harder for others simply because of personality and how you were raised. We both identified as risk averse people prior to our move. The big step that was necessary and scary for us was listing our house when it was a home we really loved. We wanted to wait to list our house until we both had solid job offers, however, my business is self-employment and it became clear in the process of Todd networking for jobs that he needed to be in the community to get the job. So we waffled around for several months, sought wise counsel, faced our fears, and one day almost 2 years into the dreaming process, decided to list the house. Risk is letting go of the comfortable and familiar to open possibilities for what you really want and it was not easy. But, 12 days after listing, the house sold causing momentum over the next few weeks that resulted in our dream being realized 3 months later. It was very uncomfortable moving without knowing Todd’s job, but had we not done so, we would not have been here 2 days after our arrival when his current job was posted specifically for someone living in the area.

5. Once you realize a dream, savor the growth in the process and celebrate the outcome. Dreaming, opening your life to change, and taking the action steps is work. It’s impossible to do such work without experiencing some transformational change in your faith, your relationships, and how you see and understand yourself. Slow down, pay attention, and take note of how you’re changing so you will intentionally carry the new perspective forward into your life. And, when you reach the goal, pause…enjoy…practice gratitude…and celebrate what has transpired. Celebrating reminds you to acknowledge your faith, your work, and all of those that were part of your journey to the realized dream.

The brave journey to realizing a dream is beautiful, hard, risky, transforming, and life-changing. Once you have experienced it, you know you can do it again. What are your dreams? What is holding you back from pursuing them?

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.