Sorry, Not Sorry.

“I’m sorry. I was wrong. I can see that I hurt you and I shouldn’t have done that. I value our relationship. I will make every effort not to do that in the future.” Wouldn’t it be so helpful to hear that when someone hurt you? 

What we often get instead is…”I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t….” Or, “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive.” Or, “I’m sorry your feelings are hurt but the reason I did this is because you….” Or, often we get silence and are expected to move on in a relationship with no acknowledgment or resolution around the hurt.

If you’re like most humans, you appreciate and need a sincere, heartfelt apology as a part of repairing a relationship. However, it’s often easier to receive an apology than to give one. Apologizing is the humbling act of taking direct, verbal responsibility for something hurtful you’ve done to someone else. And, following up the verbal apology with a behavioral commitment to change your behavior to prevent repetitive hurt. Apologizing is a cornerstone of healthy relationship.

If apologizing is hard for you, you may have some of the following common objections to saying you’re sorry:

·      I didn’t intend to hurt anyone.

·      Parents aren’t supposed to apologize to their kids.

·      The other person hurt me too and they need to apologize first.

·      If I apologize, I’m giving away power I have in the relationship.

·      The other person deserved the hurtful thing I did.

·      I don’t do anything wrong so I don’t owe anyone an apology.

While these objections can be powerful motivations preventing apology, the cost is disconnected relationship that lacks trust and accountability. Apologizing is non-negotiable if you want honest, reciprocal, trustworthy relationship.

So, you know you need to apologize but how do you get it right?

5 Things NOT do when Apologizing:

1.     Don’t make excuses. Someone you’ve hurt is not interested in why you hurt them.

2.     Don’t lecture. If there is something you want the other person to do differently in the future of your relationship, address that issue at a separate time, not on the heels of your apology.

3.     Don’t use apology to get results. Apologize because you care and you have remorse for hurting the other person. Don’t apologize to get the other person to quickly move on from their pain, to finish a work project, or to move back to life as usual because this is more comfortable for you.

4.     Don’t insult the hurt person’s emotional experience. “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive” is not an apology. It’s an insult and indicates no responsibility for your hurtful behavior.

5.     Don’t demand forgiveness. The hurt person gets to decide how they will receive your apology. If they choose to forgive you, they get to decide that in their own time.

5 Things TO do when Apologizing:

1.     Take full responsibility for your part. Reflect on what you understand was hurtful behavior on your part. Say you’re sorry and say specifically what you did that was hurtful. “I’m sorry I stood you up for our lunch date.” Even if the other person did something hurtful to you in this situation, now is not the time to say it. Own your part and hold them accountable for their part in a separate discussion. 

2.     Validate the emotion of the hurt party. “I can see and understand that it was hurtful to you when I did not show up for lunch.”

3.     Communicate the value of the relationship. “Our friendship is important to me and my behavior did not reflect that.”

4.     Communicate and follow through on a plan for change. “I commit to doing better in the future. If I make plans with you, I will show up or let you know in advance if I have a change of plans.”

5.     Keep it simple. Apologize and leave it at that. Correcting, lecturing, or explaining your behavior will only take away from the apology.

While apologizing can be difficult at times, it’s a healthy practice that causes self-awareness, personal growth, and relational maturity. There is something freeing about admitting you are wrong sometimes and taking the steps to make things right with others. Sincere apology followed by behavioral change can be profoundly healing in any relationship. These tips can be used in marriage, friendship, parent-child relationships, work, and beyond. Connect with more emotional and relational health resources at journeybravely.com for your counseling and coaching journey.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled. 

Enduring Hard Things in 2020

Even if you highly value optimism, 2020 is giving you a run for your money. As we sit 6 months into the pandemic, Hurricane Sally has pummeled the Panhandle, and we all know someone impacted by Covid, fires, racial tensions, not to mention the upcoming election discussions. Exhaustion and uncertainty fatigue are very normal in these circumstances. I continue to hear stories, both locally and nationally, of people being angry, irritable, depressed, and overwhelmed. Situations that used to be mildly irritating are now feeling off the charts infuriating and disappointing. We are collectively worn down and struggling to manage emotions, to be kind to each other, and to find a continued sense of resilience.

So, what can we do to remember who we are and to be the people we want to be in the current season of uncertainty? What are the tools that inspire us not to give ourselves permission to spiral downward and give up loving our neighbors?

10 Ways to Endure & Thrive Through Hard Things:

1.     Engage self-care practices. When you sleep well, eating well, move your body, take prescribed medicine, engage personal hygiene, get out of bed at a consistent time, you communicate a sense of hope and motivation to your brain and body.

2.     Look for the positive in the midst of the negative. While being honest with yourself about the real current challenges, also daily look for and focus on the positive happening around you. Hurricanes are awful, people showing up lovingly for neighbors is beautiful.

3.     Engage your spiritual life. Remember that God is present in the midst of suffering and you are deeply loved. While difficult, try embracing the reality that some of our deepest growth as humans is born in times of suffering.

4.     Remember your values.  Values such as honesty, family, love, and kindness can be consistent guides through both the wonderful and the awful moments of life. Try listing your top 10 values to remind yourself of the anchors that drive your life and decisions daily.

5.     Focus on others. Spend a few minutes each day thinking of someone you know and engaging in kindness toward them such as a thoughtful text, a phone call, praying for them, or helping them in a practical way. Remembering others gives perspective to our personal suffering and reminds us that love lives in the hard places.

6.     Let go of what you can’t control. Sort what you can control from what you can’t. As much as possible, let go of what is outside your control. Now, try spend your energy on taking meaningful action on the things within your control. I cannot control the pandemic, however, I can control my daily routines and self-care.

7.     Engage social support. Chat with neighbors outside, call or Zoom friends, return to activities that feel safe to you with social distancing precautions. We all need other people regularly.

8.     Breathe when you’re about to lose it. Don’t give yourself permission to take your frustrations out on others at home, at work, on the road. Notice when you’re getting flustered, slow down, take 10 slow, deep breaths. Check in with yourself and take 10 more until you feel your brain calming back to the rational space.

9.     Give grace. Assume the best of other’s intentions until they prove otherwise. Be kind to yourself and others as much as possible. We are all having a hard time.

10.  Practice gratitude. Write or say aloud 5 things you are grateful for daily. It’s okay to repeat some. Be creative and try to notice new things that bring joy.

While many of these tools may seem simplistic, we often neglect practicing them regularly and wonder why we feel so negative and out of control. Take a few minutes to rate yourself on each tool using a scale of 1-10, 1 being “I’ve not been so great at this” and 10 being “I’m great at doing this daily.” Then choose 2 areas to begin focusing on consistently. 

You are certainly not alone in the struggles you may be facing as you walk through 2020. Remember that seeking support is brave and wise. Journey Bravely has coaching sessions available to help you through finding tools for balance and forward movement in these challenging times.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Can People Really Change?

 Are you worn out from navigating the current emotional climate in America? Tensions certainly abound. Mask or no mask? Reopen or slow down reopening? Support black lives or support law enforcement? Peaceful protesting or fear of looting? It’s a lot to sort and manage emotionally. 

Maybe as you’ve been quarantined, you’ve noticed something about yourself that needs to change. Maybe an important relationship isn’t as strong as you believed. Maybe racial tension has caused some reflection and personal work around racism. Entertaining the need for internal change is no small thing. Do you find yourself wondering if you or others can really change? Or are you basically stuck in the ways you’ve always thought and behaved?

The good news is your brain was created to expand its capacity and shift its focus based on what you intentionally and repetitively practice. In addition to your neurobiology, humility is required for true change. Being able to admit there are things you need to learn that only someone else can teach you opens the door wide for genuine, deep, sustained change. Everyone falls short and needs to engage in change throughout life, but how does that actually work?

10 Steps to Transformational Change:

1.     Notice the discomfort. Life events creates emotional/relational discomfort that challenges you to admit something in your life is unhealthy.

2.     Name the problem. “I’m drinking too much.” “I’m working too much.” “I’m not standing up for others like I want to.”

3.     Grieve the impact of the problem. Acknowledge and take responsibility for the hurtful impact the problem has had on yourself and others. Give heartfelt apologies and confess/receive forgiveness from God.

4.     Confront and release shame.  Notice where you are beating yourself up for the problem and recognize that shaming yourself results in feeling stuck and impedes growth and healing. Commit to move forward here and now.

5.     Cultivate curiosity about the problem. Where and how often is the problem showing up in your daily life? You may experience some overwhelm realizing the problem is more widespread than you knew. Allow yourself to be emotionally unsettled about the problem. Entertain the need for action to make a change.

6.     Educate yourself. Consume new resources, seek counseling/support to understand the origin of the problem. Learn new tools/strategies to make a change.

7.     Commit to and complete action steps for change repeatedly. Begin taking a pause each time you notice the problem and take intentional steps to implement the new positive behavior or strategy of change. You may begin by noticing and making the change after you’ve already engaged in the problem at first. That’s ok, it’s part of the process. Eventually with practice, you’ll be able to notice and implement change before the problem has occurred.

8.     Sustain change. Practice new skills for weeks, then months until you begin to notice the problem is showing up much less in your life. Eventually, the new, healthier tools and perspective will become normal. Make a life-long commitment to keep the new normal.

9.     Celebrate and enjoy freedom of change. As you see the evidence of transformation in your life, know that with commitment and attention such change can be repeated in other areas of your life.

10.  Embrace humility. Know deeply that you don’t have life figured out and there’s always something to learn. Be open to repeating this process of change as you are open to noticing more problem areas within yourself.

You can apply this process of change to many areas of your personal life including bad habits, stuck relationships, negative thoughts/beliefs and community areas of change such as pursuing justice and loving your neighbor as you love yourself. The important thing is to be a person who continues to do your personal work so you can show up as a positive contributor in your relationships, community and world. As you walk through your process of change, remember counseling or coaching can be a helpful tool. Journey Bravely would be happy to connect with you along your journey at journeybravely.com.

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Surviving Groundhog's Day

Do you find yourself struggling through Groundhog’s Day Syndrome in the midst of COVID-19? Each day you wake up and it’s another home day surrounded by the same people. This week, I wasn’t sure what day it was, what I had accomplished in the past 4 days, or what I needed to do that day. It was uncomfortable and disorienting. Most days in the midst of quarantine look and feel similar without the common structures that separate weekdays from weekends, work days from home days, school days from family days. Your brain doesn’t quite know how to make sense of these new life rhythms or lack thereof.

In addition to lack of rhythms, it’s very difficult to get your bearings when you have no idea how long the pandemic will last or what life is going to look like for the next many months and years following these events. It brings up feelings of anxiety, stress, overwhelm, and the necessary but very uncomfortable acknowledgement that you are out of control of many things surrounding the pandemic.

Though your traditional ways of making daily meaning in life are being challenged, you are still wired to seek a sense of purpose, value, and connection. And, though you have a significant lack of control over the pandemic circumstances, your brain will continue to encourage you to engage self-control to sustain some personal health and balance in the midst of cultural chaos. So, what can you do to combat the Groundhog’s Day pull into a numbed out, stressed out existence?

5 Ways to Survive Groundhog’s Day Syndrome

1.     Create daily anchors. Your brain makes sense of your daily rhythms by recognizing the difference between what you do on any given day of the week. For example: On Monday, I do laundry; On Tuesday, I go to the store; On Saturday, I go on a nature walk; On Sunday, I watch a church podcast. Find one activity to do on the same day each week. This will help your brain begin to differentiate Monday from Saturday.

2.     Create two tasks for the day. At the end of each day, take 2 minutes to reflect on what you would like to accomplish the following day to feel a sense of forward movement in your life. Write down the two things and do them the next day. For example: Tomorrow I will pay the electric bill and clean the bathroom.

3.     Reach for gratitude. Choose one thing you are thankful for each day. Though the pandemic is very stressful, it has created some opportunities for slowing down, spending more time with family, remembering to pray for others, taking more walks, taking time for personal reflection, considering how you can help others, etc. 

4.     Keep consistent self-care routines. It’s easy when you aren’t leaving the house to skip the shower, teeth-brushing, getting dressed activities of the day. Though, most of us have given up on makeup and fashion, keeping up with your basic daily hygiene practices communicates a sense of personal value to yourself. 

5.     Sunday check in. Take 5 minutes to check in with yourself each week. Ask yourself, “How am I doing emotionally this week?” “Have I connected with a friend this week?” “Have I gotten outdoors this week?” “Do I need to ask for support from someone?” “Do I need to make any adjustments in the coming week to feel more grounded and positive?”

Nothing about COVID-19 is simple. It is creating chaos, grief, and the daily uncomfortable sense of unknown. If you can, release what you cannot control, and engage your energy in using self-control in small, targeted areas in your daily life to guide you toward a greater sense of peace in the midst of the struggle. 

Remember, there is wisdom in asking for additional support from family, friends, or a counselor as you navigate the pandemic along with other stresses you may be experiencing. Many counselors are providing online sessions during quarantine including Journey Bravely Counseling.

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Self Care During Coronavirus Pandemic

The COVID-19 Pandemic has hit hard and now you’re trying to figure out how to stay home, homeschool kids, work from home, figure out getting groceries without being exposed, cook more meals…and that doesn’t even cover the emotional turmoil created daily by the rising diagnosis/death tolls and constant news coverage. All of these changes are occurring at the same time and it’s natural for your brain to feel overwhelmed, confused, and forgetful.

You may be focused primarily on taking care of others in your life, however, self care is very important right now to help your brain find the balance it needs to develop it’s new routine and rhythm. Self care is not selfish. In fact, one of the most helpful and loving things you can do to make yourself healthy and available to help those you love is to incorporate some self care into your daily life. Constant stress increases your Cortisol levels, contributes to lower immune system, and puts you at higher risk for unhealth. Taking as little as 10 minutes a day to do something calming and loving toward yourself can make a significant difference in your mental and physical health.

What Is Self Care?

Self care is any activity that creates a sense of calm, rest, relaxation and kindness toward yourself. The goal is to remember that while others are important, so are you. The purpose of self care is to get a physical and mental break from the constant busyness and stress associated with transition and crisis. There are many forms of self care that vary widely based on the personality and enjoyment of the individual. Some common examples are:

• Getting enough sleep

• Eating healthy foods

• Exercise

• Prayer/Meditation

• Reading

• Sports

• Talking to a friend

• Journaling

• Creative writing

• Playing video games

• Taking a bath

• Doing your nails

• Being outdoors

• Dancing

• Singing

• Jumping on the trampoline

• Art

• Cleaning

• Swimming

• Riding a bike

• Baking

• Decorating

• Holding your pet

• Deep breathing

• Diffusing/applying essential oils

• Organizing

The best way to make sure self care happens is to be realistic with your expectations, set aside specific time, and let your loved ones know you are taking your self care time and ask them to respect that time. It may also be helpful right now to create some boundaries around when work and school are happening daily so you can identify non-work time to schedule your self care activities.

As you consider your self care time, remember that others in your home need self care too. Consider asking them what they will do for self care and when they will set aside time so you can support their efforts to maintain their emotional health, too. Once you get a self care routine going during the pandemic, maybe you will find it easier to incorporate self care when the pandemic ends and you return to work, school, and other activities outside the home.

If you’re struggling with the pandemic or something else and are wanting to connect for online counseling, Journey Bravely is here to help you get started with online counseling this week. Call 918-221-9987 for your free 15 minute consultation call or if you’re ready to schedule your initial online counseling session, connect to our client portal to schedule now here.

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Coping Through Coronavirus

A few short weeks ago, I woke up, took a beach walk, got the kids off to school, went to work to counsel people in person, and stopped on the way to a baseball game to pick up a few things from the store including toilet paper and lunchmeat. This week, I woke up, the beach is closed, the kids are doing school at home, all counseling sessions are online, no baseball games, and walking the empty toilet paper and lunchmeat aisles at the store sparks anxiety. Most things that felt normal and gave daily structure to life a few weeks ago are now completely different. 

Experiencing so much change at one time in the daily infrastructure of our lives is disorienting and overwhelming. You aren’t alone if you’re experiencing brain fog, forgetfulness, exhaustion, depression, irritability, fear, anxiety, anger and grief. It is overwhelming to the brain to have so many life anchors cut loose simultaneously. Your brain has shifted from doing everyday tasks automatically to having to intentionally think through things that were simple a few weeks ago. Any room your brain had to give to higher level thinking about your goals, dreams, relationships, and life satisfaction has been overrun by crisis mode focused on basic needs and survival.

The good news in the midst of our current difficulty is your brain is created to change and adapt. Your brain will embrace a new version of normalcy after about 3-4 weeks if you engage in some repetitive daily practices that help you feel normal even in the midst of very abnormal circumstances. 

5 Ways to Stay Mentally Healthy During Coronavirus: 

1.     Be intentional about your sleep, nutrition, exercise, social connection, spiritual support, and medication regimen.Make intentional, reasonable efforts to take care of yourself in these areas while also being mindful to lower your expectations of yourself and others. 

2.     Adopt 5 daily practices to keep you grounded in a sense of purpose and connection to others.  Personalize your 5 practices to what helps you feel normal, hopeful, and a sense of accomplishment each day. My 5 daily practices include: laying eyes on the ocean, walking outdoors, listening to hopeful/spiritual podcast or sermon, send an encouraging message to a friend/family member, and naming 10 gratitude items.  Make a meaningful effort to engage your 5 practices daily, giving grace to yourself when you aren’t able to make it happen

3.     Connect socially. Whether by phone, text, Facetime, Facebook, Zoom, Marco Polo or talking to your neighbors from across the yard, find a way to communicate with others. Talking with others reminds us that we aren’t alone in the current struggle and serves as mutual encouragement that we can survive the challenges we are facing. Don’t hesitate to share struggles with a trusted friend.

4.     Engage in Self-Care. Find time each week to do something that feels calming and soul nurturing. Take a bath, read a book, watch your favorite show, call a friend, get outdoors, hold your pet, etc. Your brain and body need a break from your higher stress level. 

5.     Limit News Consumption. While we need to be wise and informed, there is wisdom in determining an amount of trustworthy news that feels informative and helpful for the day vs. falling into a black hole of fear mongering and confusion. 

As we are navigating this new, socially distant, stressful world together, don’t hesitate to seek extra mental health support. Many therapists are accepting new clients and providing online counseling sessions to accommodate increased mental health needs in the community including Journey Bravely. 

If you’re struggling with the pandemic or something else and are wanting to connect for online counseling, Journey Bravely is here to help you get started with online counseling this week. Call 918-221-9987 for your free 15 minute consultation call or if you’re ready to schedule your initial online counseling session, connect to our client portal to schedule now here.

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Ditch Resolutions for Life-Giving Activities

Tired of making resolutions and experiencing a sense of failure by the end of January? It’s easy to make self-disciplined plans in December until January hits and you’re back to eating out, skipping the gym, staying up late, procrastinating and spending energy taking care of everyone but you. What are you supposed to do when the resolutions have fallen flat and you still desire some healthy direction for the remaining 11 months?

Instead of setting idealistic, unrealistic resolutions that tend to be all or nothing oriented, consider creating a Life-Giving Activities List to provide your daily and weekly life with some flexible, commitment-oriented direction. Life-giving activities are disciplines or practices that when done consistently, move your life toward living out your values with meaning and balance. Life-giving activities are measured over the long term of weeks and months rather than days and allow for extending yourself grace when you’ve missed the mark on any given day or week. They provide a barometer of sorts to check in on your level of health in various areas of life and provide a guide for making needed adjustments as you go throughout the year. While resolutions are meant to serve us, we often end up feeling enslaved to them. Life-giving activities serve your desired personal growth rather than you serving them.

5 Ways to Create and Use Your Life-Giving Activities List

1.     Consider areas of focus and determine where growth is desired. Areas of focus to consider include physical health, emotional health, spiritual health, and relational health. Questions you might consider to help you evaluate these areas of focus include:  How am I caring for my body? How is my sleep? How are my relationships? How is my stress level? In what areas of life do I want to see growth? 

2.     In your own words, choose 5-10 areas of focus that will create the main items on your Life-Giving Activity List. For example, my areas of focus include: Connect with God, Connect with Family, Eat Intuitively, Sleep Well, Have Fun, Meaningful Work, Move My Body, Personal Development, Engage Hobbies/Creativity, Be Generous.

3.     Choose up to 5 life-giving activity options for each area of focus that bring balance and joy to life. Choose activities you know or suspect will promote your desired growth in each area of focus. You do not need to complete all of the activities each week but instead, choose one or more activities from your list weekly to help you grow in each area of focus. On my list, under Connect with Family my activities include family table dinners, family game night, movie night, date night. Under Connect with God, my activities include prayer walks on the beach, participate in worship community, participate in small group, spiritual reading/podcasts. 

4.     Post your Life-Giving Activities List in an easily accessible location. Put the list in your phone notes and consider posting a hard copy in your home. I like posting my list on the bathroom mirror where I see it throughout the day.

5.     Create a consistent weekly time to use your Life-Giving Activities List for a personal growth check-in. Set aside 10 or more minutes to reflect on the prior week. Notice how many of your 5-10 areas of focus you engaged over the past week. Notice which areas you might be avoiding and consider why. Notice which activities have brought you the most joy and meaning. Notice if you felt a sense of healthy, balance or a sense of exhaustion and chaos. Consider how you will adjust your activities in the coming week. You may want to schedule your life-giving activities into your calendar so they will actually happen.

The Life-Giving Activities List is meant to be a flexible guide to provide structure and reflection. It’s a great tool for noticing when life has taken a turn away from your deepest values. It provides gracious course correction opportunity without the shame of failure. When used consistently, the list can empower you to live life in health and balance. Feel free to adjust your list as needed throughout the year. When I consistently engage life-giving activities in 7-10 of my areas of focus, life feels more connected, intentional, balanced, happy, and healthy. Best wishes to you in your growth in 2020! Click here to download your personalized Life-Giving Activities Worksheet.

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

De-Stressing the Holidays

There I sat crying in a butter-soaked shirt, holding a tired, screaming baby wondering why I ever agreed to 3 Christmases in one day. It was our baby son’s first Christmas, what was supposed to be a picturesque, magical day to remember. We decorated, put our son in his Christmas sweater, baked requested casseroles, packed thoughtful gifts, dressed in new clothes, and journeyed to 3 family gatherings that ended in tears and overwhelm. Is this really what Christmas is supposed to be? Stressful, exhausting, overwhelming, and disappointing? Is there another way?

Historically, Christmas and the preceding weeks were about expectations surrounding the birth of Jesus. Currently, you might find yourself juggling spiritual and cultural expectations around Christmas and other Winter holidays including stylish decorations, hosting gatherings, spiritual reflections, church activities, perfect gift-giving, family traditions, meaningful time with extended family, etc. With good intentions, you may place impossible expectations on a few weeks of the year to bring fulfillment and happy memories. Afterward, you can be left with the disappointing reality of hurt feelings, burnt ham, criticism from family, underwhelming responses to gifts, and kids preferring to text friends instead of playing family board games.

So, what can be done?

Here are 5 Ways to De-Stress Your Holidays:

1. Sort your expectations into two categories: healthy and unhealthy. Healthy expectations are reasonable, gracious, encourage growth, and don’t result in shame. Unhealthy expectations are idealistic, unreasonable, perfectionistic, involve trying to control others, and result in feeling ashamed. Reducing stress begins with getting curious about what you are expecting of yourself and others. Are you trying to present a perfect image of yourself? Are you trying to get someone else to be who you want them to be? Are you trying to get an emotional need met from someone who is not likely to meet that need?

2. Consider what you fear will happen if you let your unhealthy expectations go. Most often you hold unhealthy expectations because you fear loss of control, when in reality, you didn’t really have control in the first place. Admitting that you only have control of yourself can set you free and empower you to manage yourself in healthier ways.

3. Identify unhealthy expectations that others may have invited you to fulfill. Maybe you’re still seeking approval from your parents, or hustling to live up to social expectations of friends, or exhausting yourself trying to keep your kids happy. If you find yourself resenting someone, it’s often a sign that unrealistic expectations are present in the relationship.

4. Set boundaries with yourself and others. Adjust unhealthy personal expectations and allow time to realize your worst fears will not be realized as a result. Try giving yourself permission to say no to unhealthy requests of others even if someone will be disappointed. They will survive the disappointment and so will you. Boundaries are usually uncomfortable initially and then all involved get used to them over time. In the long-term, such boundaries create oxygen for life.

5. Decide how you will fill the space that results from letting go of unhealthy expectations. When you think about what feels healthy and meaningful around the holidays, do that and enjoy it deeply.

For us, letting go of unhealthy expectations has set us free from exhausting, expensive, perfection-oriented busyness and created space for intentional, reflective, restful, family time on Christmas Day. The difference is astounding. What will you do to create and enjoy healthier space this holiday season?

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Daily Stabilization Skills

A balanced life is a more enjoyable, healthier life. Life balance requires attention to several areas that keep your life stabilized daily.

1. Sleep: Getting 7-8 hours sleep daily at a consistent time helps create and sustain healthy brain function. One night of poor sleep can create fogginess and cravings for carbs. People who don’t get consistent sleep tend to struggle more with health and mental health issues. Deep breathing, essential oils, reading, avoiding screens, and weighted blankets can be helpful for consistent sleep. If you have ongoing sleep issues, you may want to discuss sleep help options with your doctor.

2. Spiritual: Nurturing your spiritual life creates purpose, meaning, sense of identity, and often improved decision making. Nurturing your spiritual life may include engaging with God, a spiritual community, spiritual readings, prayer, and meditation.

3. Nutrition: What you put into your body has a significant impact on energy, thoughts, and overall health. Nutrition is less about weight loss and more about overall quality of food and drink to support healthy brain/body function. Most people benefit from reducing sugar and processed food/drink intake and increasing consumption of real food such as lean meats, fruits, vegetables, and water at regular intervals throughout the day.

4. Social: Quality and consistency of social relationships support fun, decision making, and impacts overall shaping of your values. Close, trusted, positive people can make all the difference when life gets hard. It’s important to evaluate the quality of your social relationships to determine if your close people are actually encouraging you to be a healthier human. At times it’s important to distance from relationships that aren’t serving your life well and begin developing new, positive relationships. Character matters because you are likely to become like your closest people.

5. Exercise: Movement of the body on a daily basis positively impacts energy, mood, and sense of self. Pushing yourself to do hard physical things can remind you that you can do other hard things in life. Exercise may be Yoga, Walking, Running, Gym Class, Cycling, Hiking, Chair Exercise, The important thing is that you find something that works for you, gets you moving, and that you can consistently engage most days of the week for at least 20 minutes. It may take a bit to work up to 20 minutes but it will be worth it as a more active body is a more energetic body.

6. Mental Health: If you're experiencing symptoms of mental health challenges, consistent counseling and at times, consistently taking prescribed medications is critical to gaining the necessary support for optimal mental functioning. It can be difficult to accept struggling with mental health issues. A professional can provide you with information and support you need to be a healthier you.

It can seem hard to keep these areas of life in a healthy space. Life gets busy, crisis strikes, and you may generally prioritize other things over taking care of yourself. Ultimately. it costs you more time and energy when these disciplines are out of sync. Take a moment to determine which of these 6 key areas need work in your life. Then, set one goal in one area. Then create 1-3 daily action steps that will help you reach your goal. You can do this and the truth is you really can’t afford not to.

How are you doing at keeping life in balance? Which of the above skill areas need some intentional focus?

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.

Mindfulness 101

Are you finding yourself overwhelmed, irritable, and having difficulty managing life's curve balls? Maybe your brain has many tasks, fears, or disappointments running in the background preventing you from focusing on what you are doing right now. Maybe you've reflected after a day spent doing things that were supposed to be fun with your family and realized you weren't fully there because your mind was somewhere else.

Mindfulness is the practice of focusing as fully as possible on the present moment. Your brain naturally gravitates toward things from the past or things in the future, distracting you from paying attention to what's happening now. Past rumination is most commonly about past hurts or nostalgic wishes which both leave you feeling sad. Future rumination is most commonly anxiety driven, entertaining ways to control circumstances yet to come leaving you feeling powerless. The reality is that you can truly only be in the present moment and it is the moment that is most commonly neglected.

Think about it. Is it usually the present moment that is stressing you out or the thoughts running in the background while you're trying to do the present moment? In the morning, making toast and eggs isn't actually stressful if you're noticing the texture of the bread, the scent of the eggs, the color of the yolk, the sound of the toaster. The stress comes from the long to-do list you're running through your head or the conversation you're replaying from yesterday when you wished you'd thought of the excellent comeback you now have in mind.

Most of the time, the present moment is not actually that stressful when we can retrain our brains not to wander to the past and future. Easier said than done, right? I'm not going to lie. This takes repetitive mental exercise, however, your brain is wired to be remolded when you practice new habits. You are made for change. The question is, are you willing to do the work to GET WELL and LIVE WELL by pursuing presence in the current moment?

Beginning a PRACTICE OF MINDFULNESS requires that you embrace a few ideas:

• Mindfulness means NOTICING your surroundings as you observe them through your 5 senses. "I see a red car, I hear my favorite song, I feel cool air blowing on me, I feel the smooth steering wheel, I smell my peppermint car freshener."

• Mindfulness means LETTING GO of trying to CONTROL what is outside your control. Accept what is happening and think about how you can bring the best version of yourself into that situation.

• Mindfulness means LETTING GO of JUDGING people and circumstances as good/bad. Instead notice and accept behavior and circumstances as they are. Recognize that your response does not need to be determined by whether others are behaving well or badly.

• Mindfulness means NOTICING and NAMING FEELINGS without allowing your feelings to determine your response. "I'm noticing that sadness is surrounding me right now and I can feel it in my throat and in my eyes." A feeling can just be a feeling when you understand and name it.

• Mindfulness means NOTICING that thoughts and feelings come and go like waves and usually naturally move on if we do not grasp or avoid them.

• Mindfulness means PARTICIPATING fully in exactly what you are doing right now. Let go of ruminating and begin describing your present experience to yourself through your senses. "I have my hands in this warm, soapy water. It feels relaxing and the bubbles are iridescent. It smells like lemon. The sound of the water running reminds me of a creek." Allow yourself to become immersed fully in the present experience.

• Mindfulness means TENDING to each thing in it's own time. If while you are focusing on the present moment, you are noticing a repeated invasive thought about a future task, you can set aside a specific time later when you can give the future task your full attention.

• Mindfulness means DOING ONE THING AT A TIME. There is something relaxing about refusing to multitask.

Once you decide you can get on board with the ideas, begin the LIVE WELL practice of mindfulness with the following steps:

• DESCRIBE your moment by moment actions to yourself. "I am getting out of bed, the floor is cold, I'm turning on the shower..."

• NOTICE past/future oriented thoughts. "I am noticing that I'm thinking about my work meeting tomorrow."

• GENTLY DISMISS past/future oriented thoughts. "Now is not the time to think about my work meeting. I will spend 30 minutes tonight preparing for my meeting. Right now, I am focusing on....."

• RETURN to describing your moment by moment experience using your senses. "I see a blue umbrella, I smell fresh rain, I feel moisture on my skin, I hear drops of rain."

• REPEAT the process over and over knowing you are retraining your brain. And at some point in the near future, you won't have to work so hard at it!

It is most helpful to begin these steps of mindfulness during specific life activities such as teeth brushing, eating breakfast, and driving. After you build momentum in several life activities, you can begin putting your morning activities together to build hours of mindfulness. Keep in mind that it takes about 21 days to create a new habit, then additional weeks to sustain the habit.

I have found mindfulness to be an incredibly life-giving practice. I used to worry about the future throughout the day running numbers, to-dos, and planned activities through my mind. The practice of mindfulness has created a space for me to live and enjoy each day with less background noise. It has become such an ingrained habit that I now notice when the background noise returns and this is a signal to me to explore the imbalance and return to intentional mindfulness practice. Mindfulness has also significantly increased my capacity to GIVE WELL. I am more attentive, calm, and present with my family, friends, and clients without the background noise.

Mindfulness has the potential to reduce stress, decrease anxiety, improve depression symptoms, improve focus, and increase experience of daily calm. Why wouldn't you want more of that? I encourage you to take the 21 Day Mindfulness Challenge. Commit 21 days to developing this practice and track your progress along the way by journaling how you feel different.

Written By: Stephenie Craig, LCSW

Stephenie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 18 years experience specializing in emotional/relational health counseling. Stephenie loves hearing others’ stories and helping people find new perspective that produces peace, healing, and connection through individual counseling. Stephenie provides treatment for adults, teenagers, couples, and families with anxiety symptoms, parenting struggles, teen issues, depression, grief, divorce, and other life transitions. Realizing your life is out of balance and ready to schedule your initial counseling session? Connect here for information about counseling Stephenie provides and get your initial therapy session scheduled.